sleeper

it's just that for the first time, i see myself as others must see me and i
am ashamed. i never thought i was behaving like this. i am a hypocrit. i
am undecided. i am not nice. i used to be.

i don't know who i am at all now. i thought i was aiming for something
noble and come to find out i'm just not right, not nice and i'm not fun to
be around.

i haven't had *** in more than two years and the last time was just goodbye
*** ... i helped her and didn't want her touching me. the next day she
accused me of 'raping' her (as if she had a clue what that word meant...)
because i 'tricked' her into having *** or some such bullshit when i knew i
didn't want to be with her but i faked like i did so she wouldn't feel so
bad. i'm not sure how this makes me a horrible person, but i do know that
if i had really tricked her into having *** just so i could get off (not to
make her feel less bad) that i would have been considered a jerk also. so,
HOW THE **** DO YOU WIN?????

i have discovered in the past few weeks since i quit my job (like a dumbass)
that i am no more than a mediocre mimic. i imitate that which appears to be
living most substantially. i am unable to feel anything for my own existence
except to imitate others. there is no value in my living except to imitate
the behaviour of others as best as i can. without some ultimate goal i have
no where to turn - no where to hide

for all this i am ashamed. there is so much more. too much.

back to bed for now

jonny

Sleepy,

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I don't know how much you know about BPD
so if you've heard all this before, please f****ve. The way you're
describing things sounds like some of BPD's symptoms. I would
encourage you to challenge yourself to recognize when you're getting
symptomatic, but try not to pathologize your entire personality.
Personality is made up of traits and BPD is simply one collection of
traits that are exaggerated. Personality can change, and you can
change it. It is going to take a shit ton of time (I had to change an
anger trait and it took forever).

The most important thing I can offer as support is the idea that when
you're having intense emotions, ask yourself if it's a symptom or an
appropriate reaction.

Anyway, I won't ramble on too long, good luck, I hope things start
working out.

J

sleeper

Thank you for your comments and suggestions. i will let them sink in a
little later. i have been modifying my personality...just not the right way,
come to find out.

Thanks.

Julie

jonny

So how are you doing today? I'm a little stressed because I have
finals.

Jon

sleeper

things are about the same. i am quiet but not still inside.

i wish you luck with your finals. let me know how you think you did if
you'd like. what's your major? (did you already say?)

~flower~

Hey Julie, progress takes time. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
As Diamond mentioned in another post you are being really helpful and
supportive to people here, so I would say your "personality" isn't all
that bad! I know I have appreciated your posts. It says alot about
someone who is going through their own struggles but who can take the
time to try and help or say something kind to another. So don't be
modifying that part of you!

I hope today is a good day for you (and everyone else here)

jonny

Sleeper, I'll definately let you know how I did on my finals. These
are my last finals in undergrad. I graduate one week from today. It's
really frightening to have to grow up in a couple of weeks and start
working in the real world. My major is psychology so I don't have a
whole lot of job opportunities. Oh well, I guess sometimes you have to
work hard to work at a good job.

J

jonny

I finished my last final today. It was so fun, I savored it. It was a
combination of multiple choice, short essay, and long essay. I was
able to get creative with some of my answers and still take the test
seriously. I was well prepared since the material it covered are the
things I find most enjoyable about psychology.

I can't believe I've finished my Bachelor's degree. I feel so
optimistic right now, like I can do anything!

sleeper

Wow, Jonny! Congratulations!!

Take some time and rest. You have accomplished a very difficult thing.
Go -- celebrate!!

Happy for you,
Julie

diamond

Conratulations jonny! I wish i woulda finished college. got a good
job now and sure can't complain...but i really didn't appreciate the
opportunity when i had it...i like many other people...excluding you!
So pat yourself on the back...this is a great accomplishment!

Diamond