di

Hey. Di here. I will be eigh**** tomorrow. I haven't posted here in a
while, even though I have pages of things to say that have happened...
some really big things have happened, actually. I won't go into all of
them, for times sake. Basically, life has been...interesting, and
shitty. Okay, so let me start out with why I am posting right now.

This weekend, I went shopping for a prom dress with my best friend and
a few of her friends. I was a little pissed about the situation because
it was originally only supposed to be the two of us going, but i dealt
with it. We went to a mall that me, her and Cal used to go to all the
time. Lets just say that the memories were overwhelming. I'm a little
depressed about the fact that the three of us dont hang out anymore, I
mean we hung out a few weeks ago... but that was different, i'll
explain that later... anyways, at one point i started crying, in the
middle of a ****ing store, i was like so close to breaking down. nobody
saw me though, so i excused myself to the bathroom, and broke down in
there.

Can you imagine how pitiful it was for a 17 yr old girl to be sobbing
inside of a stall, while scratching her leg over and over until she had
three bleeding gashes? it wasnt a pleasant time. anyways, i cleaned
myself up and rejoined the world, pretending as if it hadnt happened. i
tried on a few dresses, and found one i actually liked, which was
strange because i usually detest how i look bc i'm so fat (dont think
i'm one of those girls who thinks 10 extra pounds makes her fat and is
all worried about dieting and shit, i am actually overweight, i'm not
shallow), but i really liked this blue dress... but then i looked in
the mirror, and the first thing that popped out at me was my arm.

from my shoulder to my wrist, my left arm was marked up. it looked so
****ing ugly. and i realized that i couldnt get the dress, bc if i did
my mom would want me to try it on for her, and my arm wasnt in
parrental viewing condition. i only let jenna see me in the dress, and
she said that i was going to have to get something to cover my arms
because the scars werent going to go away by prom. ...i've been
thinking about it, and i realize now that i cant go to prom. i
mean...how ****ing bad is that, i cant go to my own ****ing senior prom
because i cant wear a dress bc of my scars. i've never been so
frustrated and angry about my self injury before. i mean, i gave up my
once favorite summer pasttime of swimming bc i didnt want anyone to see
my legs, i retired myself to wearing long sleeve shirts even wehn its
nice out... that all bothered me, but not being able to go to my own
senior prom because of this? its such a horrible feeling of...despair
and frustration and anger aimed directly at myself. i dont know what
i'm going to do.

prom last year was so much fun, and even though my boyfriend broke up
with me so i'd have to go stag this year, i have still been looking
forward to this since then. and i cant go. and no one is going to
understand why. i mean, my mother hasnt wanted me to go. she thinks
that since i'm not going with a boy i have no business there, so she
wont need any explanation, jenna wont be happy but she saw my arms so
she'll understand, the rest of my friends dont even know about me
self-injurying so i dont know how i'm going to be able to explain my
sudden change of heart. i just...i just wanted to pretend i was normal
for a while, try on dresses, talk about limos and after prom plans,
give nervous glances to guys while mentioning to your friends that you
dont have a date within their earshot, and then go to prom... normal
shit. normal things i should be able to do. ...okay, lets just say that
this final blow did not come at the best of times.

a couple weeks ago, i told jenna on aim that i missed talking with cal,
basically. she told me he was there so i shouldnt say anything. well i
guess he read it, bc the next day he IMed me, but i was away so i
called him. we just talked, it was great. i mean, there was this part
of me that was upset bc i knew the only reason he was talking to me was
bc he felt guilty for forgetting about me and us not talking at all for
like 2 weeks, but it was still great.

the next day was a really bad day, and i ended up calling him bc i
needed to talk to someone, anyone, and jenna was working. we talked
normally for like an hour and somehow we got into my 'problems' and we
talked about that for a long time. i told him like almost everything,
mostly about me throwing up. he just listened to me, talked to me
normally, it was so nice to be able to talk to someone, and he wasnt
yelling at me like last time, wasnt urging me to get help or telling me
i was going to die. i did sugarcoat a few things for him and he
acknowledged that he could tell i wasnt telling him everything. the
only time he really said anything to me was when i said that a few
times i've taken like a glass of alcohol with like 20 aspirin, and he
said that was almost like suicide and i shouldnt do that. it was nice,
just us being able to talk. later, jenna called me and her mother was
really making her upset, so the three of us went out to eat. it was
awesome.

the next day was not. i had a really bad morning, and i cut a lot while
in the shower. i accidentally left the razor blade on the shelf in the
shower. i didnt remember until my mom was taking a shower. i started
freaking out, scared to death that she saw it, that she was right then
guessing why a ****age girl would leave a straight edge razor, that was
obviously broken out of a disposable shaving razor, in the shower. i
had been in a horrible mood all day, this worrying did not help matters
at all. as soon as she got out of the shower i got the razor, notcing
it hadnt been moved, and so happy that she didnt mention it if she had
seen it. then my parents started fighting, and my mom started crying
while my father screamed at her. well it wasnt a good addition to my
really shitty day, so i just left. i grabbed my keys and just left.

i was driving, and crying at the same time and then with no other
ideas, just called Cal. i explained to him quickly what had happened,
and he asked me if i wanted to meet somewhere. i said yeah, and so he
met me in the parking lot of meijers. i wanted to cut so badly on the
way there, and while waiting for him, like i never felt so much like
cutting in my entire life...but i didnt, bc i didnt want him to show up
to find me bleeding. i got in his car and we just drove for a long time
and talked, not just about me, which made it better bc i got to learn
some things about him and some things jenna had told him and not me and
i felt more comfortable talking bc he was too. jenna had known i was in
a really bad mood and had left bc i had txted her, and she was really
worried about me, so we went and picked her up and the three of us went
to see V for Vendetta, which was a great movie.

oh...and while Jenna was getting ready, i hugged Cal and thanked him...
which doesnt seem like a lot, but i'm not comfortable with physical
contact, i dont know why i just havent been comfortable with people
touching me or touching people for a long time, so it was a big deal
for me to hug him. he hugged me back too, which i hadnt expected and
really affected me...dont ask me why i didnt expect it...

anyways, after the movie they dropped me off at my car and i still
didnt feel like going home so i sat there for a whiile, then drove to a
meijers in a different town, bought an apple and a sprite and sat in
the parking lot and ate. then i drove around, and then i went home 1.5
hours after they had dropped me off. it was a really big thing for me.

i'm so glad that i had Cal and Jenna, because honestly, i really dont
know what i would have done if i hadnt gotten ahold of someone, if Cal
hadnt reacted how he had... and that really scares me. i'm guessing
that my urge to cut would have won out, and i really dont know if i
would be here right now if it wasnt for him, and that really scares me
too. so yeah, thats been my life for the past few weeks.

okay, a lot more things happened than that, but i think i've made this
post long enough. except, well the day before i threw up, alot (ive
started up again, i had told cal i was going to stop for him...but that
didnt last too long, i just cant help it soemtimes), and then i was
brushing my teeth yesterday when i gagged and kinda burped bc i brushed
too far back on my tongue, and like my whole chest erupted in pain.
like, i was doubled over, eyes tearing bc of the pain. it was like
someone was forcing a gigantic rock through my esophagus, i could feel
this...pain searing from my throat to my stomach, all the way through
my esophagus. it really scared me. i dont know how much i should be
worried about this, i guess about as much as i should be worried about
the fact taht when i brush and put my toothbrush right at the back of
my tongue, at the beginning of my throat, it comes back with blood on
it, not a lot but any throat bleeding is too much, i think. anyways, i
have to go. still upset about not being able to go to my prom...but i
****ed myself, i guess i have to deal with it.

I wish you all strength and luck,
Di

ash

i SI and im mia so i gotcha on this really well. if your esophagus has
torn then youll know w/i about two days. if you can stop purging for
the next two days then try bc then youll know for sure if its torn.

lisa in mass.

<snipped>

could you find a long-sleeved dress, or find a nice lacy shawl
to wear with your short-sleeved dress? just a thought...

-lisa

canadagirl

Di, thank you for sharing all of that with us. Thank you for sharing
all of that with me. If you go back in our posts a few pages, maybe 2
or 3 you will see my post about 'The First Time I Cut Myself". Some
might think that could be a trigger for you, but I don't think you can
be triggered more than you are just by breathing right now.
I am 29. I coppied and pasted one portion of your post that stung me
deeply (not triggered me) because I am also the mother of an emotional
10 year old girl and I have a passionate (passionately love each other
and passionately hurt each other) relationship with her father, my
husband, and I NEVER want to be as clueless as my mother or your
mother.
You are living with and enduring pain that many of us here who are
adults into our 30's, 40's and 50's are living with. For an 18 year
old young woman, that is a magnificent burden.
You remind me of my dear friend whom I met in therapy last year and
with whom, against the therapists advice, I have remained friends with
outside of group. She is now 23. She has very visible slice scars all
up her arms. She does her best to hide them with sleeves and/or tonnes
of bracelets. She also uses tea-tree oil to whiten the scars.
We can get you to prom. Screw the mom who thinks you need a man to
belong there. This isn't the '50's. It might be pricey, but how about
a nice wrap and lots of nice bracelets of different look to dress it
up. Then wear a small, or no necklace and small or no earings. We're
talking accessorizing here!
I'm sure you have been told you can't quit puking or cutting for a guy
or for anyone except for you, but right now, do it for whoever and
whatever stops you for one more instance. The bottom line is that the
problem isn't the cutting or throwing up, it is so much more, and
possibly things you don't even think matter because you either don't
think of them or you do think of them and you think you are ok with
them.
Are you in therapy, or have you thought about it? With that said, in
my experience, I was seeking therapy since I was 15 and didn't find the
right mix of therapists and psychiatrists and meds (I need meds for my
stuff) until I was 28.
A life worth living is possible, but I will not kid you or blow smoke
up your ass and tell you that discovering that is easy or possible to
do alone when you have problems so deep. Please keep posting here. I,
for one, will read whatever you have to say, no matter how long the
post is, and you can e-mail me any time you want, and please do. Take
care!

madchatter101

hi di sorry things havent been going to well for you. sounds like you
are on a roller coaster. i also was going to ask about a long sleeve
dress? but then others migfht wonder why you are wearing long sleeves?
also a thought is maybe some kind of mnake up? i dont know how bad the
scars are. i once had cuts on my face that i tried to conceal with make
up. didnt work all to well but maybe you can find something..

sounds like you have somne pretty good friends. maybe you want to have a
talk with them and let them know how not hanging out together has
affected you? it sounds like you are able to express yourself well to
them both so it cant hurt i guess.

have you given up on going to the dr and having your friend go and help
pay for it? i thought that was a well planned out idea or now that you
are 18 i think you mentioned going on your own or getting a new dr? i
wish you well in this prom thingy. maybe canadagirl can help with some
ideas. she sounds like a very willing and caring girl. take care di

di

This is a reply to everyone.

Ash: thanks for the info. Honestly, when I read that I got so scared. I
didnt rip it, but just the idea that I could have, that I still can,
scares the hell out of me.

lisa: thanks for the advice. like diane b says, long sleeves might be a
little suspicious, but i could try to see about the shawl idea. i wore
one last year, just to have one. However, my mother would see me
without it bc she'd spend 15 minutes inspecting me in the dress,
telling me how it looks, what parts are a little off, that i'd look
better if i lost some weight, etc. thanks though.

canadagirl: thank you for the ideas! i mentioned them to jenna, and i
she started brainstorming. I might go afterall, if i can find the right
stuff. thank you so much for the support. i can't stop for myself just
yet. No, i'm not seeing a therapist, and because of money issues i
probably won't. This place definitely does help sometimes though.

diane b: thank you. the scars arent too bad, i suppose, there are just
a lot of them. my upper arm is covered, my forearm has a few, and my
wrist is covered. the wrist ones are fading quickly though, bc they
were really shallow and they're older. There is one that may give me
trouble because it was deeper and its directly over a vein (i was
trying to hit the vein, but didnt quite succeed, i think i went to the
side of it). My shoulder is the worst, because I burned myself with
matches right beside my bra strap, and its five burns in the shape of a
smiley-face (which was completely accidental, and makes it 10 times
more noticeable).

make up might help, i used to use coverup during the summer for my
legs, but it never completely concealed them, just made them less
noticeable. i've given up on going to the doctor for a while, at least
since things are at manageble level. if things get really bad again,
i'll borrow money or something and go, if i have to.

my friends actually know that them hanging out bothers me. i've talked
to jenna about it twice over the past year and i've said enough small
comments that i know that Cal knows it bothers me and i can see it in
his eyes that he feels guilty about it. I won't confront it more than
that though because whenver i do say something we hang out one or two
times and then it goes back to this, and i do not want my friends to
hang out with me purely out of pity. i dont want to have to remind them
that i'm here in order for them to remember, i want it to come
naturally like it used to. unfortunately, thats not going to happen,
and although it really hurts me, more than they will ever know, a part
of me knows that i have to respect their friendship and the fact that
they have the right to hang out with each other whenever they want and
if thats without me, and thats what they want to do because of how good
of friends theyve become with each other, i should be okay with that.
i'm not, but i try.

anyways, thanks again for the support, everyone. Today was actually a
really good day for me. Yesterday wasn't. I refused to cut on my
birthday though. things just didnt go as i wanted, but it wasnt
completely horrible. I got an awesome bracelet from my mom, a cinamon
roll from my dad (this doesnt seem like much, but from him its actually
touching), a 20 dollar gift card to the movies and 5 lotto tickets from
my brother, my sister still owes me her gift, a silver bracelt and
necklace from Connie, a homemade card from Renee, a txt over the phone
that said, Happy Birthday, Baby from Jenna (that was it, but she says
she owes me something), and absolutely nothing from Cal, he didnt even
wish me happy birthday. but Cal doesnt really see me in school and
doesnt talk to me in the halls bc hes with his other friends, so that
wasnt unexpected. I didnt go out, didnt do anything. that part was what
got me. the three of us had gone out for jenna's bday, even though i'd
had a huge paper and had ended up having to literally stay up all night
to finish it. but we didnt do anything for mine. which ****ed, but they
both work and they might have been working so i guess i cant blame them
or anything.

Today was a wonderful day. I was driving home, my windows all the way
down, my radio at a decent level, singing along with the music, and
grinning...and i realized that i was singing, i was grinning, i
was...happy. i felt...amazing. i started laughing at this point, real
laughter, just laughing because i was just...happy. i wasnt like
cheerful and i didnt have anything to be excited or happy about, but i
was happy nonetheless... it was just like, i didnt hurt. i wasnt
jerking every two minutes from an anxiety attack (at least i think
thats what those are), i wasnt worried about anything, i wasnt
****yzing things until my self esteem hit the rock bottom, i didnt want
to cut, i didnt want to purge, i just did not hurt. i felt...good. and
i ****ing loved it. it felt...carefree. and it wasnt until i realized
how good i felt that i really realized just how bad i usually felt, how
much i hurt in order to notice when i stop. i finally remembered what
it was like to feel normal, to not be upset all the time. its slowly
fading, but i'm still not in a bad mood or anything. i want more days
like this. i'm beginning to wonder if today was just a really good day
for me or if this is actually what people are supposed to feel like
normally, because i wasnt especially cheerful i just want upset, wasnt
hurting, i was able to sing and smile and laugh...okay, so i can sing
and smile and laugh most of the time, but a lot of the time its
kinda...false. i laugh because i know i should, when i smile it feels
like i'm posing for a camera. that isnt always, but sometimes. anyways,
i'm going to go now. thanks again everyone

I wish you all strength and luck,
Di

lisa in mass.

i'm glad you had a good day. they certainly help. i hope the
good mood continued.

happy belated birthday!

-lisa