Mombu the Medicine Forum sponsored links

Go Back   Mombu the Medicine Forum > Medicine > OT Humor "CAT User's Manual" (scratching)
User Name
Password
REGISTER NOW! Mark Forums Read

sponsored links


Reply
 
1 10th December 09:16
cat
External User
 
Posts: 1
Default OT Humor "CAT User's Manual" (scratching)


CAT User's Manual

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Do***entation:

Features:
User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning


Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM
programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this
period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between
individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's
quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage
rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import
restrictions.

Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or
damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that
all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look
for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT
production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT
to operation in an environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance).
Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation
case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by
displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input
bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity)
and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output
bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or
two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU
system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours,
the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may
often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements
are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes
after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the
site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with
pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with
untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT
units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors
are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you
decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system
address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until
the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to
bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret
password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the
system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will
abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the
user.

Applications:
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few
productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game
playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system
timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the
better CAT games are:

CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object
code must be smaller.

MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself.
Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

STRING
The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of
operation.

CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one
is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance:
CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are
self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit
with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician)
for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user
serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it
should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are
plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by
removing an internal part.

Caution:
CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain do***ented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or
obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense
mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin
D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid
electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above
water. This may lead to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by
its "tail".

Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The
CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is
defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such
as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service.
Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra
capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups:
CAT users can find other users on the msn group called The Scratching Post.

Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are
included.

Specifications:
Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the
industry). Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user
friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon
now. Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are
common).

Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables. Speed 3 milliseconds
search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology. Color Graphics
Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of
16 million colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels. Sound Chip 16
octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU). Power Consumption 250 grams protein
daily (2 micrograms per second.) Operating Range -30 to +45 deg C (-22 to
105 degF) Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
  Reply With Quote


  sponsored links


2 10th December 09:17
cat
External User
 
Posts: 1
Default OT Humor "CAT User's Manual" (scratching)


CAT User's Manual

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Do***entation:

Features:
User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning


Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM
programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this
period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between
individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's
quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage
rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import
restrictions.

Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or
damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that
all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look
for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT
production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT
to operation in an environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance).
Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation
case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by
displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input
bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity)
and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output
bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or
two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU
system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours,
the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may
often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements
are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes
after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the
site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with
pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with
untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT
units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors
are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you
decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system
address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until
the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to
bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret
password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the
system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will
abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the
user.

Applications:
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few
productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game
playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system
timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the
better CAT games are:

CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object
code must be smaller.

MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself.
Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

STRING
The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of
operation.

CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one
is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance:
CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are
self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit
with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician)
for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user
serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it
should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are
plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by
removing an internal part.

Caution:
CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain do***ented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or
obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense
mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin
D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid
electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above
water. This may lead to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by
its "tail".

Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The
CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is
defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such
as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service.
Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra
capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups:
CAT users can find other users on the msn group called The Scratching Post.

Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are
included.

Specifications:
Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the
industry). Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user
friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon
now. Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are
common).

Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables. Speed 3 milliseconds
search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology. Color Graphics
Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of
16 million colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels. Sound Chip 16
octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU). Power Consumption 250 grams protein
daily (2 micrograms per second.) Operating Range -30 to +45 deg C (-22 to
105 degF) Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
  Reply With Quote


  sponsored links


Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes




Copyright 2006 SmartyDevil.com - Dies Mies Jeschet Boenedoesef Douvema Enitemaus -
666