connemara

sorry we have not responded to anyone else lately, we have not really been
in a good place. we are gonna spoiler this........talk of being terminated
by a therapist, some s**c(dal thoughts, no splats

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we just found out our t is going to terminate us.......she decided we are
not doing good with her...that there is a destructive part of our
relationship with her -- as she put it -- that is damaging our progress. we
have been seeing her for three years and our littles are really attached to
her. plus it took us a long time to trust her and we will never be able to
trust anyone again.

we have some insiders who hate her, don't really know why, but they do. and
she says that is destructive and it keeps repeating and so we have to
terminate. but we have no choice or input. had a bad session monday and
when we left we figured it out and left her messages and she called tonight
and told us yes she was going to terminate us....they would offer us another
t but we can't even think of that. we are currently in the day program at
this center -- and we will probably quit it all and stop taling our meds too
and see what happens, cause no one cares anyway.

right now we feel like taking an overdose of meds and hoping we never wake
up -- not that it would affecy her -- since it would be our choice, as she
told us. it would make us feel better and take away all the pain we have
been feeling for so long....and all the pain she added tonight. we really
want to die.....then she would be able to properly terminate us.....we would
be terminated.

sorry for writing her but most of our friends don't like to be called at
this hour and bothered, so we had no one to talk to about this now and we
needed to write or talk to someone, we are falling apart right now and we
don't know if we will make it till monday night's meeting with her.....hell
we don't know if we will make it till tomorrow morning.

and why should we..................................

mischa bach

for what it's worth, we're thinking your t isn't behaving ethical okay at
all. we think it's sorta normal that not all folks in a multiple bunch will
think a t the others or even most might be working with very well is the best
of all t's. and we also believe it's very much okay for folks in a multiple
bunch not to like the t the ohers are working with or even hate the person -
I mean, there tend to be more people who might wanna work with a t anyway, so
what's the problem? we never had a t everybody in this bunch wanted to work
with. and if such a thing, if somebody not liking the t gets in the way,
well, then that's just another issue to work on with the t but sure no reason
to terminate, esp. not to terminate without talking it through with the
client first and trying every other possible route.

as for the "who cares" ... well, okay, we haven't been writing to each other
in a long time. we have been weird or at least sorta eclectic/rare
correspondents with most people for months now (too much to do, too busy with
our own stuff which includes spending hours and hours writing on the computer
jobwise, etc.). yet we care. and we are sure there'll be plenty more who care
on asd. also, from our pov you've come too far to give in now.

that's at least what we think. we're sorry the t is hurting you in such a
way. this aint fair. but please don't give up, okay?

mischa's chaos

ravensong397

hi michelle & the rest,
we'll see you below the spoiler...


we are very sorry about this...one thing i realized after i lost my last
ther*pist was that i gave him way to much power. it makes me feel icky to
think about it now. we still don't trust enough to go to anyone for therapy,
but we do trust for small things.


well pardon our saying so, but that's a really crappy way to do it. i mean,
she could at least bring you in for a final session...sounds more and more like
my t, who was hiding the fact that he wanted to terminate us, until we
confronted him about it.

fwiw, maybe she simply is not capable of handling the issues that the insiders
that hate her present. could be that they are causing you some of your biggest
trouble these days, and she wants to see you get the help you need.

i know how that feels, when the one person you trust lets you down. i've been
there so many times i have nobody left. but maybe, just maybe, she is doing
this -because- she cares for you...did you ever consider that? i don't want to
minimize the pain you feel, 'cause i know how bad it hurts right now. but
maybe part of why you've been having so much trouble is the one inside who your
ther*pist can't reach.

*shrug* it's just a thought.


s*icides always affect anyone who's been close. and sometimes they even affect
strangers. you know that. she was just reminding you that it -is- a choice.
that you can choose to try and get through this or you can choose to turn your
back on it and off yourself.

we're sorry you're feeling so bad. sorry you're going through such a bad
spell. we've been there many times, and we know how awful it is.

take good care of yourselves,
diane, and others of Ravensong

*************************************
In black, there are all colors,
Where darkness, always the light,
Iridescent the raven's wing in sunlight.

-- Brooke Medicine Eagle

rainstar

Just wanted to say that you're in our thoughts as well. We care and are
glad that you posted here instead of just holding it all inside.

*hugs* if ok. If not, that's cool.

Val for Rainstar

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phoenix8

hi michelle,

i was passing by, i do it from time to time.
i am sorry to read and i understand how stressful it might be, but maybe it
will bring you in another position, sometimes to change t can bring positive
with it.

please think about it and take care ok?

phoenix

--
..
"Connemara" <justice_for_derry@spam.medscape.com> a écrit dans le message de
news: AENcb.7808$oj6.399@newssvr32.news.prodigy.com...


terminated

we

to

to

and

tonight

another


too

would


her.....hell

connemara

wie geht's mischa?

that's as much german as i remember at the momemt without thinking!

we had an email from the day program therapist today telling us that if keri
(the one who is terminating us) did not feel she could work with us, we were
better off without her. try telling that to the little kids inside who have
been crying and ****ing their thumb and all sorts of things.

we are decompensating as we speak.....and i am not sure what to do. i can't
think straight, have no interest in food (have not eaten since before we
spoke with keri last night -- over 24 hours), did not take my morning meds,
stayed in bed from 10:30 ish last night until 5:30 - 6:00 pm tonight and
then only got up cause a friend called to see if we wanted to go do
something--and we reminded him we needed to study for our test in the
morning (we are taking a course in psychosocial rehabilitation -- part of a
curriculum toward being certified as a peer counselor) and he laughed cause
he is in the class and needs to study too. we can't concentate to study.
we watched a little bit of news and a 1/2 hour comedy on tv and that's all.

the t is offering to give us sessions to deal with the termination, like
that is worth it.....some of us are so angry. we have a few new scratches,
not deep enough to be cuts, on our chest that bled last night.......slept
with the knife under our pillow. we are just a jumble of feelings and
tears.

we know there are people here who care.....but sometimes this isn't enough,
we need people close that care. we need family that cares and understands
our illness, but they don't. in a way the t does and in a way she doesn't.
the thing is no one at the clinic we go to is trained to deal with DID, and
we can't afford to go elsewhere because we can't afford to pay for private
therapy. so we had a trauma based therapist -- and she agreed we had
others -- but the different feelings of the others could not be dealt with.

they really wanted uss to take a DBT course that they are starting, which we
have heard so many negative things about from others, and read some bad
things aboutm that we can't do it, and we think this is punishment for that.
and even if we did take it, we would lose the therapist, cause the dbt folks
would not want another t involved in our treatment. dbt harmed songbirds
and others we used to know. and we cannot make a commitment to something
for a year when my mom is getting radiation and chemotherapy treatment!! i
can't do it. but of course they don't care about us anyway.

we are trying to hold on. mark -- our friend from class -- told us not to
make any rash decisions and call him if we needed to do so. we just don't
know what to do....nothing seems to soothe us now, nohing helps, not music,
not meditations, not tv, not anything. we are afraid we will flunk the test
tomorrow, because we can't concentrate.

thanks for answering. we really appreciate it, it was nice to know someone
cares..........even if you are 1,000s of miles away! btw, how is your
painting coming?
all of us

connemara

are> >not doing good with her...that there is a destructive part of our>

we> >have been seeing her for three years and our littles are really
attached to> >her. plus it took us a long time to trust her and we will
never be able to> >trust anyone again.


ther*pist was that i gave him way to much power. it makes me feel icky to >
think about it now. we still don't trust enough to go to anyone for
therapy, > but we do trust for small things.

we don't know what we did. some of us need keri, some don't. the littles
used her as the surogate parent we never had. we don't know if we will ever
trust anyone again like that. of course, they want us to take DBT which
they are starting because they think we need it and it is the "new culture"
of the center -- they are supposed to be implementing it in the day program
too. we hate dbt and do not trust it -- since we know people who were harmed by it.


and> >she says that is destructive and it keeps repeating and so we have to>


tonight> >and told us yes she was going to terminate us....


mean,> she could at least bring you in for a final session...sounds more and
more like > my t, who was hiding the fact that he wanted to terminate us,
until we > confronted him about it.

well, she is meeting with us. i will give her that. we had figured it out
and left a message saying if monday was goiung to be a termination session
we needed to know in advance so we could steel all our emotions before we
came, because otherwise we would fall completely apart there. so she
responded to tell us, unfortunately, we couldn't handle finding out and we
were very badlu hurt to know she could do this and claim she felt it was in
our best interest, without asking us what we felt.

insiders> that hate her present. could be that they are causing you some of
your biggest> trouble these days, and she wants to see you get the help you need.

would be nice if she asked us what we thought? would be nice if she
discussed it with all of us. if she let us work through it some instead of
dropping this little bomb when we were already decompensating. if she wants
us to die she picked a great time to tell us.


at> >this center -- and we will probably quit it all and stop taling our
meds too> >and see what happens, cause no one cares anyway.


been> there so many times i have nobody left. but maybe, just maybe, she is
doing> this -because- she cares for you...did you ever consider that? i don't want to

but> maybe part of why you've been having so much trouble is the one inside
who your> ther*pist can't reach.

she never discussed it with us, that was wrong. she discussed it with our
day therapist for goddess's sake...... yeah we confronted her in email and
she admitted it. but not with us!! how can that be in our best interest?
she doesn't care....she says she thought about it for a long time.....yeah
long enough to ask her bitch of a boss--who has had it in for me for two
years--since an incident that occurred right after i had overdosed on ambien
right when keri came back from a 12 week maternity leave where the
replacement therapist miseed 3 of 11 sessions! (3 of the first 5 weeks!)
the whole thing was a cry for help.....but i was made out to be noncompliant
worthless and more and the boss has been after me ever since.

no matter what her motives, she has done it in a non-professional way and
deserves in my mind to be reported to the state board of professional
regulation along with the bitchy boss.


wake> >up -- not that it would affecy her -- since it would be our choice,
as she> >told us.


affect> strangers. you know that. she was just reminding you that it -is-
a choice. > that you can choose to try and get through this or you can
choose to turn your> back on it and off yourself.

NO, SHE SAID IT WOULD NOT AFFECT HER AT ALL.


really> >want to die.....then she would be able to properly terminate
us.....we would> >be terminated.


spell. we've been there many times, and we know how awful it is.


we have some new deep scratches on our chest, we haven't eaten and we don't
care what happens to us, we wish we would die.......but we don't have the
guts to end it, because we are such babies, we can't even do that. we have
no strenth or enetgy to do anything, we are worthless people anyway.

thanks for caring......say a couple extra prayers to the goddess for
us.......might help. hey, we are supposed to present samhain to the
spirituality group at the day program if we make it that far........or stay
in the program
all of us

connemara

thanks, val, we need all the help we can get.
all of us

connemara

reply p/e

thanks, friend.

we are not in a place where we can see this as good. trust is a big issue
with us and to have someone we trusted -- who said she would not abandon us
and would be there to help us -- do just the opposite-- makes it impossible
for us to think about trusting someone again. we don't build trust easily
and to get to a point where we could work with another therapist would take
far too long to make it worth us paying to see one, because she has
destroyed our ability to trust anyone ever again.

we are glad you came by here. we could not post this messafe over at asarm
because of the negative comments we would get because of what was written.
we have to be very careful what we say, so we have started posting here more
often and only posting at the other group if what we say has no emotions in
it.

hope you are doing well.

take care,
all of us

phoenix8

"Connemara" <justice_for_derry@spam.medscape.com> a écrit dans le message de
news: oe6db.6686$oU1.492@newssvr33.news.prodigy.com...


michelle,

i can understand you, trust is also a very big issue for me and right now i
am in heavy pains because someone i care, love and trust hurted me more then
he could think he did only because i pissed him off a little.
but i am feeling that pain, working on it and trying to understand where do
i got it.
i am growing throught it slowly.

but what i want to tell you with it is that trust is first of all within
yourself; it's not something in the air, it is something very powerful, did
you ever felt it? did you ever sit quietly and felt how far you are able to
trust yourself?
you have many dimensions, levels you can use to search it, it doesn't need
to be in the basic "human" one, but trying some research might be surprising
to you.
explore yourself first michelle, built tools to trust yourself first of all,
others are so difficult and complicated to reach, feel, trust. there is also
such a wide range of feelings, expressions and needs that creates such
diversities and difficulties, each of them can be stumble upon as a trust
issue.

i see it also, with my friend here, i helped as much as i can, but he is
using it partly to create some emotional blackmail and even if he sometimes
seize what is going on and the patterns he is still using and not wanting to
see others or work on it, i might very well send him away, he will ressent
it as abandon, but yet after two years, i will say that *he abandoned
himself.

just to tell you, that maybe this is an occasion for you to see where you
abandoned yourself, look at it and try to find the tears and free yourself
of it, use your cleverness to allow the emotions to came up in safe ways,
give yourself a chance to move and change. i know it is hard, believe me i
am close to facing one the most difficult period of my life and i am not
sure that i will have the strenght to "make it".
the deep inside isolation makes it also more heavy, i, until now relied on
spirits who were giving me what i needed: gentleness, love and caring and
the human being who offered me this presence seems to be calling them back.
my mind tells me there are roads that has to be make in total solitude and
yet shit i am tired of this and really loved the presence and the support.
but those were gifts, maybe they know belong to me now ?

you see, i am quite confused, very indeed.
i mostly live in a spirits and emotional worlds, yet i manage to take care
of my physical life and needs and assume a job, i have to learn to go to
more worlds than the emotional and the spiritual ones, and i was feeling so
safe there i do not want it, i want to remain where i was, but i also know i
can't

i understand the difficulties and the pains, please do not reject everything
in a blank way, try other paths, try other visions.

i wish you strenght, you seem to be also at a crossing road, do your best
michelle, it is an opportunity for change, and if you don't manage this
time, there will be later other crossing roads again and again for you
until you take the roads you need.

phoenix