shanna

Hi All,

I used to post here regularly years ago. I stopped because of the
trolls that had taken over. I find myself back here because I don't
know where else to go.

Spoilered just in case...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
I'm 24 and a recovering bulimic. I think I'll forever be recovering
because when things get crappy, it's the first thing I do. I don't
purge on a daily basis, but I go in spurts. I'll do it a few times one
week, then nothing for a month or two. I've never been underweight,
far from it actually, and that's really why I became bulimic in the
first place. For the most part, I was a restrictive bulimic. Even
now, when I do purge, I usually don't binge. I'll have a semi normal
meal before hand.

That's kinda my background. On to more recent stuff. I got married
four and a half years ago, and at the time, I thought it was a good
idea, but lately, I've been regreting it. I love my husband, and I
think he loves me, but I've been incredibly unhappy with myself and my
life for a while now.

My dad died in December 2002 and I had a miscarriage in March 2003 and
I don't think I'm past any of those things. I had a very tenuous
relationship with my dad for several years. We'd had a fight before my
wedding so he wasn't there. I found out six months later that he had
been diagnosed with stage 4 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Since he was alone
in the city he was living in, I brought him out to be with me. He was
such a different person while he was sick - he was the father I missed
for so many years, the father he used to be before he'd been
misdiagnosed with depression in the late 80s (he was actually bipolar -
if I'd known sooner, I would never have missed all that time). In any
case, his health went up and down and he spent his time in and out of
hospitals. On Nov 17, 2002, a day before his birthday, he went into
the hospital for the last time. He deteriorated over the next month.
His speech kinda went away and he stopped eating. On Dec 22, after
just two days in ICU, he died. I only got six months with him and I
still miss him so much.

But about a month later, I got to be happy for a bit. G-d took my
father, but He was going to give me a baby. Or so I thought. I found
out at 8 weeks, that I would miscarry, and at 10 weeks, I did. Two and
a half years later, a year and half of TTCing, and now three months of
infertility treatments where all my hormone levels are perfect and my
tubes are not blocked, and I'm still incredibly bitter. It's so hard
for me to be around babies (and they are everywhere). It's so hard
watching people who got married at the same time I did or later having
their second kids. All I ask, is why not me? All I've ever truely
wanted from life was to have a healthy child. But maybe it's G-d's way
of saying get out while you can.

Things between my husband and me are okay I guess. I don't really know
what's going on in his head because he doesn't really talk to me about
that kinda stuff. I don't really think he talks to anyone. He had a
really rough childhood and I guess it's really hardened him.

And then there's the ***, or lack thereof. I already feel like such
shit about myself that this has kinda pushed me over. He doesn't ever
really instigate. I have to do it all the time. I feel like I'm
begging for something I feel we should both be wanting. And when it
does happen, the whole thing doesn't last more than 15 minutes and I
just wonder why I bother. And the worst thing of all, while cleaning
(and I really was cleaning - trying to put his laundry away) I found
**** magazines hidden in one of his shirts with a bra in there. I lost
it. I don't really care if he's looking at it cause I can't keep up
with him, or even if we had a decent *** life, but I just feel like
he's choosing that route over me. And it hurts. And I don't know what
to say.

And I just feel like there's no way out. I find myself wondering how
long it would take if I slit my wrists, or if there are any pills in
the house that I could take. I'm so unhappy, I'm so miserable in my
life in general. Work depresses me even more. The last thing I wanted
was to sit in an office doing admin type stuff but that's what I'm
stuck doing right now because I stopped going to school to get married,
and I can't afford to go back to school now. Nor can I handle being in
school and working full time.

This isn't what I wanted. I gave up dreams because I thought we'd be
happy. But now all I do is pray to G-d to let me change the past. I'd
give up years from my life to change the past.

And now I've rambled on for a page at least, and if you actually got to
this part thank you for reading.

I just feel so incredibly lost with no one to talk to.

Shanna

hi Shanna

I haven't checked this group in ages but for some reason decided to
today. I remember you from before and read your post and couldn't not
reply. I don't have much advice to offer....first would like to give
you a big hug {{{shanna}}] I am so sorry for all you have been going
through with your Dad and the miscarriage and your marriage. I have
never lost a parent but it must be so difficult, esp with your
cir***stances. I can really relate to the trying to conceive problems
and also your marriage problems....I don't feel comfortable posting
personal stuff here anymore though but feel free to email me.

Do you have any real life support? It sounds like therapy would be so
useful right now. I know its difficult as I have been trying to make
myself get back into therapy for years but it never quite happens. You
just sound so depressed Is there anything that you enjoy doing right
now? Could you try to start one thing, just a class once a week or
meeting a friend once a week, or a walk every day, just one thing you
enjoy just for you? Your life just sounds like there is nothing in it
anymore for YOU.

Wish I had better advice or knew what to say...I'm sorry. But I just
couldn't not reply cause it sounds like you are in so much pain. I wish
this group was what it was before and there was more support here...I
hope some other people reply and are better at it than me.

Love
ag