slykitten

I lost my grandma back on April 9th. she had small cell lung cancer, a
secondary diagnosis of bone cancer and complications due to congestive heart
failure. towards the end, the cancer had metastasized to her brain. she went
through 2 weeks of radiation therapy and at the end of the 2 weeks, my
cousin unexpectedly died. we talked on the phone and she told me that she
didn't want to go through the radiation anymore. so we talked about her
options... she wanted hospice. within 2 weeks of having hospice come into
the home, she slid downhill very quickly. twice she had to be put into the
hospital in their inpatient hospice unit. the first time, she was there for
her birthday. she came home that monday. she was home for about a week....
I'd gotten a call from my dad telling me how they couldn't wake my grandma
up.... he wanted to know how they'd know when she was in her last stages of
death. I told him. Monday the following week (which was April 7th) she
became incoherent. I talked with her briefly on the phone.... she told me
she loved me. Tuesday night I'd received a call saying that grandma was back
in the hospital and she slipped into a coma.... Wednesday the 9th she died.
things happened so fast. strange as it was, I felt somewhat relieved because
of the pain she was in.... she was finally free of that awful agony.... even
now, I still am not sure how I feel.... I really havent' cried.... there are
days when it feels like it just happened and there are days where it feels
like it's been so long ago.... there are even days when it feels like it was
in another life, like it wasn't my life yet it was but I wasn't living it
but rather watching it from a distance and yet I was living it. I have
pictures of her holding my 3 kids.... I have pictures of her when I'd gotten
married and I've got memories of her and the support she gave when I got
divorced and fled for my life. she opened her home to me, she gave me a job,
she was in a lot of ways, my mother.... I feel this great void in my life
now, I even feel like a piece of me was ripped to shreds and somehow it
feels almost like it never was yet I've got these memories and some of those
memories, though they're wonderful memories, they make me mad because I
can't just get on the phone and call her anymore... I can't just plan a
visit with her anymore, I can't tell her about the wonderful weather we're
having out here and I can't tell her how much I miss my hometown... I miss
her trying to push me back into the medical field and I miss her lectures on
the ways of the world.... the last time I talked to her for any great length
of time was when we had our big snow storm back in March.... we'd gotten
about 2 to 3 feet of snow with drifts topping out in some areas at 6 feet..
we laughed and joked... we had fun..... now it seems so distant.... like it
was in a movie I'd watched.... I know that feeling of being lonely.... I can
relate..... and it hurts!
when your son asks to see her again, tell him the truth. there are books out
there for kids, explaining death....
(((((((((((((((((Hugs!!)))))))))))))))))))

lizlanni@twmi.rr.com

Craig

My mother died suddenly on May 8, 2003 - it was unexpected - she was
not sick. I never got to say goodbye. Right now I am very angry - so
expect that also expect to feel that it does not seem real. But keep
thinking of the good times. I have been told that with time you will
only have good memories.

I hope that this happens soon for both of us. Good Luck

LIZ

ishambat@hotmail.com (ilya

Sure thing. How about writing all these memories down? That way, they
don't exist only in your head, and you don't have a head full of
ghosts.