stevehopp@aol.com

I am new the group and feel for everyone who has suffered the loss of their
baby.

I`m writing in as the father hope that is ok - all the other mesages are from
mothers but i need to off load as well

We have recently lost our 2nd baby. Both pregnancys ended after just a few
weeks. My wife started spotting and was in pain when we lost the first one, a
scan revealed nothing and a D&C was performed.

Within 3 months she was pregnant again. We were very nervous but believed
everybody when they said the chances of it happening again was remote -
however it did. things did not appear ok right from the start when we found out
she was pregnant, as she was loosing very small amounts of blood just after her
period due date. The doctor told us this was normal and lots of women have some
blood loss but go on to have normal pregancy. The blood loss did tail off but
then came the back pain. This was nothing like the pain she had when we lost
the first one and the doctor told us it may be muscular and not connected. A
urine test also revealed a kidney infection so it was off to bed with gallons
of cranbury juice. !! The backpain stopped but an early scan the following week
confirmed our worst fears A sack was found but there was nothing in it. My wife
went onto miscarry about a week later.

We want to try again to give our daughter a brother or sister and complete our
family. Life has not been kind to us my wife lost her mother after a year of
being ill - our daughter had only just been born when she fell ill and we
missed the first year of her life through stress and worry - we really didn`t
have time to enjoy her has a baby.

Time drifted on my wife didn`t want another baby after her mum died and
struggled with the loss of her mum. I hoped she would change her mind and she
did - unfortunatley the same month that we decided to try for another one
which was six years later we learnt my dad had a brain tumour this put our
plans on hold and we looked after him until his death early this year.

It was last christmas that she fell preganant Dad was ill and we had a lot of
stress in our lives but we decided we couldnt wait any longer. The pain of
losing our baby in January and loosing my Dad in March was really hard for both
of us. So we really felt that when she fell again in May that life looked
rosier but as i said she lost this one again.

I feel we have left it too late. My daughter is now eight and my wife is 39. I
look for reasons for why this happened and because we are told to accept that
it is one of those of things that wont necessary happen again doesnt give us
much to go on. I am one ofd those people that needs to know and because you
dont get the answers you find yourself making your own assumptions.

This may sound like i am trying to pin the blame but i`m not, However I need to
ask a question and feel really guilty for asking it. Up until recently my wife
smoked but stopped when she found out she was pregnant she said it was easy the
morning sickness did it for her ! But she has smoked for many years although
not heavy. What i need to know is could she have done some damage to the
eggs.This is something that has been on my mind and i have to ask someone that
isnt connected to us. I feel so terribly guilty that people will feel I am
blaming my wife, I`m not - but if the ***mulative effecct of smoking for
number of years has damaged her eggs i dont want us to go through the pain of
loosing another baby if it is likely to happen again.

My wife doesnt know i am worried about this for obvious reasons, she is
suffering enough. I love her dearly and wouldn`t want to put her through
anymore pain but I need to get this off my chest.I know i am looking for
reasons but this one that wont go away. I do have a habit of thinking the worst
especially when I cant control situations, is this normal ? my mind wont shut
off !

The doctor also indicated that because she had a very traumatic birth the first
time may cause problems in carrying the baby now but doesnt mention any
specific medical problems so again we are left wondering.

The only positive thing we have is that we dont have a problem in conceiving.
All three pregnancys happened within three months of trying however thats
little consolation if she has to suffer another miscarriage as soon as she
falls.

Thanks for listening. If anybody can give us words of hope i think i would
appreciate it as I cant see through the fog at the moment. The stress we have
had to go through has brought us even closer than ever before but I cant see
through the fog at the moment

yodergoat@hotmail.com

Steve,
My condolences for your losses, not only of your babies, but your
father and your wife's mother as well. I am glad to see a father
posting in here, because fathers grieve and need answers as well.

Some of your questions are really things that should be directed to a
doctor. I have no idea if your wife's smoking could have an effect on
her eggs, and I understand why you are turning this question over in
your mind. You want an answer, any answer, just as many of us here do.
Maybe someone here knows.

If you are afraid to try again, I think you should talk to a doctor
about your concerns. Some doctors won't test for causes of miscarriage
until the third loss, but some will... especially if age is a factor.
My own doctor is now doing tests on me, both because I INSISTED and
also because I have trouble conceiving (we've been trying for a child
for almost five years now, and have had two miscarriages). Your doctor
could possibly rule out some of the more common causes of recurrent
pregnancy loss. It is definitely worth asking about.

Please, please do take some consolation in your ability to conceive
quickly, especially considering your wife's age. I know that it does
not seem like much, but consider that some wait for years and years to
conceive, only to lose the baby they have been waiting and praying and
hoping for for so very long. Conceiving quickly does not at all lessen
the sadness of a miscarriage... please don't think that I am impying
that... but being able to conceive again is something I wish that I
could accomplish.

Please take care, and best of luck.
-Shawna

stevehopp@aol.com

Dear Shawna

Thanks for replying to my posting. I`m so sorry to hear of your losses. I
really can understand the pain you have suffered and yes listening to your
story I realise that we are fortunate to be able to conceive so easily so maybe
3rd time lucky who knows.

I hope that you too will go on and have successful pregnancy next time. I have
spoken to a person at work who had three miscarriages and then had two healthy
children However its the anxiety and pain we have to go through that feels like
it is such an uphill battle - however who knows what will happen next time you
may sail through the next pregnancy with no problems what so ever.

take care and thanks for replying. My thoughts are with you both.

Steve