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1 9th June 17:19
bear
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Posts: 1
Default OT: assorted jokes and quotes for a Monday (aspirin gray down hunter heart)


I've been rather slacking off for the last few months on the humor
posts, so decided to toss up all the good ones I had in my e-mail
folder in one post. As always these are posted with the intent of
spreading smiles, not hurt, so please, if you find one that could be
taken 2 ways, one way to offend you the other way to make you laugh,
please take it the way that makes you laugh as that is how it was
meant to be taken in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It is in the expectations of happiness that much of happiness itself
is found. And it takes courage to expect happiness." - Earl
Nightingale

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear
shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU MORON!! It's two o'clock in the morning!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy
down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday
school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be
the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday,
which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the
baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way
home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with
the youth minister.

The little boy answered, "Its all a racket, They get you there and let
you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get
you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++

"The difference between genius and stupidity is, genius has its
limits."
- Author Unknown

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++

A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. The
saloon owner advised him, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to
town, drop everything and run for your life."

The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a
cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get
out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the
bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy
beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a
buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off
of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into
the corner.

"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of
his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the
man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged
the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man
wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.

"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++

As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in
his mission.

He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to
his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the
boss."

He received the following fax from his secretary:

"The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young
daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast
suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father
like that!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot
on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never
the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',
ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interests
kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make
beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age,
and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your
youth....Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or
leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh! at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper, but it's really worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft........Today, it's called Golf.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.

"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++

In Tasmania a just-widowed Stella Serth was fined three hundred
dollars for disorderly conduct because she danced on her husband's
grave singing, "Who's Sorry Now?"

Quoted from the book, "Dumb Dumber and Dumbest".

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies.
The machines' conveyor belts needed tal*** powder to prevent them from
sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise induced
tension headaches.

I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four
cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind
me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and
exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

"To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going
fishing."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

One day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a
bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing
hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of
his pants.

"You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed
the sarge.

A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember,
Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."

The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit.
"My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in
shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,'
and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'You're putting me on!!! What happened
next?'"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was
astounded to see a man come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What just happened?" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen,
his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his
chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with
the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees,
opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear
some religion!"

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced
around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank
you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive..."

================================================== ====

Have a GREAT, PAIN-FREE day......and keep Smiling.

Bear
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