lschodosh

Sunday is my mom's birthday. I can't even explain the pain that I am
feeling. Last year, I didn't get to see her. She was all ready sick
with Leukemia, but thought that she had the flu. I was pregnant, she
didn't want to catch the flu from her. It was her 60th, I told her
that we had to do something special......she said we would next
weekend. She called me next weekend and said that she was still sick
with the flu. I told her to call the doctor. She told me that my
father thought she may have leukemia, I told her not to worry, it
sounded like anemia. He was right. We never celebrated her birthday.
She died exactly one month later. I still have her gift. What am I
supposed to do with it? I always made a big deal about her birthday.
I would call her up and sing to her, buy her lots of gifts, and tease
her about getting older. For her 50th, I bought her so many gag
gifts, she told me that she couldn't wait til my 30th, she would make
feel so old. Well, she didn't live for my 30th, she didn't live to
meet her grandson. Next month it will be year that died. December 1.
I don't know how I am going to get through that. She died during
Chanukah, how am I supposed to celebrate it now? When will I stop
feeling so tired? When will I feel normal again? When will I stop
dreaming about her? It is almost a year, am I normal for still
feeling so awful? Does anyone else feel this way? Does the anger at
the unfairness of the world ever go away? Do you ever stop being
scared that everyone around you is going to suddenly get sick and die?
Will my son ever be able to cough without me thinking he has cancer?
Will I ever be able to stay calm when I call my dad and he doesn't
answer the phone? Or is this way I will be forever, because if it
is, I have to tell you, it is now way to live.

jtadmabj

I can relate to all of that Lisa I get like that too, but I hae always been a
worrier
Please take care and know that I am thinking of you

dejesusmarisa

i can relate as well- i am so scared something may happen to my mom,
or my brothers. i am definitely now more aware of the fragility of
life, and its frightening. but like you said, its no way to live life.
my dad used to tell me i need to stop worrying so much, and enjoy life
more. well life now means being without him, and i just cannot bear
the thought most days, but i cant drown in it because I KNOW he would
be devasted if I was destroyed to the point of immobility. so what can
we do? we take of ourselves, and we keep the love we received in our
hearts. thats all i can think of to do now.

lschodosh

But how do you do that when you are feeling so sad and lonely all the
time? Please tell me, some days, like these last few, I just don't
even want to get out of bed. For now, the only thing that is bringing
me joy is my baby.

lizlanni

Lisa

You survive this by making good friends who will always be there for
you. No one will ever replace your mother. No one could ever be that
great of person (per your description to me). But you will get
through this. I promise - and like I told you just let me know and I
will hop on a plane.

LIZ

gert wallage

Dear Lisa,

Yes, birthdays are terribly hard. But I think there is another way to
approach them.

My mom died this May, and her 80th birthday was in September. I wondered
beforehand how I would ever get through that day. Then a very wise friend
(who had lost her own mother two years earlier) said that birthdays are for
celebrating life, not death. She suggested that I spend the day
remembering the happiness in my mother's life, and rejoicing in the love we
had for each other. I decided this might be an idea worth trying out.

The day before her birthday, I found a beautiful birthday card and
inscribed it with everything I wanted to say to my Mom, expressing my
gratitude for her lifetime of boundless love and generosity. (Actually, I


bought a huge bouquet of gorgeous flowers and set them in a vase; then I
put her photograph in front of it. And I bought a bottle of super-nice red
wine. (My mother enjoyed wine, but wasn't supposed to drink it because of
her daily medications. She would have loved this stuff!)

On the day itself, I rose early and read the card and letter aloud to my
mother, in front of her photograph. I said, "Darling Mom, these flowers
and this bottle of wine are for you." Then I vowed to spend the day
remembering her. My husband and I had invited over a good friend who also
knew my Mom, and we enjoyed a good meal together, swapping stories about
her.

The other thing you have to know is that one of my mother's friends had
given her, for her 79th birthday, a big ugly gilt-encrusted wineglass --
which incidentally said "80" on it. Mom accepted it graciously enough at
the time, but had admitted to me she didn't like it very much... especially
as she was only 79! So at sunset, now that it was actually her 80th
birthday, we all went down to the seashore, where I poured Mom's wine into
that !#$% wineglass. We toasted her and drained the wineglass, which I
then flung ceremoniously into the sea. (You could say I was "giving" it to
her, in the best possible way.) It felt like the absolutely *right* way to
honour her birthday.

It was a bittersweet day, sure. There were many times that day when I
cried -- of course. But my main memory of that day? It felt intensely
healing. I still miss my mother terribly, but it always feels good to
remember her birthday and how we celebrated it.

So, what I'm saying this is:

1) Your mother's upcoming birthday doesn't have to be an experience of
100% unadulterated misery.

2) It's possible to craft a ritual for that day that will actually be
deeply comforting and meaningful to you. It doesn't have to be
elaborate -- just whatever feels right for you. Maybe you can think of a
way to "give" your mother that gift after all? (My wineglass example is
just one way of doing it. Another is to pass along your gift, in honour
and memory of your mother, to someone who would love and appreciate it.
For example, I gave our local hospice my mother's complete collection of
CDs and prerecorded videotapes, and that felt just *wonderful*. I know she
would have been so thrilled to know I had done that.)

3) You may want to write a letter and/or card to your mother for her
birthday. Many people find that can bring tremendous comfort.

4) In general -- if you can find (or make) some joy in the day, please try
to do it. It may be the best way to honour your Mom and her wonderful zest
for life.

{{{hugs}}}

Gert

lschodosh

Dear Gert,
Thank you for your posting. My husband, son, and I went out to my
mother's favorite restaraunt for dinner. We sang her her birthday,
and got buzzed!!!! My mom would not have pleased with that, but hey,
I have no tolerance. I cried a lot, and was in a mood from Hell, but
I survived. Now all I have to get through is next Saturday, the
anniversary of her diagnosis, Thanksgiving, and December 1, the
anniversary of her death (I will be out of the country for both on a
Carribean Vacation), and my birthday, and when I get through those
days, I know I can get through this. Last night I went out with my
girlfriends, and laughed really laughed for the first time in almost a
year.....it still ****s, and I still feel alone, and I miss her so
much. Sometimes I even forget that she is dead, but I am starting to
do stuff for her and it kind of feels good, I don't feel good, but
doing stuff that she would have wanted me to do feels good. In my
head, she is in heaven, and when I do things I like to think that she
is watching me and I am continuing to make her happy. And that
thought is helping me a lot.