andy kimbrey

I've found the perfect job.

I'm going to get a job as an In Game Support Rep (or GameMaster),
preferably at Square-Enix for Final Fantasy XI. If not, I'll apply to
Blizzard for World Of Warcraft. The job seems perfect for me, tech
support which I have a background of, and playing a computer game at the
same time. It's a good job as well, well paid etc.

I think I'm starting to get "better". It's not a cure, more an
understanding. Getting a job means I'll have a better standard of
living. I can afford things, nice things. But will this help me? No,
here's why:

As soon as I was born I started dying. I live in the shadow of death,
and every accomplishment I make, everything I achieve ultimately means
nothing, because I will die one day and it will all fade to black.
Philosophers have spent millenia trying to decipher the Meaning of Life.
I have it right here: the meaning of life is to live; until you
eventually die. Death is part of the meaning of life, being the ultimate
inevitability.

So what's the answer? I simply adhere to my own meaning of life. I live,
until death takes me. I accept that I will never achieve true happiness,
I will never experience Nirvana, because everything I do is in the
shadow of death. I still feel happy when I see my family, I still feel a
sense of achievement when I make a child smile. But I will never reach
that state where I can say to myself "I am happy with my life." I will
never be content with my life, because I know that my happiness and
achievements are fleeting.

When I look around at the world and see a polluted, festering mess which
humanity has created. I see death, poverty and corruption. I see evil.
And I ask myself, "Why do I feel this way? Why do none of my friends
feel this way?" Because of my depression.

But not just because of my depression. Because what I see is through two
lenses, perceived through my eyes, thus the lenses give their own tint
of life. Whereas one person can look upon a car and see a marvel of
modern technology, another person can see a pollutant killing our
environment. The reason they see this is because of the way they
perceive it. And the way we perceive things is to do with our
personality, and how we identify with the world.

I am seeing how I identify with the world. I am seeing a reflection of
my soul.

I have a rotten, decaying soul. Full of hatred, full of decay and death.
This is my depression. This is my disease. A rotten soul, a chemical
imbalance... They mean the same to me. They skew my perception of the
world and of myself. They are me. I am this chemical imbalance.

There is no cure for this. The same way the asthmatic has to deal with
their disease, so I learn to deal with mine. This is no virus which can
be treated with anti-biotics, it is a disease which eats away at my soul
and pierces my heart with every waking moment, twisting and convoluting
my thoughts and feelings.

And I want to die. I have to live with this to: welcoming death. I could
never commit suicide, that would be the ultimate act of selfishness. So
I simply adhere to my own meaning of life. I live, until death takes me,
then I will be cured, then I will be happy.

Keep the faith

Andy Kimbrey

fallout

Hi Andy, i think you've stumbled upon the true meaning of life. "the
meaning of life is to live; until you eventually die." .
There is always going to be corruption because there will always be people
who want more than their fair share. You nor i can change that. We /can/
however make our corner of the world a better place by treating those we
come in contact with fairly and with respect.
You seem to be doing very well Andy. i couldn't be happier for you. Do you
have any contacts to get you into the gaming biz? That does sound like the
perfect job.
Let us know how things progress in both your life and the job search.
tom