kitty

Hiya!
My DH and I were in Vegas and were able to see the kids for a weekend
(they are in CA with their BM for the summer). It was great seeing them. I
knew I missed them, but didn't realize how much until I saw them!
There were a few concerns I had with the shape of the kids...
1. They have all gained weight. They eat a lot of junk food and sit in
front of the TV (read babysitter). I am only concerned with them learning
how to eat properly and take care of themselves.
2. They all sounded like they had colds. They don't. It just that their
BM smokes around them.
3. BM bought new clothes for them. Really cool clothes for the boys, and
'******' clothes for the girl. She is 10 yrs old. She put on an outfit of
short shorts and a tie up shirt that showed her belly. I said to her that I
don't think that is a good shirt for a 10 yr old and my Dh agreed. She was
very understanding and changed the shirt. She is an awesome kid

Where I need help is: do I ask DH to talk to BM about the choices that
she is making for the kids? Are the above issues even important enough to
being up again with him? I think #2 and #3 are. They can't stand the
smoking either and for issue #3, I am concerned that the 10 year old is at
the age where she needs to learn that modesty is important. She is already
wearing a 'training bra' and knows in our house that she needs to be modest.

Thanks in advance!
-Lee

karen

Are you custodial, and how long are the visits with BM? Is the relationship
with her cordial and is she open to parenting discussion?

Without knowing any of this, I would say that #2 is the only one that might
be appropriate as it most directly health related in the short term. In my
opinion, the others fall into kind of gray lifestyle/parenting style choice
areas that I am not sure how you would manage.

Karen

I think #2 and #3 are. They can't stand the

kitty

DH/we is/are custodial. She gets them 8 weeks in the summer and before she
moved away, every other weekend. She tends to get pissy if he brings up
parenting issues with her.
Thanks!

gplenexa

There isn't really much you can do if she isn't open to cooperation. She would
probably just see any suggestion you might make as a hostile thing. Just be
glad it is only a couple of months a year.

~~Geri~~

"Just another Halo victory!"

whansami

Welcome to the downside of parenting with someone who doesn't HAVE to care what
you think (unlike most intact couples) :-(. It is a pain, but I don't think
you really have any say about any of these things.

My ex and I are generally on the same page about parenting, but occasionally he
does stuff that makes me think, "What color is the sky in his world??" (read
my thread on taking the DD to a waterpark when she is on her period :-(( ).

The sad fact is, this is part of being a divorced couple. If we lived
together, it would be in his best interest to try to find some mutually
satisfying resolution with me, but because we don't, he has little motivation
to do so, and doesn't have to.

Just remember, in the same way that you don't get to manage how things are done
in her house, she doesn't get to manage how things are done in yours. She
can't come over and overrule you when DD want to wear a micromini skirt and you
veto it. Yes, I understand your concern about the smoking, but the bottom line
is, it isn't illegal, and she has the right to do it (although, if the children
developed a long-lasting medical problem from it, a judge might step in).
Similarly, if she decided that drinking alcohol was wrong/dangerous, she
couldn't stop you from having wine in your house.

If you have a decent relationship with her, you could possibly bring it up very
gently ("Gosh, the kids seem to be congested... do you think they might be
allergic to the smoke?), but, ultimately, it is her parental perrogative to
make these decisions for herself.

Sheila

whansami

You are welcome, very much! Hope you stick around!

Sheila

jennaii

If you complain about how Mom raises her children the 8 weeks a year she has
them be prepared to listen to *her* advice as to how *you* should raise them
for 44.

"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" -- Bob Seger
Jennaii

herawood

Amen. Jennaii is spot on. I cannot even begin to tell you the stuff that BM and
her entire family has done during my SD's visits. Things that really would be
considered absolutely emotionally abusive and probably borderline physically
abusive.
My DH and I went round and round as to how we should deal with it. Even though
BM did call me maybe 10 times in the past 7 years to tell me what I should do
regarding SD (which I of course promptly and completely ignored), we've only
complained once. I know had we done more than that, my 10 calls would have
turned into *hundreds*. Once you open that door, you have to allow that the
"advice" and "requests" travel both ways from then on.
Unless it is illegal, or life threatingly dangerous, I'd let it go, esp. since
they only have to deal with it 8 weeks out of the year.
Kat