nichols82

Hey guys and gals! I had an episode that lasted for a few hours last
night because i don't even remeber how it started. Well i am on no meds
right now becasue of the pregnancy so it makes it very difficult. Well
last night i remember that my husband wanted to go out and every time
that he does i always catch him daning with someone else or talking to
other females so i didn't want him to go out and i think that if i have
to sit home and be prego why should he go out. i don't think that is
fair. Or possibly i think that i might have this delusional jelousy
thing going on too. Well anyways i told him that if he goes out he
better not be sleeping in my bed or bring a woman home and then he told
me that he would do what ever he wanted in my bed. So then i flew off
the handle. i started yellling at him and he wanted to leave and i
would let him and he bumped my stomache so i hit him in his face. Then
he continued to yell at me calling my names like tramp, retarded,
crazy, psycho any name that he could thing of so he got me raging even
more and then i told him that he hasn't felt the rath of me yet and
then i tried to bust down the door to get to him and then he called the
cops and then i left and went for a drive. After and an hour and a
half of driving and ditching every cop that i seen cause i thought they
were going to pull me over i came home. I told him that he and i will
never work casue he don't understand me and he never will casue he
won't take the time to reaserch this disorder (hell that i am living
in). He said that he has. Well if he has he would know what to say and
what not to say to me if i am thinking clearly wich half the time i
don't even know if i am or not. Well when i got home i posted a
message to another group then started balling for about an hour then
decided to leave i didn't care if i had no where to go or not i was
going to slleep in my car. I feel like i don't even want to be around
people becasue they say that they understand how i feel but they don't
and i can't stand it. Well i ended up sleeping on my moms couch last
night and then came home this morning.

When i was writing this i had kinda realized that my anger was as bad
before becuase i used to SI or do the pill thing and now that i am
prego i resort to anger or i will just start throwing things around in
my house. It seems like i get my episodes every 2 weeks. It is taring
up my marrage. Hubby told me yesterday that he was gettign a divorce
and i do care but on the other i could careless. I am just so tired of
it all. Ok i am gonna stop here casue i could keep going on and on and
on.

Your post sounds so familiar , I understand how truely frustrating your
situation is.

My significant other , was made aware of my disorders way before we
moved into together. I have given him information to help him deal with
a partner with bpd , instead of educating himself he would much rather
get me going so he can point the finger and call me names. Why wouldnt
he, isnt it so much easier to point the finger instead of lookin at
yourself. Thats what I say to him sometimes, when he is quick to judge
me instead of find compassion for me , it should be easy right. How
confusing this is when you know you have this confusing and awful
disorder, you are aware that your behavior ****s at times. All you
crave is some compassion and understanding, yet how difficult to
embrace when given to you. I have been where you are being pregnant and
now treatment and oin top of that all theses other hormonal problems
flying about !

You came here to vent that says something about you, what it tells me
is that you are trying to be better, thats all one can ask of you.
Try not to be to hard on yourself, I know it is not easy, you are doing
just fine BPD doesnt go away overnight Im sure it didnt happen over
night.

Am-Elizabeth

minosagape

X-No-Archive:yes

some compassion and patience. I hope you read this sometime and post as to
how you are doing.

I don't have a significant other but I transfer all types of emotions onto
my therapist. He's been the recipient of anger that has risen to the level
of cruelty. I don't know where it comes from or how I can be so mean when my
brain believes that people ought to be guided by compassion. I hate that
person who can be so mean and hateful. My mother, who is alive at age 77,
can be very mean to her two grown children, but then her father was mean to
her, her siblings and her mother. I'm not saying anger genetic--and my
relatives don't suffer from BPD. Since my therapist is the only person I'm
close to, he receives my authentic, unchecked (at times) emotions. I'm
consciously making an effort to discuss my feelings of upset rather than
simply dumping on him. I'm also realizing that the things he might do or say
which prompt my onslaught my be said or done in my best interest or at a
minimum not meant to be hurtful, as I mean believe. I'm working hardest on
not reacting in anger like a knee jerk, but thinking about the possible
legitimacy of what would normally incite my anger. I'm trying just to let go
of my anger. I'm afraid of my mother, particularly when she's mean or angry.
I don't want anyone to be afraid of me. I'm trying to be thoughtful. It's
very difficult. Simply having been dealt a BPD hand is enough to make me
angry, sad and bitter.