sophie

It just hit me, like that, Bam !! First before pouring my heart out, I want
to clarify what I mean to write rather clumsily here: It's not about
primary/secondary. NEVER I have been a primary for so long, and am
permanently IF because without hormonal treatment I don't have cycles, don't
ovulate, don't menstruate and thus can't have children.
I know how I felt. This unbearable torture, of not knowing whether I'd be
able to have a child one day, and feeling the unfairness of it all. That was
one side of it. I still feel it is awful to be in this situation and I
praise God every day for the little miracle I got. I hope all my friends who
are still waiting for their turn, will be blessed soon, I really do.
And I am talking about my own feelings ONLY. So if someone is hurt by what I
write (and I truely hope it is not the case) please email me.

Now, that being said...I thought the feeling disappeared completely. That it
would be something like....Well let's try for the second child, and if it
doesn't work I'll still feel happy I have one child. I thought I'd take
things casually...
It doesn't happen like that...
First there's the reminder that you ARE INFERTILE !!! Hello, I got pg, I
gave birth, but now I got to see doctors in order to get pg. No way I can
try on my own, and get pg on a rest cycle, the doctor is compulsory. When DD
was born, I hoped for a while, that I'd see AF come (Silly since I have
primary amenorrhea and the only way AF could come was when I took BCP). This
will always be there: I'm not a "normal" woman, so you'll never see
unexpected pgcy posts from me. That being said, don't get me wrong, I'm very
happy when one of ours is pg. At least some people on this group can beat IF
!! (YEAH)
Second, now I *know* what it is to feel a child in my belly during 9 months,
to talk with this child, to bring her home, to give and get love from this
unique little being. Before I could only imagine that, and I didn't know
that after experiencing this with DD I'd want one more child. With Heloise
I've got wonderful things to live and I'm really looking forward to that;
but her babyhood is nearly gone. And I know I've got love to give to more
than one child. I don't mean as a primary I didn't know about these
feelings, it's not the case. But now I have lived these things myself. They
left a trace in my heart. I will cherish these moments forever.

Most of my fertile "friends" are now pg with # 2, everyone forgetting I'm
IF (Hey you got one, now it should be easy to get the second one)... I hear
less sensitive comments, like "Just got off the pill, and was pg the next
month...What are you waiting for ???Maybe you don't need treatment this
time". Am I supposed to explain it ALL again ???? No I won't...

You know as a little girl I dreamed about a family of 6, a lot of children
laughing and running everywhere. I know this won't happen, but please God,
give me another child, a sibbling for my wonderful and beautiful little
girl, someone who can share the love we have to give.

frenchie of the group. The language barrier doesn't allow me to really speak
up my mind, but I try.

Thanks if you've made it this far; and sorry if I have hurt someone.

Sophie
Mommy to Héloïse

heather

External User

 

Posts: 1

Sophie

I could not have said it better!! I do not reply often but I do read your
posts. I am so sorry about all the "downs". I never had fertility issues
until after my DD. No one I know has IF issues. No one understands.
Everyone thinks since I have Ashley, I should be blessed. I am. She is my
angel but how can I not give my angel everything. She wants a baby sister
so bad. Everyday she says prayers and asks God. It kills me.

Not to undermined primary IF but since having my DD I know what I am missing
with each m/c.

Keep your head up.
Heather

speak

care-bear74

Sophie-
I know EXACTLY what you mean.I knew that I would love being a mother,
but to experience it is something totally different. I want to have
another baby in my tummy. Hold a new life in my arms. Look at the tiny
person who is part me & part my dh. We have had such joy watching Elijah
grow & change this past year. He has become unique little person. The
idea of never experiencing it again is enough to make me want to cry. I
feel selfish because God already granted me such a wonderful little boy,
but I so want another baby. I want Elijah to have a sibling. I think
most of us think & feel the same way that you do.

Carolyn M.
Elijah's mommy
05/07/03

megnmattbyrne

Oh Sophie,
It ****s to feel this way. You said everything fine, no language
barrier. I really do know how you feel. Although, I was one to have a
miraculous "oops" pregnancy, I had so many feelings of doubt. And then
look what happened. I, too, have the longings of another infant, another
baby in my belly. How lucky you were to carry Heloise for so long. That
is another fear I have. All the work to get pregnant and then the fears
of IC and carrying to term. IF stinks in all corners. But, we are
stronger women for going through it. "what dosen't kill us makes us
stronger" they say. Should we believe them?

Megan~
Mommy to
Aidan & Alexis born 9/28/02
Twin Angels..
baby boy 6/20/01 (18 weeks)
baby girl 7/1/01 (20 weeks)

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis

chelle0295

another. I thought I would just burst from the pain after each negative beta.


Now, I have thoughts about a third child and RIGHT now, I think I would be ok
with the two blessings I have...but as we celebrate each milestone with
Logan...it gets harder and harder to NOT think of having a baby around again.

Michelle

whodunit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sophie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Girl, I hear you. :*(

Love,
Carolyne in TX

marecat

As you know, you and I are two of a kind this way. I kinda feel like
you're my "IF sister."


Sadly, no, it doesn't.


No "oops" pregnancies here either!

My own mother (whom I've explained everything to a million times and
who I thought finally understood my condition and that it's a
PERMANENT one) has been making comments such as, "I'll bet you won't
have any problems getting pg next time on your own." <sigh>

I would like a sibling for Rayna also. That's not too much for us to
ask for, is it??

{{{{{{{{{{Sophie}}}}}}}}}}

Mary--who knows exactly where you're coming from
--
Proud mama to Rayna 1/20/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/r/raynamarie/

bakertc

Sophie you said this very eloquently (I couldnt have stated my feelings
any better). It does hurt that our bodies have betrayed us. I would
love just one time in my life to have a year of 28 day cycles like every
"normal" person in the USA its funny when i say im late at work you know
what your coworkers automatically say (oh i bet your pg) you roll your
eyes of course and laugh ususally. The only time i got pg on my own was
after getting off of birth control pills but then i miscarried that
baby. I just hope we can find some peace and soon. I know your
hurting Sophie. You dont have to apologize to me at all. I know what
your feeling. I felt the same feelings you did when i wanted another
baby after i had Jake. I had been having 44 day cycles there for a
while but now seem to be going back to my old habits again. When you
describe your cycles you sound just like me describing me!! Its
strange. Take care of yourself and come and vent anytime ok?


Tim, Clarice, Jake, Alexis


http://community.webtv.net/Bakertc/JakeandAlexis

froggenfly

Sophie, I feel as though you reached into my head and pulled out those
words. I thought that after I finally go pg with ds that my IF had
been "cured", that my next pg would be easy. Heck, even my RE and OB
said it would be. I feel like I didn't enjoy that pg enough, I didn't
cherish ds being a baby enough and rushed it along. I just knew it
would happen again quickly and then again quickly and by the time I
was done ttc I would actually be tired of being pg and dealing with
babies. I look at ds now and he is growing so fast, it makes me so
sad. He is 4 1/2 now and it is sooo hard remembering him as a baby. I
never wanted to forget that. Not saying that I do forget it, but I
want it back. We lived with my dh's parents for the first 18 months of
his life and I feel like we didn't get to really enjoy him as a baby.
We had to share it with someone else 24/7. We were not the only first
ones to hear his first words, to see him crawl, his first steps and
got to call people all excited. I wanted the chance to do it again,
but this time by myself. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but when
you finally get the child you've worked so hard for you don't want to
share some things, qwim?

I too thought like you.... "we can ttc again and if it doesn't happen
then I'll be happy with the miracle that I do have and can say that I
tried", it just hasn't been that easy. I am happy for my miracle, but
extremely sad that there very well may not be another one. It is a
constant reminder that I have a disease (yes, that's what I think it
is) and that there is no cure for it and that there are constant
reminders that I am inflicted with it. Tonight was the worst for
me.... my neighbor just had her baby and got home today. This is
someone who got pg twice without ttc. I felt that I must got over to
welcome them home, didn't want to seem like the evil witch. So off I
go.... she has a 3yo ds and he was so wonderful with the new baby.
OMG, it was the hardest thing I have had to sit through. All I could
think of is how my own ds would be with a new sibling and it just
wasn't fair that he was being denied that chance. And who's fault is
that??

I just realized that I have turned your post into my own personal
rant. I am so sorry. I am also sorry that you are feeling this way
right now. I wish I could say that it would get better, but I honestly
don't know that it ever will (not in my case anyway). I think that's
the saddest part about IF- it stays with you forever.....

Sheila

sophie

Well yes I feel blessed I was able to carry her until 38w 4d actually, but
even then my waters brokes but i didn't have enough contractions... Of
course you know how it ended...

Sophie
Mommy to Héloïse

"Megan Byrne" <megnmattbyrne@webtv.net> a écrit dans le message de news:
6332-40D098ED-95@storefull-3338.bay.webtv.net...