daniel

No, you don't have the energy to fight these battles. Isn't it the pits
the way when you are most on the spot, there just aren't any reserve
resources left to draw from.

When we're *really* under stress, most of us don't "rise to the occassion".
We fall back to our level of basic training. And most of us have no
experience, no training, when it comes to dealing with death and the list
of things that have to be done in the aftermath.

One of the consequences is that people around you may be responding with
the kind of nitpicking that is their basic or habitual level of action.
That ****s every day, and even more when you're already hurting too much to
describe.

One of the things I was "trained" to believe by my father is that I am just
no damn good and no matter what I do it would have been better *if*
this-or-that, or it would have been blinking *perfect* if my older brother
had done it. I don't know your story, but if there was any of that kind of
down-putting in your family, it may also be that your feelings of not being
up to the task are your level of basic training. If so you have *them* to
thank for that and it is not your fault. You can't overcome years of crap
with a sudden decision or snap of the fingers.

When the agitation of the funeral blows over, and the cards and calls slow
and then stop, you will be there alone with the big grief thing to deal
with. You don't have to deal with it all at once. We learn to live with
loss bit by bit, hour by hour. It comes and goes.

I'm sorry.

Hang in there. Please let us know how it's going.

--
Daniel
deltaechomike@usa.net

lewis

Amen to what Daniel said!

joe

feel so much better... not only from what you have posted but from the
comfort of those who came to pay their respects. Much to my surprise,
some of those who grew up with us as children showed up and talked
about how Mom was like their second Mom and that Mom had always made
them feel that our home was their home... it really lifted me up to
know that Mom had so touched these people across so many decades.

lewis

Well! Thank goodness for this Hey?!

It's a start to healing it sounds like to me. You see it doesn't even
matter iff it goes off well to begin with. It's how you feel. A plus if
anyone does too.

My X and I decided cremation was the way for each of us whoever came first
and we would teach our kids this too. We were criticized by the "preacher"
that "the Lord" needs a burial. What a compassionate person.

I do miss having my place with my daughter. That @#$%^&* isabel hurricane
killed the place we cast her ashes to the ocean. I'd like a shrine but I
don't like the waste of land for that. I don't have the money for some
scholarship fund for future minds like hers.

The lady who asked me to marry and I said yes married a rich SOB 4 days
afterwards. Screw Vegas! Money too! I guess love IS for sale.


sorry.


http://shannon.teemingmillions.com/

jae_1950

I am smiling.. yes that is so good to hear.. Godspeed to your Mom..
Hold on Jae Good words Daniel.

joe

Well... after the funeral today, I came home and went to bed. I just
didn't feel like trying to do anything or be around anyone. It's now
3:35 AM and I've been up since 2 AM. I can't sleep and I don't feel
like being awake. It's like not knowing what to do... and no
motivation. I feel like I'm going nuts.
I realize that everyone grieves differently... but I am afraid... what
am I supposed to do now... this day has been the hardest so far.
I would appreciate any advice on how that each of you handled the
"right after"

freda

Joe said


I felt about the same, and still do (my husband died almost 9 weeks ago
- he was 44).

The funeral didn't make me feel any "better" - some people tell you that
it will - the only improvement was that I didn't have the funeral ahead
of me any more. That evening I slept too, but as I hadn't slept the
night before so I think it was more exhaustion than anything.

Fear. Panic. What words can I use? Inconsolable sadness. A wrenching
feeling in the stomach every time it hits again that they are no longer
there.

You can't sleep, you can't eat. And when you do sleep you have to deal
with the bit when you wake up. I hate that bit - just had to deal with
it just now.

I could go on, and while we all will suffer this differently, we all
suffer it the same.

How did I handle the "right after". The answer is I didn't, I just
survived it the best I could. I endured. I would crawl up into bed when
it all got too bad and just tried my best to let it all wash over - and
sometimes I "used" a couple of glasses of wine to take the edge off,
while once or twice I just got plain drunk. I would call people and cry
down the phone, and I would take up their offers of tea and sympathy
when ever they came.

I hope someone has some better advice for you, but all I can offer is
"be nice to yourself", take up offers of company and sympathy, and just
try as far as you can to let it wash over you. But don't hold back the
tears. We love them, we miss them, we need them, and most of all we just
want them back - I just don't think there is a way out of the initial
pain.

My husband's funeral was just over 4 weeks ago, and that seems as long
ago as a lifetime - kind of surreal. Did it really happen? And then I
look at the empty chair, and walk into the bed room and see the casket
of ashes and I know it is all too real.

But the sharpness *is* starting to go off. And that almost make me feel
guilty...

And just remember that you are not alone in this - we are all with you.

jae_1950

I don't remember the night after. The shock was so unspeakable, my mind hid
it.
Give time, time.
Hold on, (I always say "hold on" because it is what we do. It feels like
cliff hanging.)
Jae

slykitten

Hmmm.... how did I handle the "right after"? The morning of my grandma's
funeral, I went to a very private "viewing" where it was almost like I
turned 7 again. I touched her cold cheek and whispered, "wake up grandma...
wake up!" I got snapped back by hearing my grandfather's sobbing.
Immediately I distanced myself as if I were consoling one of my patient's
family members.
The evening, right after my grandma's funeral I spilled tears in the quiet
privacy of the bathroom. But when I left grampa's house, my father attacked
me, beating me up (had a fist mark on my cheek, my jaw, a slight bruise
under my right eye on my cheekbone, my legs were bruised up after that son
of a bitch slammed my legs in the car door about 3 times and the shooting
pain from my back that had been terribly twisted up as I tried to escape the
punches.) and from there, after he told me I had no right to grieve my
grandmother, I've spent the last 10 months consulting with attorneys on
personal injury issues and trying to find a way to get even with my father,
including having his violent ass thrown in prison. For me, I honestly cannot
allow myself to grieve until my father is completely out of the picture. be
it by death or prison, I don't care. I LOVED my grandma... hell, I still do.
So how did I handle the "right after"? I haven't yet. I probably won't until
after I deal with that bastard father of mine. My grandma used to protect me
from him. now she's gone and I feel almost stripped.... completely bare and
***** of any power to protect myself. She never let me be his doormat or
punching bag.... even that pathetic excuse of a mother I have didn't protect
me. my grandma was more of a mom to me.... she's the one who taught me right
from wrong, she taught me how to cook, do laundry.... she taught me that
it's ok to feel, we're all human. When one of my patients would die, I'd go
to her house, no matter how exhausted I was and we'd sit there talking and
she'd let me cry for my patients. She told me that there's nothing wrong
with feeling as I did. She'd be more concerned if I felt nothing at all.
then she'd always fix us up some vanilla ice cream with Hershey's syrup and
a mug of bailey's and milk and we'd sit there snacking and drinking and
talking and laughing. I could always laugh with her. I could always be
myself with her. She nurtured me and cheered me on and called me on stuff
that wasn't positive or perhaps a bad choice I'd made.... she was my best
friend. My heart feels empty without her. I've sought therapy, I'm on
medication to help with the depression and anxiety, I spend one day a week
talking with my therapist for 45 minutes, trying to figure out 1) where I
went wrong with my life, 2) why my parents always called me a f*ck up and 3)
how I can let myself grieve my grandma's death. I guess I didn't deal with
the "right after" and I don't know how.

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

slykitten

<gently snipped>


That's the best way I've ever heard it described. Amazing how some days we
have a strong foot hold and other days it feels like we're barely hanging on
by the skin of our teeth and yet other days when it feels like we're in a
free fall with no one to catch us.