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1 14th May 19:32
di
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing (depression down headache throat)


Di here. Things have been upand down for me, sinc my last post. I've
had some good days, and i've had some bad days...well, mostly bad days.
My carpet cutter, which is my best friend on the bad days, went dull,
so i broke open a cheap leg razor, and i've used that three times,
which equals out to about twenty cuts. its a lot sharper than my carpet
cutter though, so i bled a lot more than usual with the same amount of
pressure. i was actually worried about a couple of the cuts needing
stitches, but they're almost healed now, they're just taking a really
long time. when i cut my leg one night, (wednesday i think), i had to
wrap it up because they wouldnt stop bleeding, and the next day, after
my shower, they opened up again and so i nearly started freaking out in
the middle of my morning spanish class when i looked down and saw the
blood spotting on my jeans. nobody noticed though, and i had enough
time to go home and change my jeans before my next class.

anyways, recently i've been sick. sinus, headache, sore throat... and
so, i havent been throwing up. i did, the first two days, but it made
my sore throat worse and after fif**** minutes of purging and then dry
heaving, i started coughing up a little blood, and got scared. so i
havent thrown up since tuesday.

anyways, a couple days ago, a kid killed himself in a high school close
to mine... and my family has been talking about it a lot. my mother was
so upset. i didnt get it, she didnt even know him, but she was just so
upset about it. probably because he was so young... he was my age...
and all i could think about was all the times i had gotten so close to
doing the same thing. it felt horrible. here my mom was upset about
some kid she didnt even know, and i had almost done that to her. it
would have killed her. i know that now... had i ever gone through with
it, it would have killed her. i dont know why i never realized that.

then, friday night, my older brother came home, completely wasted. i've
never seen him so drunk in my life. he is a really funny drunk though.
(he's 29, so its okay). i dont see him that often, and we dont talk
that much, and when we do talk its about school or social issues such
as racism, poverty, or politics. but he was really drunk, so he started
giving me a *** talk. i could not believe it. it was so
embarrassing...but some things he said got through to me. he told me
that he loved me, something he never has done before, and he was only
telling me this because he cares about me and he doesnt want to see me
pregnant because i can do so much, because i have so much potential,
i'm going to be something great. he said i'm the one to make it in the
family, so i cant screw it up by getting pregnant... i dont know, i
never really realized he thought of me like that...and he was drunk, so
i know he meant it. drunk men tell no lies.

.....so ive been feeling really guilty about...everything. this week has
been like a slap in the face, because suddenly i'm just hit with this
knowledge that these people care about me, truly. that if they found
out anything that i do, any of it, the cutting, the purging, the
somewhat depression and rare suicidal thoughts, the dangerous stunts i
do like lick poison cleaner that i've spilled off my fingers or mix
alcohol with twenty aspirins... if they found out any of that, it would
hurt them. really hurt them.... and so, i've just been going through so
much guilt. but i guess...in a way, its good. i havent cut at all
during this... ive wanted to, to take the edge off... but i havent,
because of this. i havent thrown up...i havent done anything.

i have a feeling that if i want to stop, this is it. this is my moment.
this is my chance to end it all...and if i dont do it now, i probably
wont. i dont know... i still feel so bad about everything i'm doing to
them. but i still know that this good period that i've been having all
weekend will eventually go away, i'll hit some bad days, maybe even go
through a few bad weeks, and ill have trouble handling it without my
releases. im still deciding what to do... anyways, i guess this was my
vent.

i wish everyone strength and luck,
Di
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2 14th May 19:32
lisa in mass.
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing (down job)


it sounds like you might have hit a turning point, at least
for now. a good thing. don't worry about the future, it's not
here yet. just be glad the urges have let up enough to allow
you a break.

i know, for me at least, that the worst is when the urges hit
so strong and so long that i just hit a 'screw it' point. for
the moment, my urges are next to nothing, and it feels so good
to be free of them, at least for now. they were really wearing
me down, between urges to cut and fighting almost constant
suicidal thoughts. my mind's finally found some peace, and is
able to concentrate on other things.

do you have steri-strips at home? they're for closing the
edges of woulds that don't quite need stitches, but are
somewhat gapped open. a good thing to keep on hand, just in
case. i haven't needed mine since i got them, but am glad
they're there, just in case. they could save me a trip to the
emergency room.

btw, good job on not purging, even if it was because you were
sick. maybe you'll break the pattern, so it'll be easier to
not do.

strength and luck to you, as well.

-lisa
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3 14th May 19:33
kliv1
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing (depression)


Sweetheart, you've just been given a gift that is priceless! You've
just gotten that glimpse of life through someone else's eyes. And it
really took a lot on your part to absorb - rather than deny - that
piece of awareness as it came at you. Be proud of yourself for that!
Your entire thought process was exactly on target. Suicide has a huge
ripple effect - more than most people realize. I am so glad to hear
that you have stopped binging, and doing dangerous and/or suicidal
things. This is great - but I hope you do know that you can't do it
alone. You need to be seeing a therapist, at least for your eating
disorder and depression. If not ok to talk to parents, try a school
counselor or local mental health agency. There are ways to get help
w/out your parent knowing - email me if you want details,
Just remember, if your resolve should waverk that suicide is the
ultimate selfish act. The ripple effect is fierce, as you've seen, and
the immediate impact unbearable. I know. I've been directly and
indirecly involved on the other side of a suicide. Re: the direct one -
well, that's one of the many reasons I have Post
traumatic Stress Disorder. Hang in there. You've done really well
this week!! K-
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4 14th May 19:33
david
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing (anxiety)


Sorry to hear about your cutting yourself. It sounds like you are kind
of calm, are you episodes related to anxiety? I have been having
simalar problems, recently and trying to decide about what kind of help
to get. For now I think online is still safer, for the moment.
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5 15th May 00:23
madchatter101
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing


hi di. i just wanted to say that im sure your brother was right and you
do have a lot of potential. you have one thing, you are able to express
your thoughts and feelings very well. lots of people have trouble doing
that. i know its hard not to feel guilty but i have faith in you that
you can stop these self destructive things you do. we all have choices
(so im told). you hang in there!
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6 15th May 05:13
di
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing (stress anxiety down)


i'm not sure if this is just going to seem like a reply to diane b, or
a general additon...but its meant to be a general addition. anyways,
lisa: thanks. i can understand the 'screw it' point, i've reached that
a few times myself. and i'm glad to know that your urges are down and
you can mentally relax. i don't have steri-strips. i usually don't have
money, but now that i do i should probably go out and buy some. i had
some in my hand a couple days ago, i just couldnt buy them for some
reason.

Kliv: thanks, i now know what you mean by that ripple effect. i can't
talk to my guidance counselor though, he's worthless. all he does is
help seniors plan for college, he doesnt do that kind of stuff,
besides, i'm like an honors student, my life seems perfect, i seem
perfect...it would shock him, he wouldnt understand how someone like me
does this...but i am getting help now.

David: thanks. yeah, most of it is anxiety, and suppressing anger
issues, and sometimes its emotional problems...mostly its stress i
guess.

anyways, things are going so much better for me right now. i threw up
yesterday, which i had a lot of guilt from... then today, my best
friend, Jenna, was having a bad day...a bad week really, and she
actually told me about the fact that she cut herself... i knew about
her already, and she knew about me, but we never actually talked about
it before. we never really talked about anything serious, at least not
usually. there were cases where we did, mostly just about family
problems, and mostly hers... anyways, i was surprised that she
mentioend it to me. later we hung out, and she actually showed it to
me. and we started talking about it, we actually talked about our own
cutting problems. and we were actually really honest about it.

anyways, she mentioned that my other best friend, and her best friend,
cal does it too, and they have this sort of agreement that if either of
them wants to do it, they call each other. i was amazed. i'd been going
through this shit alone for almost four years now, and they talked
about their problems... it was possible to talk about it. so, i asked
her if we could have an agreement like that, if i could call her when i
felt like cutting or vomiting, and she said she'd rather me call her
than hurt myself.

so i guess tonight was a practice run. i called her, and we
talked...but we kept getting interrupted by her mom, who is a total
pain in the ass and basically selfish and really annoying. it kind of
got to me, i was already stressed out bc i wasnt used to talking about
this to anyone and i couldnt stop shaking, so during one moment where i
was on hold while her mom was in the room, i pulled out my matches and
burned myself twice with them. when she came back to the phone, i told
her. i didnt want to, but i couldnt stop myself. i said it wasnt a big
deal, but she was upset by it, she said it was a big deal. i told her
i've done worse.

anyways, i felt really bad about talking to her about my problem,
because she has problems of her own and she doesnt need mine added to
hers, and i have no real reason to cut, i just do...and i told her
this. she told me that i wasnt being fair to myself, that i was
dependent on it, and she didnt mind talking to me, because she cared
about me. i still felt guilty, but better. at one point, i tried
telling her that my life was perfect, that i have no reason to do this.
she started saying how she thought i just liked it, that this was just
who i was and i couldnt help it, it wasnt my fault.... i started
crying, i couldnt stop myself. i told her, while sobbing basically,
that i didnt want to ****ing be like this, i didnt want to do this for
the rest of my life. i wanted to stop. and she said that if i wanted
to, i could.

anyways, we talked for close to an hour, and at the end, i did feel
better. i wasnt shaking anymore, i started laughing at her jokes...i
felt better. and i realized, and told her, that this agreement might
actually work. that she had really helped me. anyways, so i think i'm
going to be okay. i have help now...i have what i've been looking for
for months, someone to talk to. someone who understands. things arent
going to be easy, and probably she wont be able to help me out every
time, but shes there now. i really think i can stop with her help.
anyways, just thought i'd update you people on whats going on with me.

i wish everyone strength and luck,
Di
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7 15th May 05:13
kliv1
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Posts: 1
Default so much guilt, but maybe thats a good thing


Di - You did great today. You reached out - which is scarier than hell
- and not only talked about your self injury patterns, BUT admitted to
your friend, when she came back, that you had burned yourself. It is so
important to shine a light on this problem vs keeping it secret. Bravo!
And you are right - agreements like that (I call them contracts)
really do work. In my past, I've always been the one to make the
contract w/the person in trouble. And it did work - kept a friend -
even wehn I lived 500 miles away - from suicide. But here's the kicker
- I just sorta pushed another person who cuts into just such a
contract, and it worked. Then yesterday, I not only got her agreement
not to cut or commit suicide until at least she'd talked to me first.
And I agreed to do the same. Guess what? I've wanted to cut all day -
and the only thing stopping me is the fact that I made that contract
yesterday! So yes, keep doing what you're doidng - you're on the right
path. And re: my school counselor recommendation - so, so sorry! There
are schools out there w/actual "counselor" counselors - not just
guidance counselors. And you are right - it's the rare guidance
counselor who does much more than deal w/school issues or minor probs.
They were never have the training or expertise to handle cutting, etc.!
Be safe, keep writing, and call your friend if needed. Set up a back
up plan, even! Thinking of you and glad to know you got to the point
of laughter. (When things get really dark, or I go on a crying jag, or
to distract from the urge to cut - I read cartoons, like Calvin and
Hobbs, or others. Helps...Take care!!!
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