amadigan

I am getting very disillusioned with my husband lately. I thought that
we had a good marriage. When we got married, we promised each other
that we'll love each other in sickness and in health. Unfortunately,
due to some childhood issues, and despite my sporadic efforts at
dieting, Atkins diet, and so on, I have gained weight. My husband
always assured me that he loved me for what I am, not how I look
like. Many people say that even though I weigh 292 lbs, I look cute!
But he lately has been refusing to have *** with me and started being
secretive about his computer. When I asked him what was going on, he
tactlessly said that I need to lose weight and that he is put off by
my weight. This is tactless considering, it is like saying that you
cannot love someone because of skin color. I was so shocked I could
not speak to him for a month. I am now very disappointed with me in
general. Why are they interestedonly in firm bodies and not in my
inner beauty?

amadigan

I am getting very disillusioned with my husband lately. I thought that
we had a good marriage. When we got married, we promised each other
that we'll love each other in sickness and in health. Unfortunately,
due to some childhood issues, and despite my sporadic efforts at
dieting, Atkins diet, and so on, I have gained weight. My husband
always assured me that he loved me for what I am, not how I look
like. Many people say that even though I weigh 292 lbs, I look cute!
But he lately has been refusing to have *** with me and started being
secretive about his computer. When I asked him what was going on, he
tactlessly said that I need to lose weight and that he is put off by
my weight. This is tactless considering, it is like saying that you
cannot love someone because of skin color. I was so shocked I could
not speak to him for a month. I am now very disappointed with me in
general. Why are they interestedonly in firm bodies and not in my
inner beauty?

luna

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be difficult.
But you need to be honest and face some facts. Physical attractiveness is
part of a ***ual relationship. No one has much control over what they find
attractive. It's not reasonable to expect your partner to never physically
change, but if someone has a physical problem such as a lot of weight gain,
and it is in their power to change it (which it is) and they don't change
it . . . then what message is that sending? By only sporadically "going on
diets" instead of making a commitment to a life-long change, you're sending
this message of "I don't care much about my looks or my health, and I don't
care if it turns you off." Maybe that is how you feel inside. A lot of
people gain too much weight because of not feeling good about themselves,
because of not feeling like they themselves are worth the effort of being
healthy.

Not everyone is like that though. Take a good look at yourself,
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Don't even think about what
other people say, including your husband. Then ask yourself honestly if
you're happy with the way you live your life. Are you happy with your
looks, do you feel good about what you eat, do you think you're getting
enough physical activity? If you are happy and content and proud of how
you're living, then your husband needs to get over it. Sometimes men have
a hard time expressing themselves, though. He may be saying "You're too
fat" when it's possible that what he really means is "Your weight is a
symptom of you not being happy anymore, and I miss the energy and spirit
you used to have." Believe it or not, the physical and the emotional are
very connected, and when you're out of control in one area it can be a
symptom or a cause of being out of control in another area.

If your weight gain is because of emotional problems, tell him that. Tell
him that you're going through some tough things, and you need his support.
Getting defensive and in his face and berating him for being insensitive
won't solve anything. Give him the chance to be sensitive by opening up to
him and letting him know you're in pain, let him be strong and support you.
If he doesn't rise to the challenge, then you may have to decide what to do
next. Maybe marriage counseling would help.

To put yourself in his shoes for a minute, imagine he lost his job or
something, and he got really depressed and just stopped showering. He
really starts to smell bad. The lack of personal hygeine is a symptom of
his depression, and he needs you to be there for him, but at the same time
the stench is really turning you off and you can't bear to be close to him.
Now, being a woman, you see into deeper feelings and empathize better than
a man would, most likely, so you know that his not showering is just a
symptom of his depression. But still, even though you understand that . .
.. it would still be hard to make love with him, right? And if you were
honest with him and told him he needed to get out of this slump and do
something about his problems . . . and he refused to . . . wouldn't that
make you just a little bit angry?

--
-Michelle Levin (Luna)
http://www.mindspring.com/~lunachick
http://www.mindspring.com/~designbyluna

justjim67

Not all men (or people) are that way. I am not turned off by weight and
neither is my wife (apparently). One of the ***iest girls I had ever known
was overweight (about 240 lbs), but she was very attractive and extremely
***y and ***ual. As for myself, when I met my wife I was 165 lbs and all
muscle. By the time we married I was up to 200 lbs and until this past
winter I was up to 252 (I am only 5'6"). My wife made comments about my
weight, but never rejected me because of it. I went on the Atkins diet in
February and I am now down to 198 and am still loosing (though it is MUCH
slower, now). If you are still looking to loose weight, try Atkins, again.
If you keep your carbs under 20 g you should loose weight. It is a BORING
diet, though, but it DOES work.

Jim

twofive

Great Post.

! mu !

On 21 Jul 2003 19:53:48 GMT, justjim67@hotmail.com (Jim Justjim)


It is absolutely rare to find a "thin" person who thinks that obesity
is attractive.For the most part, other obese people, who have to make
concessions in their relationship choices, find other obese people
attractive in their obesity.

"Live To Eat? Nyet. Eat To Live!"

james williams

Please, for your own good, try not to identify love with ***.

I am so fat I cannot stand to have *** with my lovely thin wife. It is
physically detumescing to think of her being willing to have *** with me. It
is not something I can control, if I am excited and want to have ***, and I
think of approaching her with that idea, I lose critical blood flow. I can
only think of how horrible it would be for her to have to have *** with such
a fat man.

It's been 4 years.

If I were not sure she loves me and I love her, beyond what my
instinctual, physical reactions are, I don't know what I would do.

Women can have *** for love, even if it hurts, men need their hindbrains
to approve or it's a waste of time. Try to accept this about him until you
lose the weight.

As for his tactlessness, I can't think of a tactful way to tell a woman
that. As a man, it is difficult to communicate to begin with, and then when
we do, women critisize us for not communicating "their way". It is such a
painful subject he probably just had to spit it out or it wouldn't have
gotten said. Try to deal with the hurt long enough to keep that line of
communication open.

Good luck and God bless you.


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dawn taylor

On Mon, 21 Jul 2003 14:14:21 -0500, amadigan@tx.net (Ann Madigan)
announced in front of God and everybody:

This is more than tactless. It's cruel. And the secretive stuff is a
major no-no in a marriage.


They aren't all like that, and this isn't about you. Listen up,
sister, and pay attention -- THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. Your husband's
behavior is cruel, thoughtless and inexcusable. He's up to something,
going through something in his own head that he's not sharing with
you, and he's punishing you as part of his private crap.

YOU'RE fine. Your husband's behavior is, simply put, unacceptable --
and you need to let him know that in no uncertain terms. You need to
gather up every smidgen of self-respect you have and stand up for
yourself -- if you don't, things will only get worse.

Remember -- if your husband (or anyone) treats you badly, you don't
have to put up with it. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Dawn

cupasoup

If he's got a problem and thinks it's a turn-off, maybe
there are other problems.

Personally, my wife outweighs you, but that has not impacted
my desire for her. *Unfortunately* her desire has fallen
off a lot so _I_ have spent too much time thinking that maybe
*I* was the one who was undesirable.

Question: how aggressive have _you_ been? Is he there
to take care of you ***ually and you're there when he
gets off, or do you take an interest in seeing him pleased?

If you're not an active participant (and my wife isn't one
due to various problems w/ cultural programming) then that
is far more likely to be the *key* turn-off; I suspect
some men will over-look a passive woman as long as they're
"easy on the eyes" but will lose interest more quickly
when the eye-candy features fade.

So consider there may be other problems and that the whining
over weight isn't the *real* problem but merely a symptom
(or a convenient target).

Look, my wife is heavy and it bothers me *mostly* because
it's one symptom of a lack of caring for herself. I get
hurt because I *don't* want to be left alone, and it seems
that self-neglect is endemic these days. (Dying of self-
neglect is not suicide but raises quite a few to sainthood,
you know.) So, for me (and I don't know if there are many
others in the same kind of situation) the weight DOESN'T
diminish her beauty in my eyes... but other things do. And
the weight DOESN'T enter into the other issues. At all.

Q: Why do men want pretty but stupid wives?
A: Because they can see better than they can think.

And don't forget that women, between 20-45, want their mate
to desire them for their minds, not for their physical body.
After 45 they change their minds but their mates are too
well programmed to ignore the body...

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/
"Do these pants make my penis look small?"

justjim67

Well, she was attractive, but she also ****ed like a rabbit!!!