rakanichu@hotmail.com

Hi, sorry to troll this ng but I really need help. I don't know what
mental disorder I have but I am sure I have one. I think I either have
ADHD or Asperger's or some personality disorder. I will try to list as
many symptoms and facts about my life as possible. This is really
serious, I definitely need help. Thank you for your time.

If you don't want to read the whole text here are my main symptoms:

1- Extremely lunatic personality
2- General confusion
3- High Intelligence and rational thinking
4- Attention problems
5- Often tired/bored/apathic
6- Unintended rudeness
7- Often late or at the last minute
8- Social Shyness
9- "Obsession" with my health
10- Proudness
11- Cannabis makes me more aware of my condition
12- Childhood history of weirdness

SomeDude (20 y/o male studying Electrical Engineering)

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1- Extremely lunatic personality

Some people told me I always seem lost. Others told me I looked sick
or depressed or on drugs. But I am not depressive or on any drugs,
it's just the way I am. I feel that the whole way I move and speak is
extremely phony. I will often make careless mistakes in exams.
Sometimes I will forget what people told me 30 secs ago, or I will not
listen when someone talks to me. I don't notice fast what's happening
around me. I have slow reaction time. I will often go out of the house
and come back in because I forgot something, or forgot to lock the
door. Here's an anectdote: a couple of days ago, I went buying food. I
didn't know where the rolling shopping carts were so I took the small
ones you have to I also lack common sense.

2- General confusion

Some basic stuff in life that requires some organization is hard for
me to do, like cooking food, doing manual work, organizing parties,
labs at school, etc... I will get confused and not know what to do
next. The things I hate the most to do is stuff that requires many
different and non-logical steps. For example, I work in a library and
I have to make memberships. There are so many ****ing stupid little
details to fill in that it almost drives me crazy. I am slow and
confused and always fear to forget something. Other people that work
there seem to have no problem at all doing this. Oh yeah, speaking of
my work, I will often make careless mistakes with customers (I'll do
stuff like checking books out but keeping them because I forgot and
thought they were being returned to the library). It is worse when I
know the customer and start to talk with him at the same time. I will
get tensed and do even more mistakes.

3- High Intelligence and rational thinking

I know they are worthless but on some online IQ test (http://www.iqtest.com i
beleive) I got 136. In my last high school year I did a math contest
and finished 14th in the province (on more than 1000 participants I
beleive, them being all voluntarees). I also did a physics contest and
finished 22/500 in the country. I've always been very good at school
without studying much. In fact, studying bores me to death unless it's
some new interesting math/physics/engineering topic. When it's new and
fun I can really enjoy the topic and be obsessed with it (math
discussions at 2 A.M. on MSN, thinking math in bed, etc...). I never
really enjoy studying though. Most of my learning is done while
listening in class or discussing with friends. I think I study like
5-10x less than my classmates. But I'll always do enough work to have
good grades. I just finished my first college year and got 3.97/4.0
GPA (btw I study Electrical Engineering). I got the max GPA (4) in all
my courses except in Communication in Engineering (in which you had to
write papers etc...). I won a 3000$ scholarship and was named on the
Dean's honours list. It think there's a reason why I do good in
school: I'll always try to remember only what's really imporant to
know. The other stuff I'll deduce at the exam. This way I can fit more
stuff in my head, because I have a bad encyclopedic memory. Okay,
enough rambling, you get the point...

4- Attention problems

When listening to courses, people talking to me, movies, etc... often
my mind will wander and I will lose track of what was going on. Then
I'll catch up and it will start again. When studying or reading I will
often have to re-read the sentence a couple of times to get the
meaning of what was being said. The only times where my attention is
really good is when I find the topics very interesting. I will also do
dangerous things while driving or bicycling because I was not aware
enough of my environment. Let's say I'm on the highway, if the traffic
starts to slow down I may take some time before noticing and have to
brake real stiff. It is worse when someone else is in the car because
of the distration he/she (especially if it's a "she" ) causes. But
besides attention problems I am a very good driver.

Here's another anecdote that happened to me today: I was riding my
bicycle to some shop. I had never gone in this area and was a bit
confused. At one point I had to cross a railroad station. I didn't see
that there was a street going below, so I decided to cross the track.
On the other side of the track it was a train station, so there was a
dock and I embarked on my bicycle ON THE DOCK. It was not a dangerous
move, nobody was there besides me. Anyway, these 2 security gards come
to me and start to tell me that I had done 3 infractions (crossing the
track, riding a bicycle on the dock and not having a ticket on the
dock). They say they could have charged me a 330$ fine for this. But
the thing is, I never realized or even thought that I was being
illegal! All I was thinking was: I got to get to the other side, oh!
there a track I'll cross it, oh! now I'll ride my bycicle so it'll be
faster. I even saw these security guys and at the beginning I didn't
even realize they were coming for me! (finally, I lied to them and
said I had no ID; they let me go without doing anything). I know what
I did was stupid, and the security must have thought that I was a real
freak, especially since there was a street going below the train
station. I was just too lunatic to notice anything. When they talked
to me I didn't try to defend myself or anything. I said to myself:
"Ok, they caught me, what can I do, I REALLY did something wrong, it's
my fault." I guess most ppl would have tried to argue or something. To
be honest I didn't even cared that much about paying the fine.

5- Often tired/bored/apathic

Oftentimes people will mistake this for lack of interest. I often walk
with my head a bit bowed to the front and I look tired. Often I won't
react in the way I was supposed to (let's say something funny or wierd
happens, I'll internally enjoy but show no sign. If I show a sign it's
just for social correctness). Another example: Let's say that for a
teamwork we get a bad grade. All the other team members will be like:
"Oh! This is so unfair we worked so hard bla bla bla". But I won't
show any signs of sadness or anger. I'll agree with them for the
social correctness but in reality I won't really care. To be honest, I
don't care much about anything. Most things bore me; I simply can't
naturally do small talk with people. I'll have to force myself to
discuss stuff like weather, clothes, work, family, etc... I don't want
to be pretentious but I think I am too bright and sense the futility
of all these discussions. I really prefer talking about dumb and funny
things, or making sarcastic comments and jokes.

One other thing: I am often tired in my lectures. In high school I
used to rest my head all the time on my desk. But I NEVER managed to
sleep, because I was always listening not to miss something important.
While working it's the same thing. When things bore me I just want to
sleep. But then as soon as I get home I get exited again and don't
want to go to bed. So I often end up going to sleep at 1-2 AM.

Oh yeah, one important thing is that I am NOT depressed. In fact my
mood is most of the times neither depressed or happy. I am always in
between the two. It's hard to explain how I feel but I am definitly
not sad. There are things that bring me joy in life. But I can also
rarely say that I am happy. I guess I'm in what they call the
"nirvana". No happiness, no sadness. I do sometimes feel lonely but it
won't really make me sad, just bored.

6- Unintended rudeness

I've had customers telling me I was being rude with them. But I never
intend to, in fact being rude with ppl is the last thing I want to do.
I think that it's because I speak in a really detached voice and
forget to say "Hi, how are you" etc... After a couple of years,
greeting all the clients starts to be real boring. So I'll often won't
do it.

7- Often late or at the last minute

If I don't like going somewhere, I'll always wait until the last
minute to get out of the house, often making me late for classes or
work. I'll also often postpone my school work until I cannot possibly
postpone it any further. But I've very rarely, if ever, dropped my
work late.

8- Social Shyness

When I was from age 4-14 the only friends I had were the kids my mom
introduced me to. In my first high school year I had no friends at
all. For the 4 other high school years I only hung up with the same
3-4 people. They occasionnaly brought new ppl in the group but I never
brought anybody. Now I'm doing a lot better though; I started
understanding the meaning of "friend" after high school. I never had
any girlfriend (I have my first date ever this Sunday).

I am a real shy guy. It's always real tough for me to get to talk to
new ppl or girls. But once they know me I think ppl usually appreciate
me, mostly because I don't talk much and am a good listener and will
always agree with them for fear of rejection.

Usually I prefer being alone because I don't really find enjoyment in
the company of others. In the last few years I've grown a lot better
but I still prefer doing solitary activities like jogging, bicycling,
playing on computer, etc...

9- "Obsession" with my health

Some examples: 2 years ago I had an eye injury. It healed almost
perfectly and the ophtalmologist that was seeing me said that my eye
was ok. But since then I have some distortions that are more obvious
at night, because of a residual small cornea scar (it's my opinion
based on my web searches). I told it to the ophtalmologist but he told
me he couldn't do anything and that anyway my eye was 20/20 so it was
ok. BUT I always see those distortions and get obsessed with them.
Almost every time I see a light spot somewhere I'll look at it to see
if the distortions are there. I will always notice them and they
bother me. They don't prevent me from seeing anything; the objects are
all clear but I see lines around the lights or the lighter spots.
Also, since that injury my eye feels a bit tired (just slightly, and
the other one is OK). This eye tiredness adds up with my general
tiredness. The eye is less tired when I wear my glasses (I'm slightly
hyperopic) but it still feels wierder than the other one. I told all
that to the ophtalmologist and he said he couldn't do anything after
checking my eye. He said again that everything seemed all right.

I am also worried about some cracking joints (wrist, arm and ankle).
It doesn't hurt but it's annoying, I think often about them.

My posture also worries me. I always try to keep a straight head
because I know that my natural position is too much bent in the front.

A couple of years ago I had acne and I was litteraly obsessed with it.
I always checked myself in the mirror etc... I used to pick my pimples
and it often made ugly marks on my face. Hopefully I don't have much
acne anymore and I dont have scars, but it could have been worse.

And obviously, I am worried with my mental health

10- Proudness

I always have to prove to myself that I am able of to do things that I
know I can do. Also I never show my weak side to anybody because I
want to keep the image of a happy-go-lucky guy. In fact I am the total
opposite of a "happy-go-lucky". I worry a lot and I am not often
happy.

11- The "revelation"

The first "revelation" that I was not "normal" was a couple of months
ago when I smoked cannabis (I was not the first time though). I went
in a "trance" of about 10-15 minutes. I just stood there at my
friend's house, the head a little bent in the front, and I started
realizing how wierd I was. My two other friends looked at me and were
a bit scared. I tried to concentrate on what they were doing but I
kept going back in my "trance". I realized that I was slow, and
inattentive, and wierd, and careless, and not friendly, and all sort
of bad stuff. It wasn't even a bad trip; it was reality. I was seeing
clearly the freak that I was. It was like if, for a moment, I had
become a normal person and was looking back on how I have acted since
the beginning of my life.

12- Other miscellaneous stuff about my childhood

I have a few revealing anecdotes about my elementary school. Remember,
in elementary the same teacher teached all the subjects. So let's say
we were doing math and we switched to french, he told all the
classroom: "OK kids! Stop everything you were doing and take out your
french books!". But I hated stopping what I was doing. I would
continue doing my math exercises like a freak (I was really good in
math). Everyone around me was listening to the teacher and doing his
stuff and I was still in my math book! The teacher had to tell me
personally: "Hey ***XX, math's over! Now take your french books!"

I was also always the last to go outside during the recess in winter,
because of all the clothes my mom gave me. I had to put all the
accessories perfectly and it took me so much time that often the
recess was over. My teacher decided to do races with me so I'd hurry a
little bit at the end of classes. I never really participated/cared
though.

I was the teacher's pet but I didn't really like it. Most other kids
liked to do stuff with the teacher like eating with them, walking with
them during the recess etc... But I was the teacher's favorite and
when proposed to do those things it bored me. I didn't really like
school either, unlike most other kids that were doing well in school.

My parents also put me in a soccer team. I was the worst player ever!
I never knew where to score or what to do with the ball, so I either:

A) Ran erraticaly on the field, or
B) Collected dendelions that grew on the grass

All the other kids were so interested in the game but I was just bored
with it. What is strange now is that I really enjoy sports like
football, soccer and hockey.

Oh yeah, one other wierd thing I used to do when walking back home
from elementary school: Often I decided that I would take the SHORTEST
POSSIBLE PATH back home. Well stupidly enough that meant that I had to
walk diagonally across a street for the whole block's length! It never
occured to me that I only saved a few seconds doing this, I just
didn't want to waste my time. Besides, I enjoyed doing it.

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Final word: Sorry for that long post. Hope it didn't bore you. It
feels good to write stuff like that I never told anyone before. Any
thoughts, comments or stupid funny lines are indeed welcome!

SomeDude

none

I'm too tired to really consider all the info. But you definitely should
go see a professional.

sacred pnats

I don't know where you live but you could try a therapist that specializes in
anxiety disorders. also the books shyness and social phobia workbook, feel good
book by Dr. Bourne and diagonally parked in a parallel universe is good books
too. Then after that read some tony robbins stuff.

the cannibus over time does make people lethargic and lose interest in life.

none

I don't think I would be alive today if I haven't had easy access to
whatever pot I needed.

davide

It's a real dense message and you touch several important issues.
It's not easy to tell what you are, if you suffer some mental disease. Even
a professional would find it hard, IMO.
You are not "NOT NORMAL" (that is, you are normal), you're just a particular
kind of charatcher, which doesn't find many matches in your school friends,
for example.
I'd go throught your post, but take it witha a grain of salt !
Always add to my sentences --> "IMO".

Many of your problems comes from your social phobia. You are anxious and
scared among people, people you don't know, and that behave friendly.
Forgetting things after 30 s, not paying attention, etc... are symptoms you
are anxious. You are slow because you're anxious, e.g. your mind goes blank.
You know you are not into drug, but you cannot easily tell whether you're
depressed or not. Depression is a subtle illness and change your ability to
judge yourself, so you're not the best one to diagnose yourself. You should
listen what people say about you, unless they are not exaggerating or
joking, you should judge.
Even making careless mistakes is a sign of big anxiety. You are afraid of
the judgement of the teacher, thought you ususally get good marks.

It seems you cannot do much "rationally" so you should seek help in meds, if
you want, anti-dep like Paxil and tranquilizers to kill anxiety. Ask your
doctor.

You are intelligent and those things bore you. It's no surprise. In addition
you have to deal with people and this triggers your social phobia.
Anyway you should "lower your intelligence" and do silly boring tasks
because unless you're a famous rocket scientist, many jobs you'll find them
boring.
Do your job slowly, take your time, you're giving a service and ppl rely on
you.
Forget for some time all the math, engineer you usually think about.
Alessandro Volta, a famous italian scientist said that every invention is
made of a short intuition and a "lot of hard boring work".

Again, I think some med should help you to stay relaxed and go throught your
day.
Accept the fact you need help.

You are intelligent for sure.
I like math and science too. Because in that world everything has its rule,
and questions has only one answers.
IRL, many questions has no answer and many answers are illogical, because
humans are involved in the process.

You should start to consider humans like complex equations to be solved, but
you'll hardly find a unique solution.
You are socially anxious. You only feel good and safe when you are alone
with a book.

And beware because bending your head down like looking your feet is a sign
of depression and low self esteem.

none

I'm too tired to really consider all the info. But you definitely should
go see a professional.

none

I don't think I would be alive today if I haven't had easy access to
whatever pot I needed.

davide

It's a real dense message and you touch several important issues.
It's not easy to tell what you are, if you suffer some mental disease. Even
a professional would find it hard, IMO.
You are not "NOT NORMAL" (that is, you are normal), you're just a particular
kind of charatcher, which doesn't find many matches in your school friends,
for example.
I'd go throught your post, but take it witha a grain of salt !
Always add to my sentences --> "IMO".

Many of your problems comes from your social phobia. You are anxious and
scared among people, people you don't know, and that behave friendly.
Forgetting things after 30 s, not paying attention, etc... are symptoms you
are anxious. You are slow because you're anxious, e.g. your mind goes blank.
You know you are not into drug, but you cannot easily tell whether you're
depressed or not. Depression is a subtle illness and change your ability to
judge yourself, so you're not the best one to diagnose yourself. You should
listen what people say about you, unless they are not exaggerating or
joking, you should judge.
Even making careless mistakes is a sign of big anxiety. You are afraid of
the judgement of the teacher, thought you ususally get good marks.

It seems you cannot do much "rationally" so you should seek help in meds, if
you want, anti-dep like Paxil and tranquilizers to kill anxiety. Ask your
doctor.

You are intelligent and those things bore you. It's no surprise. In addition
you have to deal with people and this triggers your social phobia.
Anyway you should "lower your intelligence" and do silly boring tasks
because unless you're a famous rocket scientist, many jobs you'll find them
boring.
Do your job slowly, take your time, you're giving a service and ppl rely on
you.
Forget for some time all the math, engineer you usually think about.
Alessandro Volta, a famous italian scientist said that every invention is
made of a short intuition and a "lot of hard boring work".

Again, I think some med should help you to stay relaxed and go throught your
day.
Accept the fact you need help.

You are intelligent for sure.
I like math and science too. Because in that world everything has its rule,
and questions has only one answers.
IRL, many questions has no answer and many answers are illogical, because
humans are involved in the process.

You should start to consider humans like complex equations to be solved, but
you'll hardly find a unique solution.
You are socially anxious. You only feel good and safe when you are alone
with a book.

And beware because bending your head down like looking your feet is a sign
of depression and low self esteem.

pumpkinhead

In technical terminology.....you're a loon.

Nah, just kidding.

william p

A lot of what you write sounds like me in university. I'm speaking as an
ex-$22,000 scholarship winner who was top 20 in Canada in the Descartes a
couple of times.

Why do you want a disorder to lump yourself into? Do you think it's
going to tell you something or help you somehow? I don't think it will
but my call is sub-clinical Asperger's with a little bit of OCD.

Have you discovered Meyers-Briggs personality typing yet? Now *there's*
a dangerous Pandora's box, heh.

Out of curiousity, how's your relationship with your parents? To me, you
just sound like a guy who needs to establish a lot of independence and
control over your own life, and then a lot of other things may follow.

I think of this as a sort of "absent minded professor" syndrome. In
myself, I have a theory that this could have been influenced by having
parents who were extremely protective, did most mundane things for me,
and didn't have a lot of confidence in my ability to take care of myself,
which could have projected over. I think I am much better at not having
so many common sense lapses since I've been completely independent for a
few years, and more confident in myself.

Yeah, I like to focus on only one thing, and find that conversation takes
all of my conentration (and then some!)

I'd say be on the lookout for areas outside of math and physics where
your thinking may not be as logical and "rational" as you may believe.


Yeah but almost everyone *thinks* they are a very good driver, you
know?

I think the same sorts of things. Lately, I've been entertaining the
idea that the reason I find "normal" conversation so uninteresting really
has a lot to do with the fact that I have a hard time getting very
comfortable with people. (Without having the feeling that I'm being
observed or judged, and that the 'judgement' matters at all.)

What you describe does sound like mild depression, a bit. I'd had
periods of my life where I didn't think I was depressed, but in
retrospect I probably was a little bit. The classic signs are finding it
hard to really enjoy very many things, especially things that you enjoyed
in the past.

Congratulations!


You're probably going to want to get rid of that, but it would take a few
years. You'll probably get sick of being a shoulder to cry on in a hurry
though.

You're just neurotic. You don't sound too messed up to me, for what
that's worth!

Well this is a strength too you know.


You see, this is the sort of stuff which is very appealing (in a perverse
way) to tell yourself, but what you're talking about here is based on
emotion, not on rational logic.

My main advice to you is fight the appeal of being a victim and a
crybaby. You see a lot of this on this group, and these people also are
the ones who stay exactly the same year after year. You don't sound like
you do this though, which is good.


That sounds like something I'd do too! Or at least I'd run the
Pythagorean theorem in my mind to approximate how much I'd be saving.

--
will.p(at)sympatico.ca
My introvert forum: http://introversion.hopto.org/forum/index.php