daffman

Hi Everyone,
Just a question, does someone sleeping alot, stress alot, mean that they are
getting ready to pass away. This past week, pat has been sleeping more and
more and frankly it is scaring the hell out of me. it takes everything he
has to sit up in bed and eat a bowl of cereal. I don't know what to do but
give him meds and hugs and tell him I love him every moment of the day. I
don't think he will be here with me much longer...I look at him and want to
cry. Pat went from sleeping less than an hour a night because of anxiety to
sleeping 16 hours a day in 4-5 hour stretches. What the hell do I do when
he passes away? I am not sure that I will make this transition very well.
I just want to cry.
Salisha

j

Hi Salisha,

Sadly yes, sleeping a lot is a sign of near the end. I wish I could tell you
it's not so. I wish it wasn't so.

I haven't posted this for you nor Pat before, but many of the changes you'll see
are mentioned here
I'll just copy the part about sleeping but have a look at the rest.
http://crossingthecreek.com/guts.htm
Sleep/dream patterns

Sleep and dreaming are very important parts of the dying process. Patients
sometimes complain about how much time they spend sleeping and comment that they
feel like they are wasting what little time they have left. This could not be
further from the truth. Much of the necessary work of the dying process takes
place during a sleep/dream state. This is not wasted time at all, it is vitally
important

The purpose of sleep

The work of dying process has to do with resolving all the unresolved issues of
one’s lifetime. This is a huge job and requires considerable effort. It is very
important work because death is a transition that prepares us for the next phase
of life. It is not smart to enter the next phase of life loaded down with a
bunch of unresolved junk from the last phase. Dying process prepares us for the
next phase by helping to resolve all of our old junk. This resolutional work can
be broken down into different categories, but suffice to say it is a huge task.

The sleep/dream state is very useful in accomplishing these tasks because it
gets around the limitations of time and space. It is much easier and more
effective to review an unresolved episode in one’s lifetime (which may have
occurred several decades previous) while in a dream state than in a waking
state. In the sleep/dream state, one can accomplish a virtual return to the time
and place in question.

Ordinarily, we suppose that time travel occurs only in science fiction movies.
Not so. The minds of dying people move around in time and space as a matter of
routine. Dying process utilizes this capability in order to accomplish its
larger goal; to prepare us for the next phase of life.

Interestingly, the normal sleeping pattern during the dying process is virtually
identical to the normal sleeping pattern of newborns; off & on around the clock.
There is no night or day for newborns or dying people, just dozing off & on, day
& night. Sleeping pills seldom have much effect on this pattern since during
this phase, this pattern is the norm.

On the whole, total sleep time increases. This gives the patient time to get
his/her work done. The nature of that work may or may not be recalled by the
patient while awake. Then too, the patient might not be willing to share this
information as it may be very personal.

Whether the patient is able to remember the content of his/her dreams or is
willing to share them with others is really not important. What is important is
that the work of review and resolution get done. Whether or not this is being
accomplished can generally be surmised by observing the patient’s overall
progress; whether s/he seems to be moving toward a more serene state of mind or
is staying stuck in negativity.

Even patients who claim not to remember the content of their dreams will usually
reminisce about their lives when they are awake, especially upon first
awakening. Virtually everyone who goes through a dying process reminisces about
the important events and people in their life. These reminiscences can be
important clues as to what is going on in the dreams s/he may not remember (or
wish to share.)[]

Be careful when feeding him, his swallowing might not work properly and some of
it could go in his lungs and choke him especially if he eats or drinks and then
lies back down immediately and don't force him to eat if he doesn't care to.

I'm not sure what you mean by "stress" but it might be explained in the above
under "Confusion - Disorientation"

As much as you may not to, I feel it's important that you read through the whole
text so you can understand what Pat is going through. You may wish to have
others close by with you from hereon in or you may wish privacy between you and
Pat. At some point, if he seems to be struggling, it could be time to tell him
"it's okay Pat, it's okay to let go" (you giving him permission to not fight it
to stay with you, but to let go.

When he passes away, you'll call his doctor. You'll cry, you'll post here and
stay with us as long as you need to, okay?
You will get through this for Pat. We'll be here, anytime, every step of the
way, if you need us or if you just need to vent or share your thoughts.

Hugs
J

alayne

I am sorry to read this Salisha, and believe me I so feel for you right now.

You are doing everything that you can be doing right now, it takes a lot of
courage to see this sort of illness through and you are so being there for
Pat.

Try to think of his passing as more of a relief for him from his struggles,
he will be at peace and no longer fighting. It is so tough to take for a
partner and yes you will be so gutted, but a part of you may also be
relieved too, and you will get through it Salisha although you may not think
so right now. Sometimes our fear of what will be, is greater than the
reality.

If you want to cry girl, then cry and cry bucket fulls.

I am here for you at any time as and when you need me.

Alayne

p.s. I am crying too...

alayne

Had a thought. Have you tried looking at the web-site crossing the creek?
I found reading it quite useful in that it some how prepared me what to
expect/look out for, sometimes the more information that you can gather the
less anxious you will feel. It is a very hard topic and one that we all
hate to have to face and I so feel for you Salisha going through this right
now.

I mentioned earlier about trying to think of Pat's dying as a release for
him. I can honestly say that when I visited Tony at the Funeral Directors,
I have never seen him looking so calm and peaceful, it was because all of
his anxieties/fears/suffering were over and he was finally free. It went a
little way to help me with my grief.

Tony was unconcious for about the last 4 days of his life but it still gave
me the chance to say all the things that I needed to. I gather that the
hearing is one of the last functions to go so although he may not
communicate back, I am sure that he hears all that you say.

Of course all his sleeping could simply be him catching up on all the sleep
that he has been avoiding.

Take care hon.

Alayne

daffman

HI Alayne,
Thanks. Pat still has conscious hours. Actually, he was up on the comp
this morning doing whatever between the PC and the laptop. Hi sleeping
patterns are increasing though and the past couple of days scared me. As
for the crossing ht creek sight, J recomended it and I did check it out. It
is much the same as the information that I got while pat was in the
Palliative care unit at the Hospital. We had found some great books full of
information. I am not sure what to think. He is sleeping more, and part of
me hopes it is him catching up on missed sleep, and the other part of me
thinks it is the other. Thanks for the support, I know it is probably just
as hard for you hearing this again because Tony's passing was so recent. I
truly appreciate all of the support you are giving, and all of the support
from everyone else on this sight. I am just running on adreneline and when
it runs out, I am not sure how much will be left. I hope, everyday, that it
will last long enough to see Pat through this ordeal.
Pat is still coherent, when the time comes to administer a medication called
Veriset (spelling?) He will have to be hospitalized. Extramural hospital
program does not have a protocol for it and it is to help him through the
last days without too much struggle. It keeps him in a semiconcious state
kind of like a twilight sleep. THat was he won't struggle to breathe. I
am not sure when that time will come, anly Pat knows that answer. I just
wish there was more I could do.
Salisha

alayne

strength comes from but it comes and carries on doing so all the time that
you need it, I think "inner strength" would probably be a better name for
it, and I get the feeling that you have plenty enough of that Salisha.

I think that you just get so focused on what is occuring and caring, but it
will still do you some good to take time out occasionally, and momentarily
charge up those batteries.

Try not to think too far down the line Salisha, I am sure that you will have
the strength to face whatever comes and Pat is so lucky to have a partner
like you!!

Hugs to you both

Alayne

emily

daffman@yeah.right.com said...

I don't know what more you can do either. It seems to me that the
above is probably about as good as it gets; very few people are
privileged to be hugged all the time, after all. I think though,
that Pat surely knows how much you are hurting: he can't possibly be
ignorant of your feelings for him and the fact that he is
responsible for your hurt could be causing him more stress. However
hard it is I feel you should tell him that it's OK for him to leave
you when it's time. I'm sorry, because that isn't very comforting
and it's not what you want to hear; OTOH you've known for a while
that this time would come.

You can't possibly get through all this on your own, and no one's
expecting you to. We are here for you whenever you need us, just as
you have been here for others. Letting go is the hardest thing to
do, but it's the ultimate expression of love. Be at peace, Salisha,
and know that it's no disgrace to feel the way you do; neither is it
a sign of weakness. Take each hour as it comes, and consider
yourself blessed to have known such a loving person as Pat.

{{{{{{{{{{Salisha}}}}}}}}}}
--
Emily

lisasbucc

I cannot possibly think of any more that you could do. You are such a loving
and compassionate caregiver and I'm sure that Pat knows that he is lucky to
have you there. It's a very hard job, emotionally and physically, and you are
an inspiration in how you are holding up. I've often told my family that it
was so much easier being the patient than the loved ones.

As the others mention, I hope that you are taking a bit of refresh time for
yourself. Can you get someone to come and sit with Pat while you hit a movie?
It might be nice to get lost in a film for a couple of brief hours.

We're praying for you and Pat.

Take care.
....lisa

tanada

((((((((HUGS)))))))) Salisha. I wish I could give you answers, but I
don't know. I just know that Rob sleeps a lot more than he did before
he was diagnosed with Cancer. I understand your anxiety, I'm having the
same thoughts and fears as you are, I'm just having them a lot earlier
than I probably should.

Pam S.