princessbpd

Okay so I was in therapy on and off through most of my life (I always
convince the therapist and myself that I don't need it anymore). I've
found that anti-depressants (Lexapro mostly), really help stabilize me,
but everything still isn't fully under control. I've finally opened up
to my parents and told them that I was diagnosed with BPD a few years
ago, and would be seeking help for it. I had a recent breakdown, and
they get worried about me. But I'm feeling stable at the moment, and
really really really hate therapy. Since I started Lexapro I only have
a handful of breakdowns a year, and usually only during stressful
situations (like packing my apartment to move into a house I was
buying, or other major life changes). My breakdown most recently was
caused by the fact that I realized my marriage wasn't working. I was
the one who ended it, and no matter what my husband said to try to work
it out, I just didn't want to hear it. Eventually I just went over the
top as I was being called every hour by my parents and my husband.

I have yet to hear of someone with BPD actually getting rid of their
breakdowns all-together even with treatment. Is it possible for that
to happen, or am I just wasting my time and money? What other benefits
will I get from therapy specifically for BPD? If I do go I don't want
to see just anyone, I want to make sure they know a lot about BPD and
how to treat it. Though I've been diagnosed in the past for it, that
person didn't have any experience treating it, probably why I was able
to talk them out of recommending more therapy for me.

Anyone know of a good place to search for BPD specialists?

minosagape

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I wonder sometimes whether it's possible to be "cured" of BDP, or whether we
can hope to manage it better, with the symptoms lessening. I've been in
therapy since age 13 and I'm 45, but I don't think it's been a waste. While
my life isn't worth much to me, I'm a stronger, more stable person that I
was in earlier in life. Unfortunately, I fought therapy for about twenty
years, not talking and not being honest. I wish I had worked from the
beginning, as most of my improvement has been recent. I no longer harm
myself, my eating disorder doesn't rule my life (no longer bulimic), and I
recover more quickly when I plummet. If I had the money, I would check
myself into a long-term residential psychiatric facility and get intensive
treatment until I thought I had gotten as much out of it as I could. I
really believe in therapy, but then again, my relationship with my therapist
is the most meaningful relationship in my life - that's kind of pathetic I
guess.

As to finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about BDP, here is contact
info for a well known institute in New York (I don't know what country you
are located in). They might be able to give you referrals to therapists in
your area. I suggest you try getting their phone number, as they say on
their webpage that they might not respond to inquiries if they don't have
helpful information. They probably routinely provide referrals, I would
imagine.

The Personality Disorders Institute
Weill Cornell Medical College
The New York Presbyterian Hospital - Westchester Division
21 Bloomingdale Road
White Plains, New York 10605
info@BorderlineDisorders.com
http://www.borderlinedisorders.com/index.html

indigostar

I don't know where you live but there is a BPD specialist in Montreal -
he's a psychiatrist and a professor at McGill University.

His name is Dr. Joel Paris 1.514.398.4370 or email:
joel.paris@mcgill.ca

Maybe he can direct you to the right place.

Cheers and good luck,
Fellow BPDer.

canadagirl

let me tell you that I feel your pain to the deepest levels. Having
recently recovered form borderline, I am on a med change and have felt
many of the similar feelings of past, but I know better as far as
taking negative action (such as cutting-was a big onre for me, or
over-eating, or hurting my husband physically)
I live in Canada, but my therapy was designed by a doctor in Seattle.
I went into her therapy in October of 2004 and the first 5 months were
the worste. The most absolute hell. That I lived through my most
serious attempt at 4 months in, and then gave EVERYTHING thereafter,
since I happened to live and all, I have learned so much, I have
changed so much and I have grown so much. The thing is, that in the 15
months I spent in portion 1, (I am currently engaging in portion 2 for
12 more months), I changed, grew, learned and implimented so much in
order to learn to live a life worth living. During this time, I saw
many women drop out (usually when it gets hard BECAUSE IT DOES), and I
saw 2 women graduate. I was the third, during the past 2 years.
There is a way, and there is help.

minosagape

X-No-Archive:yes


I should have added the following to my earlier post: While BPD can be
thought to treat you are in a good position to hope for a much better
outcome than me through good treatment. I think I'm an exceptionally
difficult case to crack and believe that my resistance to treatment is an
example of the exception rather than the rule. I have improved, but I'm not
the best person to rely upon as a success story. I hope that others with
more positive outcomes will respond, as more credible voices for the
importance of and effectiveness of therapy. There is reason for you to be
hopeful. You are young and with hard work and the right medications (which
you seem to have) you could see real internal change that could eliminate
the crashes you have been experiencing. I'm sorry if I painted an
unrealistically grim picture. My BOD is not your BPD.

pib

This is just my experience, and it may be totally wrong, but this is
what I've gleaned from various doctors and 'experts' :
BPD is a lifelong condition which 'may or may not' respond to talking
therapies that base themselves on reprogramming destructive behaviour
and illogical thinking. To date there is no commonly accepted drug that
really helps, each individual responds to different medications in
different ways.
Now, I admit to suffering huge bouts of paranoia, and even re-reading


My first failure was not admitting I had any kind of mental illness at
all, I can be the best actor in the world, wearing the most normal mask
to hide every dark thought and emotion, I did it for the first 33 years
of my life, I just drank alot and refused to see doctors.
Then eventually the dam burst, I no longer cared, I let it all out and
got sectioned, the worst thing that ever happened to me, I really just
wanted to die, I tried to kill myself, and ended up being bounced from
'normal' hospital and 'psychiatric' wings, being on emergency plans and
constantly being sedated for my own safety.
I felt like it had become a war, all these people wanting to know what
I was thinking, then telling me that my thoughts were wrong and I
needed to change lots of the behaviours that are entirely natural to
me. I feel like I'm being asked to solo everest ***** with no food and
no shelter, but I'm being monitored so that I don't just lay down and
die or attempt to jump off a steep ridge.
This is getting too hard, I'll post more later, but my answer to the
original post is to NOT skip treatment, see if you can get as much as
possible for free, and keep on hoping as the alternative may end up
being a painful death for everyone.

youalllaughbecauseiamdifferent

Pib,

I really appreciated your post. Your inner response of "bullshit" has been
my response in the recent past to Marsha Linehan's DBT. Most days that I
read her words, my immediate thoughts are "what a bunch of crap" and "how
trite". These types of thoughts are, unfortunately, what keeps me from
pursuing DBT with any vigor.

Secondly, I laughed at your Mt. Everest ****ogy. (F****ve me: I wasn't
laughing at you.) I so wish that those people who have no clue what kind
of spaghetti is in our heads could grasp this feeling, and maybe they'd
have some small comprehension of how difficult most of our waking moments
are. I liken it to leukemia, in some respects. (My brother has CLL, so I
feel that I'm at least a minor "authority" on it...and can at least
loosely compare my ailment with his.)


I've spent so much money on therapy and medication over the past 24 years:
If I had all that money now--at one time--I'm sure I could buy a luxury
home and one of the most expensive cars.

Thanks for sharing a thought-provoking post. Get a good set of crampons,
for the days when the climb is fraught with ice. (I've never scaled
Everest, so I don't know if crampons will work there. Could be comparable
to throwing your Lexapro, Xanax, and Ambien in the air instead of
swallowing them...to see if they will turn into air bags.)

I hope you'll pardon me if I sound irreverent....I'm feeling a little
distorted at the moment. I think I should put a plug in it now. Have a
good day.

minosagape

X-No-Archive:yes

What a sad post to read, as your life has been painful and desolate. Much
rang true for me in what you wrote. If I'm to be honest, my BDP is not
curable. Others' form of the condition may be different. My symptoms have
lessened in severity, but my life remains empty, my world small, my fears
great and my outlook hopeless. I had previously tried to post something
positive in this thread, for fear of scaring off anyone who wonders whether
treatment is worthwhile. While I can't show much for years of psychodynamic
psycho****ytic therapy, I still hold a strong belief that it is important
and worthwhile. I found behavior modification, Dialectical Behavior Therapy,
or DBT, to be useless for me, even kind of a demeaning, infantilizing
experience. I speak only for myself.

minosagape

X-No-Archive:yes


I've always felt a bit fearful of criticizing the Great Linehan God as so
many today revere her DBT commandments. I too think it's crap, and insulting
to my understandable inability, as an adult, to try and trick my mind into
believing it's in a calm meditative state when my emotions are bouncing off
the walls of my cage during a suicidal plunge. Thank you
Youalllaughbecause... and pib for helping me to be honest about my believing
that Linehan's status is no more than than of a cult leader and that DBT is
indeed bullshit - to me. No offense to those for whom DBT has helped.

indigostar

To CANADAGIRL:

Where was this treatment place in seattle or canada? Do you have a
website?

TO EVERYONE:
Also I noticed all of us BPDers are really funny writers - and quite
damn intelligent and sarcastic - I think the sarcasm, and cutting
"truth" comments of BPD is something I find interesting.

Maybe we all gotta find treatments that excite us and work for us, even
if they're controversial. I found energetic healing useful until I
started to have relational problems with my therapist. But generally a
lot of body work can be good:
acupunture, chakra healing, vitamin b complex and a strong dose of
omega 3 is also good support, massage, meditation, nature, yoga on a
daily basis is super excellent!!!!! I have BPD and I remember I went
to a rainbow gathering - in the woods surrounded by super open people
into love and spirituality and we sang, made art, ate vegan food,
camped, swam in a lake, did healing activities, danced, and did yoga
every day and we're surrounded by warm, compassionate, caring and open
non-judging people. I felt that during this time all my BPD symptoms
dissapeared after 3-4 days into my trip. I learned how to tolerate
more intense emotions (FEAR especially!!!) and how to feel relaxed and
joyfull!
It was an ideal environment that doesn't always exist but maybe just
maybe if we surround ourselves with lots of love, play, the right
people who are caring and understanding of us, fresh air, good
nutrition, lots of physical activities, healing and soul and heart
nourishment that in itself can help us heal.

Our environmental factors are BIG!

Just a thought,

Indigostar

p.s. BPDers are known for the intuitive abilities and creativity - I
find connecting to your natural abilities is healing. I'm a massage
therapist and get paid to be sensitive! Google: indigo children - I'm
sure a lot of you will feel a similarity!!!!!!!!!!