blueriverbeach

Last night, my 77-y.o. mom went to the ER complaining of severe stomach pain.
She's now in the hospital dying of advanced cancer that has spread throughout
her stomach and liver. I was too self-asorbed and wrapped up in my own petty
little problems these past few years to spend any time with her, and now it's
too late. It would have taken so little effort for me to make her happy and
feel loved, but I couldn't be bothered. The guilt is destroying me.

adrian hey

Don't let the guilt in. Just try to make the best of the time you have left
with her. My Mom passed away in June, 13 weeks today. I miss her terribly.
She was diagnosed with cancer in April. We were told we had 3 to 15 months
with her....we got just 3 months. Look forward to every day you can spend
time with her....let the guilt go and just cherish the time you have left.
Hold her tight and let her know how much you love her because trust me it
really doesn't matter what has passed before but what does matter is the
quality of time you spend with her now.....Adrian


and

adrian hey

Don't let the guilt in. Just try to make the best of the time you have left
with her. My Mom passed away in June, 13 weeks today. I miss her terribly.
She was diagnosed with cancer in April. We were told we had 3 to 15 months
with her....we got just 3 months. Look forward to every day you can spend
time with her....let the guilt go and just cherish the time you have left.
Hold her tight and let her know how much you love her because trust me it
really doesn't matter what has passed before but what does matter is the
quality of time you spend with her now.....Adrian

and

gert wallage

I agree 100% with what Adrian has said.

My mother was diagnosed in January 2003 with advanced cancer, and died just
over 3 months later - like Adrian's Mom. The diagnosis was sudden, and her
decline was quick. But I was blessed with the opportunity to be with her
throughout it all, and painful though it was, it was a very precious gift.

Of course you wish you had spent more time with your mother. I felt the
same. But it would be a terrible mistake to let your regrets poison the
precious opportunity you have now been given - to give her your love and
support in the time she has left to her. Admit to your Mom, if you must,
that you wish you had spent more time with her; but don't allow yourself to
become too absorbed in your remorse. If you let this feeling dominate the
time you spend with her now, it will be a tragic loss for you both. You
can still make her happy and feel loved NOW.

Gert

gert wallage

Just to follow up this message... I would like to suggest a couple of books
that helped me understand how to give my Mom the love and support she
needed in her last months and weeks of life:

- "Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and
Communications of the Dying" by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley

- "What Dying People Want: Practical Wisdom for the End of Life" by David
Kuhl

....and although I only read this one after Mom died, I think it would have
been very helpful too:

- "The Needs of the Dying: A Guide For Bringing Hope, Comfort, and Love to
Life's Final Chapter" by David Kessler.

Hope this helps,

Gert

daniel

I am so sorry about your mom. How horrible.

There may yet be ways to make your pre-grief kind of active and positive.
Is your mother conscious? (My friend Ed was in what they called "stupor"
for months before he died...) There may be time to say some things, whether
they sound "true" (meaning consistent with past your history) to you or
not. There may be time to touch her one more time. A hug, a caress of her
cheek. . . Here I am sitting with tears running down because I am thinking
how much I would have liked to have spoken to, and touched, and seen, my
own mother just one more time whether she would know me or not -- because
in my case she died suddenly (more than four years ago now) and I just
never saw her again alive or dead.

We all have "issues" because nobody is perfect, and every relationship even
a loving relationship is two imperfect humans with a past history of
"issues".

Peace.
--
Daniel
deltaechomike@usa.net

daniel

Hi, Gert. Hope you and your supportive husband are doing well!

As "Keeper Of The FAQ" I try to keep my eye out for resources to add.
Since these books were helpful to you, we could tuck them into the FAQ --
care to post or email me a one-sentence description of each, if you have
time?

Thanks,

--
Daniel
deltaechomike@usa.net

blueriverbeach

Thank you for all your kind words and understanding. I brought my mom home from
the hospital, and Hospice is helping me through these final days. I had the
chance to tell her how much I love her before she fell into a pain & morphene
induced stupor. Taking care of her is the hardest thing ever done, but I'm
doing what I never did before: being there for her. She chose to go through the
pain of bringing me into this world, and I'm choosing to help her leave it for
a better place.

fayeoritejo

((((((((((hugs for you and mom)))))))))...Jo

adrian hey

My heart is with you. I am so glad that you got to tell your Mom how you
feel. What you are experiencing now is one of the most difficult things for
a person to deal with. I wish you peace when this final journey with your
Mom is over. Thinking of you in your time of pain...........Adrian

for