bazautomaticxx

hi everyone, just thought i'd tell you my horror story lol. i'm baz, 32, i live
in Northants, UK.
i may as well spill it out, i've been bottling this all up for years so f****ve
my rantings. :-p
well my sleeping patterns are terrible, i've just finished typing this at
06:40am so i'll probably sleep through the flipping day again.
anyway, i've just been diagnosed with severe Complex PTSD.
whereas normal PTSD arises from one large significant event, the complex
disorder usually arises from many smaller but still significant events over a
lot of time.
in my case it was bullying, i started getting bad anxiety attacks since i was
about 4 or 5 but that was more down to other issues in my homelife, i still get
them, they feel more like heavy suffocating intrusive thoughts of no substance
that i can't actually pinpoint, it's kind of an awake nightmare, like a sense
of impending doom or feelings of non-existence. Does anyone else feel this?
it's quite frightening.
i have a pretty severe facial disfigurement and also a speech defect, had many
years of painful surgery with it. all the stress, paranoia and anxiety attacks
not to mention clinical depression has made me very underweight over the years,
today i only way around 7st 5lb which is just one of the classic sympton of
CPTSD
my high school years were intolerable with the bullying i had received, even by
the teachers, i was eventually kicked out right before my exams because i got
my collarbone dislocated in the school yard and the culprits were defended. i
was never offered any kind of counselling back then whatsoever, and i was also
cruelly bullied to some degree at home (sibling rivalry) which only added to
the stress, which i think he's sorry for now anyway.
well when i finally left the 'special school' unit for ****s with learning
difficulties which i was placed in after being excluded from high school (i
never had learning difficulties), i had no confidence, self-esteem nor gcse's.
living with my condition has been a very isolating one and i became very
detatched from modern society. when you're looked upon and ridiculed like some
sort of circus attraction and there was nobody around to tell you otherwise,
you kind of start to believe the lies and that it's you with the problem.
i went to different colleges after but each time i had the same problems, i
could no longer concentrate on my studies with worrying what joke i'll be the
butt off the next day, so again i left with nothing. i did eventually acquire
NVQ Level 2 in IT in an adult training centre, but thats all i have and it
hasn't helped me gain work, as yet.
i tried manual work a few times but i was so unsure of myself by then, i
couldn't concentrate on that fully either. i also found 1 days work to be
physically and mentally draining to the point of exhaustion, as if i had worked
a full month non-stop, i put that down to my affected health, muscular pains
which i always get anyway, weight-loss, nervousness etc. yet people and certain
family members still tells me to "stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a
job" or "you're just full of self pity". or "well i've been picked on and it
never done me any harm". hardly words of encouragement and from people that
weren't so perfect themselves, anyway it didn't do that particular person any
harm because that person didn't have the condition i have or any other for that
matter so it was probably only trivial anyway. yeah they all still think i'm
just a loser lazy idiot full of lame excuses.
lets see how far they'd get in a job interview in my shoes, especially with
little references, no qualifications and low work history. little wonder i lost
self-belief, confidence and ambition. nobody took me seriously, no matter how
hard i tried..
ok, if i sound bitter, i'm not lol, well not really. beforehand my GP's just
diagnosed me with simple depression and tried giving me happy pills which
didn't cure society's attitudes towards my disfigurement/speech and get to the
roots of my personal angst. i finally ended up diagnosing it myself, by chance
from http://www.Bullyline.org. a link i clicked on 'bullying because of facial
disfigurement' on the site also linked me to the 'cptsd' page. since i've found
out about my cptsd, all i feel now these days is anger. and the sense of
injustice i'm now feeling is very overwhelming, in fact it's quite liberating
(called the enlightenment stage of cptsd). i still feel so exhausted though but
the paranoia and nervousness has practically gone. i'm a little more
self-assertive than i was and i'll stand up to just about anyone now. the GP
agreed with me on that at least and i've now just been referred to a councillor
who deals with cptsd. hopefully i'm on the road to recovery, but it's a hell of
a long way to go yet.
NAIVETY IS THE GREATEST ENEMY!
regards, baz

katz heitmann

I'm sorry well pills won't help but hurting them back I've found works very well.


I'd say you smart right you think of something to hurt them maybe tell
their girl friend you saw them with another woman or get a hold of drugs
and plant them on the person having him arrested. If you mess up enough
of these bastards the rest of them will leave you alone or you know how
to cope with the rest of them. I say get mad take no shit and no
prisoners. **** em they aren't worth it anyway.
i did eventually acquire


I don't know what to tell you about that. This stuff is real and you
wouldn't say you had it if you didn't. So forget them they aren't
helping you deal with your shit ok.


I had the same problem but I became angry and defiant. Then found out
how to hurt them back the bullies stopped after I did something to them.

katz heitmann

On the contrary my anger has helped me deal with many a tormentor and
show society why messing with me is particularly stupid.

rose marie holt

x-no-archive:yes

Do not confuse understanding, establishing and defending boundaries
(constructive) with revenge (desstructive - to you). Anger is a good
and powerful tool, but the adult in you has to figure out the
constructive ways to use it.

katz heitmann

I'd say calming music, elsolm salts and warm water to work the tension
out of your body before sleep. I've had the same problem. I don't know
whether I have what you have or traditional post traumatic because I've
had both a nasty knocking about and teasing. You are hardly a lazy
idiot just a person who foolishly expects to be treated decently by
others and never got it. Don't be so hard on yourself that is what
other people are for to beat you up and treat you like shit.

Just expect them to treat you like dirt and don't be too upset when they
do. The crap they dump on you doesn't touch what you are supposed to
be. So you aren't physically attractive so what? I can tell you are a
great person and would be a good friend. If you can forget what
everyone thinks of you then you are ok. If you can look past what you
look like and see who you are then you have won your battle. I don't
know why you were born no one does but you can find a reason for living.
And if you can learn to accept what you look like and love yourself
inspite of what everyone else thinks then you are doing better than most.

Pick something you love about yourself every day you are empathetic.
Gentle and loving. What else matters. Some people are physically
beautiful but that kind of beauty fades yet what you have never fades.
You have to have hope to see you through tommorrow. Living on a wing
and a prayer. Hoping tommorrow will be better but knowing it won't.

You've been through hell and lived. I know it's hell I'm no infant.
Those people who think teasing doesn't hurt have never lived throught it
on a daily basis like you have. They don't know what it's like to want
to kill their peers every single day.

It's like what people said to me when my brother died. I was 11 years
old my whole life was full of traditional traumas and that teasing you
endured. So I got a double dose so I should be worse off than I am but
I'm doing better.

nancy

Hi Rose Marie!

Excellent point!

Smile and there will be something to smile about!
Nancy

rose marie holt

x-no-archive:yes


Well, hi to you too! Glad you are still here.


Yeah, my shrink is pretty smart. It only took him, plus an anger
management class, a few years to get this through to me.

Marie

katz heitmann

I had a similar experience and became a practical joker to get back at
them. I like my anger if I didn't have it then who would I be?

lucas

Katz Heitmann <katz314@mindspring.com> who barracks for the Brisbane

Katz, the poster going under the name of 'peter' with an email address
of invalid@invalid.invalid....... is the original stalker that came here
harrassing everyone, and all because I post here. *It* is the reason we
have so many trolls in here.

It's name is peter mackay/mckey.

I have had a Court Order against it for stalking, and a woman in
Canberra (where it lives) currently has a Court Order against it for
stalking as well.

It is a convicted thief, a fraud, and a liar. It does not have PTSD, it
only posts here because I post here. It also supports the belief that
women and young girls are "made for men to ****/stick their ****s into
because using one for that purpose isn't going to ruin their life".
I have the post where it stated that.

TD, Nancy and most of the 'older' posters have all seen what it was
doing, and have had it killfiled.

Just thought I would warn you.


--
Peter Lucas Death smiles at us all
Brisbane All a man can do is smile back
Australia

peter

In article <Xns95A4ABB706400GoBrisbaneLions@130.133.1.4>, Lucas says...

I reject all of the above. I especially reject the accusation that I
support **** in any shape or form. I condemn **** unreservedly,
especially child ****.

Peter Lucas is beneath contempt for making these baseless allegations.

Peter