andy kimbrey

I am probably going to University this September.

A lot has happened, and I feel I'm a different person, but I don't know
why. Perhaps it was just some sort of general change in me, or a gradual
one.

I think that depression is not an illness, and as such, you can never
get better from it. I think depression is a state of mind, and you can
"recover" by adapting to it.

My self-loathing has changed into a will to better myself, my anxiety
has changed to a resolve to defeat my fears. I feel I have somehow
adapted to this state of mind called depression. I still have the same
state of mind: my outlook on the world is dim, I still see the decay of
everything around me, and I still feel that, maybe, life is not worth
living. But certain things have changed within me which have altered my
perception, and turned this depression around into... I guess, simply a
will to better myself.

This is "Divinity" by The Future Sound of London, which has replaced
Stabbing Westward's "Wasted" as my new favourite song, and I think this
is because of my new outlook on life.

You're not as old as the trees, not as young as the leaves
You're not as free as the breeze, not as open as the sea
And your heart hasn't found a home, endlessly it seems to roam

But one day you will find inexhaustible ecstacy
And you will see... That you're beautiful and always have been
And everybody else can see... the love that you've been looking for
Is right there inside your door

Little Miss Divinity, you're the one that you've been looking for
Little Miss Divinity, won't you lay your love on me?

And if you need a friend I'll be sailing right by your side
And if you need a lover you must leave it all behind
And if you need direction the world can seem unkind
So listen closely, my love
You have time

You're doing fine.

That last line (delivered in the song amazingly) has just kept me going
now. "I'm doing fine."

I've been through this patch, but I'm still here. I'm doing fine.

I messed up my education, my girlfriend, my job. But I'm going to Uni
now. I'm doing fine.

I don't have a job, I need more money. But I'm not in any great debt,
I'm looking to get into work. I'm doing fine.

I'm 21 years old, and I've wasted 5 years of my life with schooling and
depression. But I have a load more decades to go, and I'm still young
enough to change my life. I'm doing fine.

And I have time. I'm doing fine.

I'd like to say that to all of you actually: you have time. Take your
time to get better, adapt, or cure yourself from depression, don't let
anyone rush you. Take your time to get back to work, and take a year off
education if you can't handle it right now, because you can always go
back and do it again. Take your time to figure out whatever you all have
to figure out, because life isn't on a timescale, life just flows. And
you have time.

You're doing fine.

Keep the faith.

Andy Kimbrey

peter clarke

Hi Andy ,
I'm a bit slow off the mark at the moment Andy , but I still
read the mail daily .
Its good to read that you are considering Uni in September , that's a great
challenge and I wish you well . Your thoughts on depression are very much
the same as mine although I still consider it an Illness ,Yes ! of the mind
if you like . And like you I do not believe that you can overcome it , but
learn to live alongside it but within its boundaries . My wife tells me
that these are just further depressive thoughts , but to me , it has been my
way of coping with my illness .

You used the word " Adapted " and I think that sums up my life really well ,
I have adapted to my capabilities within the boundaries of my illness , I
have learnt what helps me keep control of my fears , and how to avoid panic
, but I have also learnt that we must still move forward , slowly pushing
those boundaries in order to survive .
Well done Andy , Stay safe , Peter .