liberty belle

Jane,

I have the same feelings about my "best friend" who was SO MUCH MORE
than "just a friend". I stayed hom the last day she was lucid because it
was a holiday and I figured she's have lots of other visitors. I had also
been having a hard time, knowing I was losing her and not being able to do
anything about it. She hurt so badly I could not hold her at all the last
few weeks. All I could do was sit and hold her hand. I was upset and
crying. I told her I was scared that I was losing her. (No one expected
her to die - even the doctors up to the last three days.) She kept telling
me she would be fine, but my being upset upset her. So, the next day, I
stayed home. I was exhausted, having been at the hospital nearly nonstop
since she had gone in a month before.

When I got to the hospital the next day, she was quiet and
uncooperative. Turns out, she was losing her grip on reality (something the
Drs had been expecting all along). I slept overnight w/ her in her room,
but she never regained any conciousness. The next day they moved her to ICU
and a few days later she died. The hardest thing I ahve ever done in my
entire life was to sign the DNR. (While she had been married 25 years, she
trusted me as her medical proxy. Ours was WAY more than "friendship". We
used to say "one heart, one mind, two bodies".)

I am told I have less right to grieve than "family". Her mother and
sister measure who is permitted what level of pain by the number of years
they "had" her. Jewish tradition allows only "immediate family" to be
counted as "mourners". But she was closer to her sister-in-law and to me
than she ever was her "blood" sister. We were closer than any two people
you ever met in your life - twins, married people...ANY two people! We knew
even when 500+ miles apart when the other was in trouble and would pick up
the phone and call.

Right now, I am struggling because I quit a good job and moved 500+
miles to be closer to her. I quit the job I had gotten here when she went
into the hospital to care for her. So, here I am...500+ plus miles from
people I have known, unemployed and basically alone - with her family as my
"friends". I am working on figuring out my next move...


Liberty

tea

Well, tell her family to shut the **** up. Friends are allowed to grieve in
Jewish tradition- they are just not 'official' mourners, who are bound by
Jewish law to ritually mourn a certain number of days and follow certain
rituals.
David mourned Jonathan. No doubt Ruth eventually mourned Naomi. So **** the relatives.

You have my thoughts, hon. I refuse to leave the East Coast because my best
friend lives here, and I want to be nearby if she needs me, since she has
health problems. Find out if you can move back, or find other people to give
you emotional support. You don't need these idiots.