karlpfefferkorn

I guess I have always embraced the idea that bad things like cancer
always happen to other people, to other families. I have always
thought that, probably because I was secretly wishing for it to be
true. I am still trying to come to terms with the news that my
brother David (37 years old) has liver cancer, and that he is dying.
Everything the textbooks say about how folks who are experiencing this
feel is true. I am bewildered, angry, shocked, denying it, avoiding
it, and most of all, I am terrably sad. Hes my brother... we shared
our lives together... this isnt supposed to happen! Reality ****s. I
want to wake up from this nightmare and cheer, but there will be no
cheering. David IS fighting. He is married with two small children,
and his will to live and to be normal is evident, but what is also
evident is that he is becoming weaker. Several close calls requiring
hospitalization have shocked months of the "everything is going to be
ok" mentality out of me. As I look forward, I want to be hopeful and
not hopeless, but I am also a very pragmatic and realistic person. I
know what the reality and gravity of this situation is. I cried last
time I talked with him on the phone. I called and talked with his
wife, (who is a pillar of strength through all this) who said Dave is
having a really good day (good days and bad days are measured in
urgent visits with doctors and nurses.) I spoke with him that day,...
and I could not understand half of what he said.......... I cried my
entire commmute home. My brother David is the Rock, the constant and
the strength in my family. I have always looked up to him for
guidance and advice. An Ivy League educated lawyer in DC, he helped
me whenever I had big decisions in my life... I still look up to him,
and I cant see this world without him... "How can this happen?", I
ask myself. My wife is my support, we talk about the pain and she
helps me to cope, but I am still in a great deal of emotional pain.
I know that next year, the sun will shine brighter than ever before.
I will be with my 1 year old son and we will play and hike in the
mountains and breathe fresh air, but right now, I dont know what to
do, the pain is so great. I just wanted to write.

dolphins16

Dear Karl,
I read your story with so little understanding of what it is like to watch
someone you love leaving this earth.
I've decided that I don't know which is worse; The shock of losing a loved
one, or the anticipation of losing someone.
Thank you for writing this. If you get a chance, buy the little book
titled: Emmanuel one, by Pat Rodaghast. It is a look at death through an
entirely different perspective. Simple questions and answers about death.
Here is an excerpt: "What is death like?" "Death is like taking off a tight
pair of shoes"
It doesn't stop the pain of losing someone you love, but it helps somehow.
JVM
Hold on

slykitten

I had to respond because only a mere 7 and a half months ago, I was standing
in your shoes. My grandma had lung cancer. April 9th she died. it was the
first time I'd ever seen her *truly* at peace..... without pain. I know it's
not easy and I know that no matter what anyone says, it's not gonna make the
hurt go away. you feel cheated and betrayed..... your best friend is
fighting for his life and you are helpless to do a damned thing about it and
not only does it make you mad but it really hits below the belt.... it hurts
in a way that no one can possibly comprehend unless they have been through
it. I've worked with cancer patients and no matter how many different forms
of cancer I've seen and no matter how brave the faces of these virtual
strangers.... when they pass, it's like getting punched in the gut.... but
when it happened to my grandma, my guts lurched and my heart literally
shattered. it just couldn't be real.... this sort of thing happened to other
people.... not anyone in *my* family.... or so I thought.... Yeah, I wish I
didn't know what you're feeling right now but in a lot of ways, I do.....
granted I didn't lose a sibling to the disease but grandma was the closest
thing to a mom I've ever really had. I'd be lying if I told you that in
time, you'll get "used" to the idea.... this is something that you simply
don't get "used" to..... every day, though a new day.... the reality of such
a disease hits you every single day as if the day before it wasn't
there.... it's a nightmare that no matter how hard you pinch yourself, you
just can't wake up from. nothing is ever the same..... it's a surreal and
morbid reality that just can't be shaken from the thoughts.....
I'm so incredibly sorry that you're going through this.... I really am....
it's so terrible having to go through the "anticipatory grief" but yet, when
the unthinkable happens, for some reason, going through the "anticipatory
grief" makes the actual grief different.... there are days that I deny that
anything happened at all.... that maybe I dreamed the last 27 of my 28 years
of life.... that maybe my grandma never really was here and that I was once
someone else and not who I am now.... and then there are days where there's
no question that it really did happen to *me* and not someone else and that
reality truly bites.... Hang in there.... if you'd like to e mail me pvtly,
let me know.... who knows? I might be able to help you to deal with what's
to come.... Hang in there (easier said than done, I know....) somehow we
find strength when we think we don't have anymore....

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

edwin clark

Do you mean the following book (from amazon.com)?

"Emmanuel's Book : A Manual for Living Comfortably in the Cosmos"
by Judith Stanton and Pat Rodegast

I assume this is the book since amazon.com lists another book by
the same authors titled "Emmanuel's Book II: The Choice for Love"

--Edwin

dolphins16

Dear Edwin,
Yes, that's the book.


re-buying it. :-) I hope it helps you.
I found that I was always trying to ****yze sorrow. The answers are so
simple and I thought "simple" couldn't be right. The more I read Emmanuel,
the better I feel. I pray it helps you that way.

JVM
Hold on
"Edwin Clark" <eclark@math.usf.edu> wrote in message news0bAb.16233$b01.320942@twister.tampabay.rr.co m...

karlpfefferkorn

Thankyou Sly. I appreciate that you took the time to read my post and
respond. You are right about the hurt and I take your words to heart,
because I know they are true. This is an awful time..., but I am a
lover of life and I want to be able to look at the sky and the earth,
and see the beauty surrounding me. My brother died this afternoon,
and I cannot believe it. I keep thinking about his two kids, Jack(3)
and Joshua(2), and how they are going to be impacted by the loss of
their father, my brother. Time will heal, but today I am sad.
K