j.l. thomas

spoilered for si & non-vanilla s*x. (this is kinda long.)
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would "power-exchange" be a good way to reference **** stuff
for a spoiler warning, instead of "non-vanilla"? or is that
fairly apprehendable as-is?
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anyways, Jen wants me to top her. This is our way of doing
s.i. One of us gets ****ered into topping someone else.
hurts both parties. the tops do it cuz they feel guilty for
n....heck, we *all* do it cuz we feel guilty for not keeping
the system from getting into trouble way back when.

by that i mean mostly the childhood stuff.

jen wants to not feel guilty anymore. she gets topped, she
feels miserable and degraded n stuff, and can get
emotionally too exhausted to feel anything for awhile...
She also gets to feel understood and accepted as she (thinks
she) is. she just relaxes when we punish her, ya know?
it's sad.

so here's the thing. i don't wanna do it. i'm up - i mean,
i'm the person whose number came up this time around, you
know? i don't wanna. she's a little kid. i ain't
tormenting a lil kid. i don't care how much she wants me
to.

but how do i help her?

i mean...we figured out that we do this thing where we think
we're doing pretty well for awhile, but occasionally get
glimpses of stuff that seems not-so-good...and there's also
the ever-present s.i. stuff, u know?

it can't possibly be the same as, like, cutting n stuff. i
mean, i'm not damaging the body. (much). most of the
bad-stuff about it is in my head. but it keeps jen scared.

anyways, sorry for getting side-tracked. so i guess part of
my question is about s.i. Do i have it wrong in my mind
what it's about? i mean, is visualizing myself being
tormented, and working hard at making it seem realistic, on
par with cutting or other forms of si? i mean, i remember
another discussion abt si that seemed to be saying that
stuff like the bumps and bruises that i get more of than
most ppl seem to, and stuff like me chewing my cuticles to
bits and picking sc*bs sometimes or whatever, that that's
si, too. yes? no?

it's been explained to me that part of si is the feeling of
release. i get that in what i do, in a very real and direct
way. i mean, i read romance novels. "release" is *exactly*
what i get. and we can switch to someone else and get it
again a minute or so later. and then again. and again.

i've been working for half a decade on trying to be able to
enjoy vanilla-esque s*x (it begs the question of whether
oral s*x counts as vanilla, u know?) without doing these
horrible images in my head. i've had some limited success,
to date. but still...nothing gets me off like imagining
being sp*nked. or having my mouth washed out with soap. or
standing in the corner. preferably all three.

do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

i feel engulfed by shame that what gets me off the most, and
the easiest, are thoughts of being punished.

and that, of course, has become part of the si: the fact
that i hate it so much. i clearly remember an incident of
being topped (by myself) shortly after figuring out i was
multiple a couple of years ago where what i forced myself to
get off to was the image of what i looked like (i had some
******* gear on and was in an "ignominous" position at the
time...and i consider my body to be disgusting anyway). it
was incredibly painful. i mean, the whole scene was
incredibly painful. feeling the hate from the part doing
the topping was like black acid on my soul, and seeing the
image of me thru his eyes was horrible, and the feelings
from the physical stuff that wasn't directly related to
"pleasure" was awful...and i *got off* on that! because i
ordered myself to!

oh, got it. the fact that i'm flagellating myself by
talking about this is Jen's way of getting what she wants
out of me indirectly. nice one, Jen. see, i'm the one who
did the topping that time. jen was the bottom.

the theory goes that what i should do is comfort jen and be
nice to her n stuff n make sure she knows she's safe or what
ever, but it's like...why me? i don't go in for that sh*t.
why can't somebody else do it? (cuz you *did* used to hate
her.) yeah? so'd you. (yeah, but i comfort her now.) not
enough, obviously. (lance, why you fighting this?) ...
(oh, it's cuz it hurts so much seeing jen as a terrified
little kid, huh?) ... (lance, it's ok. you didn't know
she was little. and even if you did, she still *did* need
it, then. you did what she needed you to do, and thus what
the system needed. it's ok, lance. you did good.
....almost *too* good, but... No, serious. you're damned
good at your job, lance. let it go. and comfort Jen, k?)

well, there's the other thing. the other reason my number's
up for this one is cuz what jen's saying she needs is for
someone to meet her on "her" level, and work with her there
to bring her up some, u know? like, i treat her like sh*t
so she knows that i "know" and "accept" that that's the way
she's "supposed" to be treated, then i start leading her to
the "real" truth, because i'll be in a position of (supreme)
authority, and i can "make" her believe me.

(um, that actually works for us. it's sorta a "lead the
horse to water, push its face in it a couple of times, then
wait for it to drink" sorta thing. cuz we kinda can't be
"forced" into anything? we sorta hafta be topped in ways
that we can understand? i mean, we need to know what rules
are in effect, u know? so being topped without rules, or
with rules that change without warning is truly t*rturous
for us...but being topped with clearly defined rules feels
almost heavenly to jen. it's like she says "do anything you
want to me, make me do anything, just keep making it make
sense to me.")

(i mean, if anyone scares Jen badly enough (this merely
requires the intention of doing so, mind you. it's *not*
difficult at *ALL*.) she'll do anything, u know?
....hmm...*thinks about that a bit...) yeah, that's true.
it's just that there's just NOT anybody who really has much
intention of doing that, so it kinda feels like maybe it's
*not* all that easy. it's still ridiculously easy.
just...nobody really wants to. so nobody does. and for
this we are GRATEFUL!)

(so anyways, *that* kind of topping is t*rture, and is
different from si for us. so if we have the si kinda
situation, where jen gets to have rules that make her feel
safe, (and so how is that injurious? oh, yeah, cuz it
hurts, and keeps her scared) then jen does the math on
whatever i make her "believe" or "accept", u know? so she
actually *does* get to reason out for herself whatever it is
i'm trying to teach her, so she *can* make progress that
way, u know?)

(besides, sometimes it seems like i can't get at
emotion-laden issues without the equivalent of a couple of
sticks of dynamite being lit off in my mind (sub-tl-ty is
lost on me), so sometimes giving Jen what she thinks she
wants sets off that dynamite and she can cry for awhile,
which is what's *really* needed, u know?)

so anyways...not sure where i was b4 the long
parantheticals, there, but the other thing i wanted to say
was that, like, Jen spent some time pretending to be dyenths
in puppy mode today, essentially laying (the head) on
someone's feet and occasionally getting petted. this person
has warm hands and a warm heart, and at one point dyenths
kinda *was* out, and enjoying the pettings, and pulled the
hand over so that it was resting alongside my cheek, u know?
cupping my cheek? and was warm and good-feeling...

....and she just sat there like that, laying flat-out on the
floor, except for the arms holding the head up a bit, face
turned up, with a warm and caring hand cupping my
cheek...and took a couple of breaths like that...and the
tears started up from the ache in my chest.

like...that's what we need, u know? that person didn't
*know* that jen was prostrating herself at hir feet, but
that's what jen had been doing. and asking for the caring
touch, u know, was like...dyenths saying "please tell jen
it's ok, ok?" and sie did, and kept giving what i'd asked
for until the warmth got all the way down to where jen was,
inside, and made it ok to cry bout whatever hurt so much.

so there it is...my problems in a nutshell. jen wants me to
top her so she can heal or something, but that sounds
twisted and wrong to me. isn't there a better way???

lance, fer jt


--
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent
people and the affection of children. To leave the world a
bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a
redeemed social condition. To know that even one life has
breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have
succeeded." - Author Unknown