modogg

I'ts been a while since I posted. I feel like I can't talk to anyone
about my thought and impulse to hurt myself. My mind runs with the
idea and it's hard for me to tame. My family and friends have been
very supportive of me and I have not let on that I want to cut. I use
their denial in my favor.

Anyhow, what got me here was a difficult holiday and the fact that my
son got married and didn't tell me for 2 weeks. Of course my emotions
ran amuck and that just sends me in a spiral usually ending in
hospitals, ambulances. stitches. in patient and out patient, tighten
the reigns on the therapy and p-doc. I want to cut. I haven't, but the
urge is getting the better of me.

I see my therapist tomorrow. Don't know how honest I will be about the
cutting. I want to prove to her that i have everything under control.
I want to have everything under control.
I'm scared that if I decide to cut it may be the last time. It may be
my final destination. Wouldn't that be nice.

I know all the flippin things I should be doing to turn things around.
I just don't want to do them. I want to isolate. Which is hard with my
new roommate. I want to pull the covers over my head and not see
another day.

On the other hand, I want to make everyone proud of me. I made it
through a crisis with out it getting to that crisis place.

used2be

i hear ya, modogg. good luck with your appt tomorrow. i hope you'll be
honest and that you will get through this awful rough patch.

*hugs*

~cindy

modogg

Thanks Cindy, its nice to know there is someone out there listening. I
want to be honest tomorrow, but I don't want to face the possable
consequences, everyone in my family thinks I have been handling this
very well. Only if they knew.

used2be

maybe you should try telling yourself, "i can cut tomorrow. i won't cut
today." then keep telling yourself that until tomorrow comes...which it
won't, of course. ;-)

i'm listening! i hear ya!

lisa in mass.

That's what a therapist is for, though, to talk to about
things you wouldn't say to your family. Someone you can open
up to honestly. Sounds like you're doing the best you can;
you're holding on so far, and your therapist should recognize
that. Of course you're still at risk, but if so far it's just
thoughts, well, thoughts aren't actions. Two very different
things. I've been having cutting urges lately and will talk to
my therapist about them this week. So long as I haven't done
anything, we'll talk about how best to deal with them and keep
safe. No mention of hospital is necessary if nothing's
happened.

If I'm at serious risk of hurting myself very badly, my
therapist trusts that I'll go for more intensive help, but so
long as I can hold on there's no repercussions. I hope it's
the same for you.

Best of luck.

-lisa

modogg

I won't cut tonight. I won't. I have come too far to go backwards. I
tell myself that and other positive things, but I am not sure they are
working. I don't like these overwhelming emotions. They drive me
nuts.

The good news is that I have prepared for the possability of wanting
to cut by getting rid of my gear. Again! I only cut with blades and
there are none in sight. Unfortunately I'm an artist and it's hard to
get rid of all my options. It just takes a bit more work to find
something that will work.

The last time I cut was back in the middle of October. I have come a
long way from cutting daily. But I must admit I would love for these
friggen feelings to go away. I hate my feelings.

used2be

feelings are just that...feelings. it's how you act on them that can be the
problem. be good to yourself!!!!!!

lisa in mass.

I haven't cut since September, myself, so I understand at least
to a degree where you're coming from. The thoughts and urges can
really drive one mad. I wish they'd disappear at will when I'm
not going to follow through. When I'm really depressed, I have
terrible suicidal thoughts, though there's no way I'm going to
do it. I'm plagued by them. Even now, I keep thinking about
cutting. I've been under stress since my father passed away in
November. He was cremated, and his interment was last week. He
was a World War II vet, so got the whole honor guard, flag, etc.
ceremony. Very moving, but opened everything up again. For the
past few days, cutting's often on my mind. I wish it would go
away.

-lisa

modogg

Lisa, sorry to hear about your loss. Makes me greatful that that
particular situation has avoided me. Thank God;

Since i started posting tonight I have gone through the mirad of
options now available to me. Drinking seams to be of utmost importance
to getting through this,.

Maybe I'll just make some sugar cookies and pretend none of this is
important.

lisa in mass.

Did it help? I hope so...