6th June 01:46
how much stress can a body take?? (immunotherapy allergic allergy throat down)
I've been doing more lurking than posting lately... mostly because of the
fact that summer is in full swing and I"m busy trying desperately to keep my
kids entertained and out of trouble.... it's been really challenging because
I've got some sort of problem with my throat... a chronic strep infection
that refuses to be treated by antibiotics (which it's tough anyway cuz I'm
allergic to virtually all antibiotics and will probably be starting
immunotherapy to desensitize my immune system and body to the different
kinds of antibiotics so as to not have an allergy reaction) and my voice is
very rough sounding, probably as a result of the infection. so anyhoo....
last time I posted was about my best friend's bridesmaid who died about a
week or so ago. All this hype about the 4th of July has really gotten me
down.... it was this week 6 years ago.... my exhusband came home from some
out of town job interview (it was really a marathon party where he did
drugs, got drunk and screwed around on me) and I'd just found out I was
pregnant.... then on July 2nd something happened where I got horribly sick.
July 4th I lost the baby.... I remember staring in shock at the tiny little
body... counting buds that were fingers and toes and seeing the tiny little
nose and eyes.... and I remember growing lightheaded and dizzy and passing
out while on the phone with my mom. she came over, helped me up and took me
to her house. I was in shock.... I remember the sounds of fireworks
exploding, sending fear shockwaves through my system.... because my ex had
yet again gone on one of his tirades about what a useless female I was, how
lousy of a wife and a crappy mother I was..... I sit back now and pity the
jerk.... but I'll never forget that loss.... it feels like it wasn't all
that long ago that it happened....
I think I'm ready for a vacation from life as I know it..... I've been
pushing myself harder than ever before.... each night, I come home from the
gym and I end up icing my knee, my shoulder, my elbow, my ankle or whatever
joint is irritated by being pushed beyond its limits.... I feel like I"m
losing patience, mostly with myself....
and then I found myself thinking.... while on the stationary bike, these
words begin to cloud my mind... phrases and descriptions, these images set
to a mental tune that only I can hear.... Friday was especially strange....
The hands of time stand still
Tears falling like rain
The mists of existence
Fade to black.
A tormented soul laid to rest
As angels watch over me...
The breath of morning dew
Kiss my lips...
Echoes in the canyon of my mind
The stars gaze into my eyes
As they stare blankly into eternal existence...
I"m wondering just how much more I can take....
6th June 01:49
how much stress can a body take??
(((Sly))) I can see why the fourth of July might bring back bad memories
instead of good(you losing a baby)hope I got that post right..I know alot of
women that also have lost their babies and feel sad for all of them-since
babies are a part of us from the moment of conception to birth to death(should
they die before us)...wish all moms could have healthy babies from the get
go-but it doesn't always happen for one reason or other-none that probably make
sense to us...Jo