lisa in mass.

i hate making phone calls, especially to crisis lines. but i
promised my therp i'd always call before i cut, and i'm so close
to the line i can feel the edge of it. i've even got knives in
my pocket. wanted to get them out before my husband's asleep, so
i wouldn't wak him rummaging through the back of my drawer. i
just wish it wasn't supposed to be warm tomorrow. i might not be
presentable in a t-shirt.

-lisa

christopher nelson

I'm sorry you're doing such. I know that when things reach a certain
point (just shy of critical) it can be hard to turn back. I hope the
crisis people can help you stay short of said critical point. I wish
you the luck and strength of heroes.

--
Christopher Nelson -- chris@cavein.org
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Larkinson's Law:
All laws are basically false.

lisa in mass.

thank you, christopher. somehow, i made it through unscathed.
i'm not sure how; the person on the crisis line admitted to
knowing nothing about cutting and basically said that there was
nothing she could do to help. i don't know what kept me safe. i
tried to read a little bit, then went to sleep. now i just have
tonight to get through...

one night, one hour at a time.

-lisa

madchatter101

glad to hear that you made it through lisa. you sound very desperate
right now or should i say over the past couple months. wish there was
something i could do or say but then again there isnt much out there i
dont think when you are in this mindset. sorry

lisa in mass.

thanks diane. i've had trouble off and on for a couple of
months, but this has been two weeks straight, without a break. i
wish there was something that would help, but all i can do is
try to distract myself, keep putting off cutting until later,
and remind myself that if i cut now, it will only make me want
to cut more, and prolong the misery. it's all getting pretty
old.

-lisa

madchatter101

i cant say that i have ever gone through what you have and maybe thats
because i always gave in and cut? i dont know. anyways how are you doing
today? any better?

i was very down and out myself last night. cried harder then ive cried
in a long time. just bad depression, hating my life, not wanting to go
on and the thought of cutting entered my mind. it went as fast as it
came but i did think about it. hope you dont struggle as much today

sir benjamin nunn

I can't work out if I cheated or not.

I up-sized two of my piercings with new jewellry last night, which involved
a little blood, a substantial amount of pain, and some endorphin release.

I told myself because it had a functional/cosmetic purpose, it was not an
act of self harm. :-/

BTN

lisa in mass.

thank you, diane. i'm doing a bit better. still wanting to cut,
but under better control. getting very tired of fighting,
though.

i'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a tough time. i'm
glad you got through the moment. i hope you're feeling better
now. i know how bad depression can get.

-lisa

lisa in mass.

i guess whether you cheated depends on what you think.

my younger son, aged 10, came up with a plan for cutting down
on sugar. he keeps asking me whether it's ok to eat something.
i can't tell him, it's his diet. only he can know whether he's
cheating.

ordinarily, i'd say that piercings generally don't count. it
depends on their intent, though. if the intent is to pierce or
re-pierce so as to get a rush, it counts. if it's to be able
to wear jewelry, and you didn't think about it before the fact
as self-harm, it doesn't. just because you got a rush doesn't
mean that you intended it, any more than getting an endorphin
release after an accident.

my opinion, anyway.

-lisa

sir benjamin nunn

Yeah, like I'm ever gonna figure out what goes on in my head! :-)

I guess for me, the body piercings for adornment, the self-harm to express
angst and the sensual/erotic/high aspect of pain are all related. It's all
wrapped up as a part of me, and how I handle sensations of all kinds.


I once knew someone who claimed to drink no alcohol, but would *always* eat
lots of liquer chocolates, food cooked in wine etc.

That makes sense.

I wanted to upsize these holes anyway, to wear different jewellry BUT I'm
also aware that I was very close to self-harming at the time, for the first
time in several weeks, and maybe the reason I didn't was because of the
endorphin release.

So, yeah, like, whatever. ****ed up. :-)

BTN