khaydn

Hello all,
I haven't posted about myself for a while simply because I've been
going through a lot of changes and didn't know what to say.
Since the chemical pregnancy almost 1 month ago...I've had a drastic
change of heart and mind. I can't explain it. It's as if someone took
me and placed me back 10 years ago when I didn't care at all about
having children.
I don't know what happned. I went from being elated about the
pregnancy to depressed for a few days to now suddenly completely
apathetic about children. So much so that a cycle buddy close by just
announced her pregnancy to me and it had no affect whatseoever. I was
happy for her, but that's it. No pangs of jealousy. No deep hidden
anguish. nothing. I really don't know what's happened to me.
And the sight of children doesn't affect me at all either. I not only
DON'T long for them, I'm almost grateful I don't have to deal with
their screaming and whining. Even though I will admit about 1 week ago
I got weepy eyed seeing this absoluetly adorable toddler in pigtails.
But it wasn't the same. I rejoiced in her existence. I wanted her
near. I wished my DH and I could experience her glee and then it was
over. It didn't feel me with grief for the rest of the day.
I don't know what this means. I know I'm more appreciative of the
time DH and I have together. My Step daughter goes away to college in
6 weeks. I am now finally looking forward to that. I'm looking forward
to being able to pick and go anywhere. I'm looking forward to
re-focusing on my career which I had let slip during these 2 years of
IF and ttcing.
If anything, I briefly thought about short term foster parenting for
young at risk children because I always had a soft spot for helping
young children in trouble and in need of love care and safety. but the
key is short term. I don't even want adoption anymore as I once
thought I would. Very very weird.
Unfortunately my mother won't give up. She has gone to yet another
psychic who has predicted again that I will be a mom soon of...twins.
This is the 4th psychic that has said this in my lifetime. This
psychic has said the months of August and september we must do
whatever we can, as he sees something in April MAy next year for me. I
almost screamed at my mother. GIVE IT UP. It ain't going to happen.
I feel now that I gave God plenty of chances. I even tried to help Him
along and he flat said NO. I feel that that is the answer and I need
to move on. For one reason or the other I wasn't meant for mommy-hood.
Maybe I was meant to help at-risk needy children as best as I can and
let it go at that. I think I'm okay with that. i know that at the very
least...I'm the happiest now that I have been in over 2 years. Maybe
that means something.
Anyway...I felt the need to share. Maybe I may not post as often
anymore because in my current state I have no support to give to those
that are trying.
Maybe it's a phase. Maybe not. Either way...I'll check in from time to
time and keep up with my friends. Please know that I love you all
because you've been my friends, my support system, my rocks, my
shoulders. I wish everyone of you peace and love,
Kat
(cross posted to IF and Alternative)

debby neal

I think that where you are right now sounds just fine. Being happy is good.
Not everyone has to have children. In fact, many people are happier without
them. I've experienced similar feelings as you are having. I've been TTC
for 2 years, and I've given up in some ways. I'm starting to worry that
having childrend will be a big hassle. I just don't know anymore. The
important thing is that life can be good in many ways, and there are many
ways to find happiness. Best of luck to you.

--

Debby Neal
debby.nealNOSPAM@verizon.net

usenetlyn

Well, Kat, remember we are here if you need us. I went through
something similar after we stopped treatment. All that matters is
that you are happy with whatever you decide. I hope the best for ya -
keep in touch, ok?

Hugs,
-L.

ironjustice

It seems one of the problems with .. population control in underdeveloped /
starving countries is the fact these starving malnurished people popout healthy
children .. right and left .. totally EXASPERATING those who WISH for fewer ..
people ..

Is it something they DID NOT .. eat .. ?

http://pages.ivillage.com/ironjustice/manisaherbivore

Who loves ya.
Tom
Jesus Was A Vegetarian! http://jesuswasavegetarian.7h.com
Man Is A Herbivore! http://pages.ivillage.com/ironjustice/manisaherbivore
DEAD PEOPLE WALKING http://pages.ivillage.com/ironjustice/deadpeoplewalking

herawood

Thank Lyn for being such a good friend> :-)
Kat