18th February 15:24
Deam last night
Hi there, y'all,
I had what began as a nightmare while I slept last night. (and this
morning. I got up only about an hour and a half ago, got some pain
killers and coffee into me and started felling human just recently)
I had gone to the lake with my parents in my dads lovingly restored
Packerd. (He had one, but not restored, when I was about 3. I actually
fell out of it, only getting a cut on my forehead that needed one
stitch. But that's another story.) This car was back to mint. But on
the trip up to the lake I noticed there was a slight problem with the
engine. I thought I would take it to a mechanic and get it fixed so I
could do something nice for my dad.
They went out on the lake for the day so I took the car into town, a
town I was totally unfamiliar with. I pulled in to the what looked
like a garage and the guy I saw, a biker type, said sounds like its
missing some. I said yeh, I brought it in for you to work on. He said
Well I'm kinda tied up with friends but sure, I'll do it. So he
started modifying the body paint with posters from the 30's, custom
racks for the top made of bamboo, all sorts of stuff. I was
dumb-struch, and paralyzed. When I got a word out I was met with an
angry "shut-up and let me work!" I resigned myself to having to get
all of this shit off the Packard and pay for the work he was doing. I
checked to make sure I had my Visa card.
Can't remember the middle part but I remember getting tired and going
to sleep in the back room. When I woke up, there was that car looking
like something from a bad science fiction comic strip. I stood there
looking at it when I noticed there were three bikers drinking in an
adjacent room. They saw me, didn't know who I was and picked up metal
bars asking each other what do you want to do with this guy? Various
not too attractive suggestions were made and then the started coming
at me. I picked up a 9 or 10 pound sledge hammer.
I was ready to fight to the death and said something that ended with
".. I've beat outrageous odds 7 times in my life, includng cancer, and
I'm going ta' fight you with all I've got and take at least one of you
SOB's with me."
Monday when I said to the doctor I don't feel that my career as a
geologist was the right one to follow although I enjoyed the heck out
of it and was one of the best there was at it but that there was
something else I needed to do with my life (another career) and I need
to stay alive for a another 20 or 25 years to get everything done. I
really didn't believe that to the core of my being. I now know that I
do and I'am going to survive despite any odds or survival graphs or
any other crap you can throw at me.
I am almost in tears as I write this. There are two reasons. I almost
never remember my dreams so when I do they are very important and
because for the last three illnesses I have had I have had the same
progression of experiences.
I am so tired of fighting. It has been a daily battle each and every
day since I turned 21 (I'll be 59 Nov, 2). Some days the pain has been
so great I didn't know if I could take another step, much less make it
to the parking garage 5 blocks away when I finished work about 9 or 10
PM. (I was managing operations for an oil company in Houston then.) I
felt the same way just getting my degree in college.
I know I am not responsible for the strength I have cropping up when
it is needed. It comes from somewhere else. It causes me great awe at
the power available in this universe. And the older I get the less
intellectual knowledge I have about where it comes from.
It is available to anyone who wants it bad enough and all you do is
Jim (AKA BillyBob, but only to newsgroups!)
Pre-op. PSA: 5.1
Biopsy 1-3-2001: 3+3=6, only 10% difused cells, left side only
RP: 3-12-01 20% capsular penetration, 20% difused cells, neg lymph & Sem. ves.
Erection - 6 weeks
PSA's - .5,1.1,.5,.3,.4,.7,.7,.7,.6,.7,.7.,.9
NO ONE, not even my med school Pathology Prof. Step-Sister
EVER said "radiation" - "Wait until it gets to 2.0"
Quote of urologist who did RP!
Can't beat that deal at ANY price! and I have a 30 year old car with only 26,000 miles on it that a little old lady only used to drive to church on Sundays. Want to buy that as well?