crewfan_88

Im that way too

that ****s ass!

It might be best to stay at these low level classes...not because you
are at that level, but it may be helpful to keep it easy to get into
the flow of things...collegenstuff

I used to feel that way in high school math. I was one of the
smartest ones in class. I used to love answering questions that were
very complicated for others in the class to show that I was head and
shoulders ahead of them, but every time I answered questions a huge
wave of anxiety/ panic would come over me(even though I felt superior
to others in class that ****ing anxiety still came in the same
form)...it was like the same anxiety I would get when the teacher
would ask me a question I had no clue as to wwhat the answer was...so
I felt really stupid/inferior...both ways I felt all eyes were on me...


Thats how I felt about my class at the start, but they have gotten a
hell of a lot harder already!

The way I see it, if you really want to try and socialize, try finding
a club...such as chess, hiking or whatever you're into...like martial
arts...socializing in college can be pretty tough because...at least
in my case I tend to judge my college performance on how many words I
say in class even if I just talk a bunch of complete bullshit that
goes nowhere...instead of focusing on developing responsibility by
attending class, paying attention, doing hw assignments...and not
procrastinating...that will help your anxiety more than just throwing
up a bunch of conversation openers intended as therapy for your
anxiety...In my expierence all my conversations that Ive
started...with theraputic goals being my motivating factor, have ended
up either having to listen to someone ramble on and on about some
topic I could give less of a shit about(In which case I find it
impossible to pay attention) or the person the conversation is
directed to knows my intentions and just gives me a "bullshit" look
and finds someone else to talk to who has more interesting things on their mind

The yoga class and especially the art class should be much easier to
meet people and possibly make friends. I used to have an art class
with a teacher who would cratique(sp?) each piece. He loved my stuff
and always said there's such emotion/anger expressed in this persons
art he's a genius. Damn that made me feel good but also very anxious.
But what was really great about that class is I got to see other
peoples art and comment on what I liked/didn't like about their
work...wed come up with some pretty crazy conversations about music,
politics and other stuff. Man we really made our conversations very
artistic/humorous...one of the paintings I did was of a cat taking a
shit which got me a lot of attention

Sorry I was late to respond to your post...Ive been pretty anxious
about having to go to trial for my dui I got about a month ago. I
really cant stand the thought of having an attorney, jury, judge and
what the hell am I going to say I was drunk as shit driving....but
somehow my attorney says I am pleading innocent...ok I guess thats
what Ill do, I just hope I don't have to spend 30 days in jail!!!! If
that happens, say goodbye to college this semester for me
Bnb

mruk4u

THANKS FOR READING THROUGH MY STUFF/;-)

Just wanted to say, thanks a lot for responding to my VERY long post. I
honestly wasn't expecting anybody to have enough patience to go reading through
that lot...; so, I'm rather amazed you did seem to manage it?! Thanks, again.

ABOUT COLLEGE CLASSES, IN GENERAL

Yes, I think, you are right when you said it's best to start with doing things
that are really easy...just in order to learn how to get into the flow of
things...; and, that, eventually, the classes are going to become a LOT more
harder?! That's when I'm going to wish they had stayed really easy...lol...so,
I guess, it's a case of me doing endless complaining no matter how easy/or,
hard the classes are?!

ART CLASSES

And, I note what you said, that art classes are really cool. Because, generally
speaking, they tend to be a lot more informal, and, therefore relaxed.

I found it really funny when you said you drew a cat doing a do doo...lol.

YOGA CLASSES

As to yoga classes...I'm really not too sure about that...after having never
done it, before? I guess, there are going to be both ***es there, as well.
Which is bound to make me feel really nervous in itself. Wondering how damn odd
I'm going to look...when I can't even get none of the exercises, right?! And,
what if, the teacher starts picking on me, personally...; by pointing me out
before the whole entire class...; and, saying, no, you got to do it this way,
instead! Anyway, I'm trying NOT to think too much about going to Yoga
classes...in case I end up freaking myself out, totally. And, just do it when
the day comes...and, then, see how everything goes.../or, if I do wish to go
back there ever again???

IN REGARDS TO YOUR TRIAL

Also, I truly wish you the very best of luck with your trial coming up. I must
admit, that trying to go put myself in your shoes...that would NOT be something
I would be too much looking forwards to doing, neither!!!

Sincerely, GOOD LUCK!/;-)

Sorry I was late to respond to your post...Ive been pretty anxious
about having to go to trial for my dui I got about a month ago. I
really cant stand the thought of having an attorney, jury, judge and
what the hell am I going to say I was drunk as shit driving....but
somehow my attorney says I am pleading innocent...ok I guess thats
what Ill do, I just hope I don't have to spend 30 days in jail!!!! If
that happens, say goodbye to college this semester for me
Bnb
<<<

mad mitch

You are exceedingly brave doing all this Paul, good on you. I had an
opportunity to start Yoga a couple of weeks ago, I really wanted to go, but
ultimately I chickened out.

I get over anxious about the stupidest things, not only like you do by being
the one that is pointed out but things like "what if my stomach grumbles
really loudly and everyone hears and starts laughing"? (My stomach really
does do that in silent social situations. Repeatedly.) Then there is this
nervous cough I get in social situations. Then there is"what if I mishear
the instructor?" and she says "time for students to leave" and I go to walk
out, when actually what she said was "time for position three". I worry
enormously about doing something REALLY embarrassing like suddenly having
really LOUD uncontrollable sneeze and spew out a load of gunge all over
someone's back or another really embarrassing one is (blush) fart. I mean
what if I stretched into some position and I made a really LOUD one of
those. Oh god. No wonder I didn't go!!!

Michelle

mruk4u

You are exceedingly brave doing all this Paul, good on you. I had an
opportunity to start Yoga a couple of weeks ago, I really wanted to go, but
ultimately I chickened out.
<<<

LOL/But, remember, I haven't even gone and done it, yet...; which means, I
still have plenty of time to go chicken out?! And, quite honestly, whenever it
comes to having to go and face dealing with fearful issues...I NEVER quite know
if I will go...not until the very last appointment minute???!!!

Sometimes, I may even put on my clothes to go...; but, then, somewhere along
the journey -(even up to the point where I actually get to the place, as well)-
due to far too much worrying about it...I will, eventually, turn back-heading
straight for home.../or, simply, go off somewhere else -such as the park- which
I see as being far less fearful, instead.


I get over anxious about the stupidest things, not only like you do by being
the one that is pointed out but things like "what if my stomach grumbles
really loudly and everyone hears and starts laughing"? (My stomach really
does do that in silent social situations. Repeatedly.)
<<<

Yes, I've experienced my stomach making all sorts of unpredictable grumbling
noises, as well.


Then there is this
nervous cough I get in social situations.
<<<

Sometimes, my throat goes really dry...whenever I'm feeling really
nervous/tense...and, then, I try to cough to clear my throat...only instead of
clearing it with that one chough...it feels even more blocked up than
before?!...thus, leading to me doing more endless choughing...and, starting to
feel more and more deeply embarassed-just wanting to both HIDE/RUN!!!


Then there is"what if I mishear
the instructor?" and she says "time for students to leave" and I go to walk
out, when actually what she said was "time for position three".
<<<

Now, that's really funny./LOL/Yes, it is indeed possible to get to mishear
instructions, sometimes, I agree!


I worry
enormously about doing something REALLY embarrassing like suddenly having
really LOUD uncontrollable sneeze and spew out a load of gunge all over
someone's back
<<<

Yes, this idea, too, does also go through my mind...everytime...I sneeze...will
something come out?! And, where will it land...on who??? Will they accept my
sincere apologies...or, will it lead to a big argument, or, FIGHT?!


or another really embarrassing one is (blush) fart. I mean
what if I stretched into some position and I made a really LOUD one of
those. Oh god. No wonder I didn't go!!!
<<<

Farting is one of my biggest fears...; the sound/the lingering stink! That's
why whenever I go to keep fit/or, martial arts classes...I try NOT to eat
anything, atall...for, at least, 2 hours long...which should give me enough
time to practice both belching/burping to get all of the wind out of my system,
first...; but, instead, I just will merely drink, alone.


Michelle

<<<

-Paul/;-)

mad mitch

Yeah - God - where would we be without f****veness??? !!!


As I understand, smacking is no longer allowed in this country. And I think
also there is a "child's right" law, where if you are a child and get
hit/smacked, you can literally sue your parents.


I was taught at a very young age not to lie, and if I did anything wrong
then I must "own up". Whenever I broke/damaged something I almost enjoyed
telling my Mum as she would say "Well done Michelle, accidents do happen,
but you are very, very good to own up and I am really proud of you"
(Sometimes even a piece of choccie!!!) Somehow my brother and sister never
got the hang of this and never quite trusted this concept, so whenever
ANYTHING was damaged or broken, even if it was by my brother or sister, I
would voluntarily take the blame and tell Mum that I broke it when I
didn't!!!! In fact I turned into the most outrageous liar. I do wonder,
looking back, how my Mum never cottoned on to why I was so accident prone
but my brother and sister never did any damage whatsoever.

? (as you would say)

My brother was hit once. He was given a severe spanking with a hairbrush on
his bum by my Dad. Mind you, he was punished for standing on the road,
dressed up as a Red Indian catapulting stones at car windows.

I was about 7-8 and I didn't have any concept of lying and used to tell
outrageous stories to my classmates about owning a herd of wild horses and
the like........ At the time we were forbidden to write in biro and we had
to use pen and ink and I went through a phase of going into school every day
saying I couldn't do my homework because we had run out of ink. The Mother
Superior phoned my mother and discovered that we had about 3 bottles of ink
in different colours but I still went on lying.

One day it just got too much for one of the nuns and when I said I couldn't
do my homework because we had run out of ink she gave me a whopping great
slap round the face in front of the whole class!

I was simply MORTIFIED But I did not have a clue what I had done wrong.
Lying just came so naturally that I had simply no idea that she was slapping
me for having lied.

What were you like at school? Were you well behaved? Did you make friends
OK? How did you get on with authority?

Key question.......were you good at sport?

Michelle

none

Around here you can even sue your parents in paying for your uni degree
provided they can afford it.

I have no idea what to say.


I've always hated sports, music and drawing. Then again I even go to the
gym, sometimes.

mruk4u

Hi Michelle,

STRICT NUNS

And, thanks very much for that truly interesting post. So, the nun slapped your
face...simply, because you, habitually, lied! This story is really odd to
me...because, as I never experienced dealing first hand with nuns...therefore,
my image of them tends to be very NICE people...but, reading this type of story
makes me want to think all over, again?!

SMACKING KIDS

As to smacking no longer being allowed in this country(and, I presume you mean
UK???)...I have heard they no longer tend to do it in schools, anymore...which
leads to a lot of unruly children...who end up being totally suspended/or,
kicked out of school...then, they just end up doing street crime, I suppose?!

But, as to kids suing their parents for having beaten them. I only heard of
that in America. I'm not too sure I've heard of that happening in England,
yet?! Personally, though, I tend to believe that most kids who get
smacked...would NEVER even dream of going to sue their parents...partly,
because they don't even know how to do that sort of thing.../and, even more so
due to sheer family loyalty.

ME


What were you like at school? Were you well behaved? Did you make friends
OK? How did you get on with authority?
<<<

I was, certainly, brought up to be VERY well behaved by my mum. Who would beat
the sheer living daylights out of me...when I was NOT well behaved! So, I
guess, this sort of behaviour carried over to when dealing with others, as
well.

Because, I was well behaved...therefore, I did make a lot of friends at
school...but, not in a loud way...just in a quiet shy way. I guess, people were
not frightened of me...as they, quite often, felt I was far more frightened of
them?! Thus, I had a sort of gift of bringing out shy people right out of
themselves...because, immediately, they recognised in me seeing somebody who
was even far more afraid, and, shy than themselves!

But, on the other hand, I'm not too sure I ever, truly, trusted anyone at
school...not even those who I went to visit their homes...or, who I took home
to come and visit mine. I just felt that your school friend can turn against
you in the blink of an eye! So, one minute you are getting along really well
with them...; then, next minute it's bad mood/or, show off fights...;
basically, I went through school days never really knowing exactly what to
expect...or, who to trust/distrust?!

Maybe, that's why even now-a-days, when I see old school friends...I still feel
I don't really know, or, trust them?! Especially, so, as they've changed a hell
of a lot, now...with the lenghty passage of time... So, usually, whenever I see
old school pals...I don't stop...just keep on going the other way, and, as fast
as possible! Rude, I know...; but, I just don't want to get involved in any of
that old crap!

As to getting on with authority...lol...most of the time, I did get along
really well with my teachers.

But, there were one or two odd occassions...when I let the bad boys influence
my behaviour...like the whole entire class was making loads of stupid
noise...and, like nobody, atall, is paying any attention to the lesson?!

So, next thing, I choose to join in with making loads of noise, too...; then,
sure enough the teacher picks me out of the whole crowd...and, drags me all the
way down the stairs to go see the headmaster. Well, I ran off home, instead, as
soon as the movverf**king teacher had let me, physically, go!

But, then, such events were really like a one-off...; and, extremely rare!
Normally, I did NOT wish to get any bad school reports from my teachers...in
case my mum heard of it...and, started to beat me!


Key question.......were you good at sport?

Michelle
<<<

I was terrible at school sports!/LOL

Football(I was uncoordinated)/Rugby(I was too scared of getting booted in the
face)/Tennis(more lack of co-ordination)/trampolining(quite simply, scared to
death I might fall off the damn thing; then, onto the floor?!-which is why I
wouldn't even dare to go join in!)/Running/athletics(I was too heavy, and,
slow)/-etc.

In fact, many times I, quite deliberately, didn't even bother to bring along
any of my school training kit -(shirt/shorts/training shoes)- with me. So, that
I didn't have to go do PE-Physical Education training classes. -(I forgot what
the alternative was, though...possibly, write out endless lines....'I will
bring my training kit with me, next time!')-

Though, at home time, I did go over to fields, and, practice kicking football
with my closest school friends...; and, truly, enjoyed it...loads of FUN! Just
didn't enjoy the formal school training environment, I guess. Informal training
was perfectly fine with me...as there seemed to be far less 'pressure' being
placed on you to succeed...and, also, you could work out with those who you
both knew/and, trusted.

But, otherwise, I felt I was dealing with total strangers who I really don't
know or trust???...thus, bringing out the deeply self-concious/social phobic
part of me. In that state, I get so nervous and worried and tense that strange
people are staring at me...or, that I won't look good enough/or, be able to
please them...that I just can't seem to function, properly, if hardly, atall?!

Also, at home, I would do stretching/and, yoga.../and, also, study martial
arts...especially, weapons, nunchaku(2 peices of stick tied togeather with
either string/or else, chain).../and, also, broomstick, as well. I would train
with these for endless hours. Thinking, what fun...as the weapon made a loud
whishing noise...the faster and faster you weilded it...it sort of went from
being visible...to being an invisible BLUR!!!

-(But, strangely enough, even though I knew where certain martial arts clubs
were located...and, I would go along there just to merely watch...I never went
there to, actually, go join in...because, I feared sticking out like a sore
thumb!...so, social phobia was still with me, then, even at young school
age...something I've still not quite grown out of, yet???...because, I still
fear going along to keep fit clubs...and, that everybody there is going to
stare?!)-

So, it wasn't that I wasn't intrested in sports, exactly...just that, as
always...(and, the same thing now-a-days, too)...I like to do my very OWN thing
whenever I'm in the mood...and, NOT what somebody else expects me to go
do.../or, when I'm NOT in the mood to go do it, such as, regularly at some
fixed time/day!

My moods tend to change, constantly, all the time...manic-depression mood
swings...and, when I'm NOT in the mood to do something I won't(depression
stage)! And, when I'm feeling manic(up stage)...I won't ever stop doing
it...not until when the manic feeling wears off, completely(3 days max)...and,
then, I go back to feeling depressed, again...and, NOT wishing to get up, and,
do absolutely anything!

This is why, all throughout my life I've NEVER been, really and truly,
fit...because, as my mood swing, quite suddenly, changes...I just STOP
exercising, altogeather.

A QUESTION FOR YOU...

And, were you any good at fitness lessons at school, too?

-Paul/;-)

o_zean

Hi

Good post! I was the rotten apple in sports. i remeber sitting at the
end of the row, next to nobody. I chose to sit at the end, cause that
meant I would sit next to 1 person and not 2. I knew I would be picked
last. One day I hurt my ancle and I refused to tell it to the teacher.
NExt week I continued playing and you know the rest of the story.
There was one thing I hated. That was climbing ropes. I never climbed
one in my life and still, They let me pass sports. Was that cause I
was shy? Was that cause I was no trouble? Was that for my listening
skills? If someone told me to become goalie or defender, I did that
without arguing. If someone told me to sit down, I sat down. If
soemone told me to open my mouth, I trasnformed into a doll....... I
hated taking showers. One day , the teacher ordered to get a shower. I
still remember that day. One day they laughed about my .... And I had
a high voice, so I talked like a girl. I was lucky to be tall. That
was my GOD.....I was tall..GOD bless my lenght!!1 Otherwise I wouldn't
be talking in here.

well, that was all

O_Zean

mruk4u

Hi O_zean,

And, a pleasure to be able to hear from you, again./;-)

Brave of you to continue with playing on a broken ankle...; but, why did you
not choose to go tell it to the teacher...so, that maybe, they would let you
off games? Too much shyness, I guess?! Sometimes, our shyness...can lead to
making bad things become a hell of a lot worse...by, simply, not opening up,
and, admitting exactly how we are feeling inside.

You were lucky to be tall, then. Because, I was just average build/height. In
fact, I was average at just about everything. I think, this was not because I
didn't have extrely HIGH ambition. But, due to sheer
shyness/self-conciousness/not wishing to become the centre of attention...so, I
always very strongly held back from ever letting myself really go. I think, it
is important to be able to just let go of all your inibitions in order to
really excel at sport...those who are self-concious hold back...and, by holding
back I don't think you can excel?! Anyway, in all of my school years...it was
always my ambition to go win a medal. And, guess what, I never ever did even
win one...much to my deepest disappointment...making me feel like being a TOTAL
BORN LOOSER!

-(Well, except when I was really small around age, 8...and, CHEATED...lol...in
the 3 legged race...where you were meant to go hop in a sack until you got to
the end of the 100 yards tape. Well, let's just say I ran a hell of a lot more
than I hopped./Ha!/Though, I didn't exactly feel good about myself, afterwards,
for having CHEATED in order to, so desperately, WIN?!)-

And, yes, I agree with you...that I pretty much did whatever I was told to do
by others during games, and, that was that.
Also, when teams were being picked...I tried to go and hide myself near to the
back of the class crowd...so, that I wouldn't be picked, first...thus, I
usually got picked last, instead...as one of the least capable.

As to changing rooms...; oh boy, simply, blue murder! I didn't want to go in
there, atall. I didn't want anybody to SEE me changing(sometimes, I would
delieberately try to be the last one to get changed)?!

I felt most actutely embarassed about the way my body looked...; because, I
never did view it as being perfect, atall?! Thus, I actually felt very ashamed
of it, instead.

And, as to taking baths *****, afterwards, with the rest of them...completely
forget it, altogeather! I didn't wish anybody to go see my d**k...; or, make
fun of it! (This was an all boys school...and, boys will most mercilessly make
fun of absolutely anything they see...especially, the more shy they know you
are...then, the more fun they will tend to make of you, as well!)

I'm really not too sure myself how I managed to pass through PE-Physical
Education classes(considering many times I, quite deliberately, did NOT turn up
with any PE training kit?!)...; but, somehow or other, I did?!

-(Passing with only average marks, of course.../average...UGH.../when all I
ever wanted was to, well and truly, be The Best.../maybe, that was the real
problem expecting far too much from myself-maybe, more than I was ever fully
capable of???)-

Well, GOOD LUCK, and, thanks a lot for posting! Keep on posting.../;-)

Hi

Good post! I was the rotten apple in sports. i remeber sitting at the
end of the row, next to nobody. I chose to sit at the end, cause that
meant I would sit next to 1 person and not 2. I knew I would be picked
last. One day I hurt my ancle and I refused to tell it to the teacher.
NExt week I continued playing and you know the rest of the story.
There was one thing I hated. That was climbing ropes. I never climbed
one in my life and still, They let me pass sports. Was that cause I
was shy? Was that cause I was no trouble? Was that for my listening
skills? If someone told me to become goalie or defender, I did that
without arguing. If someone told me to sit down, I sat down. If
soemone told me to open my mouth, I trasnformed into a doll....... I
hated taking showers. One day , the teacher ordered to get a shower. I
still remember that day. One day they laughed about my .... And I had
a high voice, so I talked like a girl. I was lucky to be tall. That
was my GOD.....I was tall..GOD bless my lenght!!1 Otherwise I wouldn't
be talking in here.

well, that was all

O_Zean
<<<

o_zean

Great to hear your posts again and again. i learn a lot and I feel connected.

exactly..shynesss. I was too afraid to tell him that I was shy. That
would **** up his mind and he could have told it to the class, making
it worse. ****ing extroverts!! they will bever win!

You told earlier that you tried to stay normal and at the same you
feel rejected cause you haven't won any competitions. But if you look
back, that is becasue you chose to NOt win. Right?? But is ok to NOt
win. What cares is that you know you are better than the rest or some
of them. Adn you were cause the other ones did try to make the best of
you and you tried to just hang out..So you are better then them!

IT is time for the shy people among us to CHEAT and be normal.
Everybody cheats, MRUk. .....soi why can't shy people do it? SHYNESS ROCKS!

well, at least it protected you from your fear. And that is what
matters in school. right?

GRRRR....don't talk about it. I get nervous!

Boys=pain....is this correct???? Boys are bad! That is true huh?


mmmmm, you did great. If i was in your school, I would nbe your friend.