broruss@hotmail.com (rev. russell

Thanks Kalinda, and everyone else, for your excellent suggestions and
compassionate words. It really means a lot to me.

I just spent nearly two hours this afternoon talking to an attorney
who specializes in elder law, trying to do some financial planning and
figuring out the best way to do asset transfers. The complexity of it
all is beyond overwhelming. I came away from it mentally tired and
with a headache. (Sadly, I thought this must be how Mom feels every
time I take her to a doctor or try to explain anything to her.) This
attorney was on the Alz Assoc. list of attorneys, he is based here in
the big city, and I am so very glad I went to him... Mom and I already
had a power of attorney drawn up 7 months ago (at my prompting of
course) by an attorney in her little town, but as it turns out the
small-town attorney made a couple of gigantic errors that could have
had a negative impact on all our planning and our lives down the road.
Glad my big-city attorney caught them today and fixed them.
Incompetent small-town doctors, marginally-competent small-town
attorneys.... anyone see a pattern here? The people in mom's town are
wonderfully warm and friendly, and I love the place, I couldn't ask
for a better community for mom to have retired to, but when I am
trying to get any important business done out there, sometimes I feel
like Oliver Douglas on Green Acres when he reluctantly engages in a
business transaction with Mr. Haney or Sam Drucker. (anyone else here
love Green Acres, BTW? heh heh)

beth

Russell, If you don't mind--could you give a generalization of the
"gigantic errors" the small-town attorney made in his advice. I'm not
trying to pry, but get more of a sense of what a specialist (the elder-care
attorney) addresses. I think my MILs affairs are in order-at least we've
been satisfied so far. But there's always room to learn from others. I
understand there are confidential & & state variances.....so your needs are
different than ours. But still....am curious. Thanks.

Beth

frederick

Russ,
There are two basic aspects to dealing with this problem. The
emotional one and the pragmatic one. The pragmatic is obvious. Find a
suitable place for the afflicted person and persuade them to enter, then
ensure that they are cared for in an acceptable way. . Usually the emotions
won't allow that. You still tend to see the person as the one you have known
most of your life, but gradually you will find yourself having to accept
that this is not the person you have known all those years. They are
different and nothing will change that. The difference will get greater and
greater, and then it will start to take it's toll on yourself. At that time
the pragmatism starts to take over and you come to realize that there is a
world that you inhabit which they can't live in, and there is the world that
they need to live in to allow them to go on living at all, and the two are
not compatible. That is when you have to compartmentalize your life, and
move between the two worlds without allowing what goes on in one world to
affect the other. This is the point that most spouse survivors come to.
Either that or completely change your life and dedicate it entirely to the
needs of the afflicted spouse. Some can do that and feel that they getting
enough satisfaction from it to feel life is worth living. Others simply
cannot, and inevitable have to turn to compartmentalization. Charlotte
Bronte had it right when she portrayed a similar situation in "Jane Eyre."
Married to a woman whose senses had left her, her main male character chose
to try to take up life again and avoid the madness destroying two lives.
Sometimes that is the only way open if the mantle of martyrdom becomes too
heavy. I call this compartmentalization and sometimes it is the only way.

Frederick

joyce

I am also fairly new at dealing with a parent with dementia, but have come to the
conclusion that there is no norm ... only what works best for each individual. My
brothers and I had spent over a year trying to get my mom into an assisted living
facility - she would have no part of it. 2 months ago the choice was taken out of
our hands (she was found wandering in the wee hours, in a not-so-nice section of
town). We were told by the evaluating hospital physicians and social workers that
mom was no longer able to live independently. I did consider bringing her home to
live with my family, but learned quickly that wasn't going to be a good option.
My mom also suffers from sundowners (nighttime wandering). Having her living in
our home would mean that someone would have to be up round the clock to make sure
she didn't wander off. That reaks a bit of havoc with work schedules and
children. Add a young daughter who is dealing with OCD, the added stress in her
life would be detrimental to her ongoing treatment. There is a lot to take into
consideration ... of course, what is best for your mom - but also what is best for
your family.

My mom is now in a nursing home, in a locked alzheimers ward. The doors to her
unit are locked, yet she is free to roam around wherever she pleases as long as a
nurse/staff member is with her. Most days she has no idea where she is .. or why.
She continues to insist that I need to take her for groceries, doesn't remember
that all meals are prepared for her. There is a lot of comfort and peace in
knowing she is safe and well cared for, no longer do I worry about her being hurt
or worse. There are a lot of wonderful homes available. My siblings and I toured
quite a few before making a final decision - as well as talking to family members
of other patients. I learned a lot in the process, changed the way I looked at
homes also.

Do make sure you have all legal papers in order, such as power of attorney, living
will, etc. My mom took care of hers when my dad died 10+ years ago - it made my
life so much easier when this time came.

Best of luck to you.

Joyce

dpharris@gci.net (dennis p.

On 9 Sep 2003 08:41:51 -0700 in alt.support.alzheimers,


the loving child does what is right for them and their loved one
with a dementia.

for some that means keeping the LO at home, either as long as
practicable or until the end. many others, though, have taken
the time to search for a good assisted living situation that can
deal with the varying needs as the LO's abilities decline, and
have found that it allowed them to spend quality time with their
LO without the conflicts, anger, chaos, and frustration of family
care.

dpharris@gci.net (dennis p.

On 9 Sep 2003 22:37:51 -0700 in alt.support.alzheimers,

anger is a far more likely reaction. try asking her doc the
question that i asked my mother's: "please think about whether
you would want to be driving down the road with her driving
toward you." be sure to have a draft letter ready to hand the
doc, advising DMV that he/she believes that your mother should
not be driving for medical reasons.

my mother then got a letter from DMV saying they wanted her to
come in for a test, and if she didn't, they would cancel her
license. she didn't, and they did.

3 years later, and she's finally agreed to sell me the car. she
was refusing to sell it, even though she let me have full use of
it (as long as i took her places when i was able). she kept
saying she was "going to get her license back". she finally let
me buy it when it needed new rear wheel bearings.

nancy young

Having their license yanked only goes so far. My fil's was revoked,
come on, he can't remember from 2 minutes ago, he's not going to
remember he doesn't have a license. Which is exactly what happened.
Wound up (thank goodness) cutting off a cop so bad he was pulled
over. We took him to his court date and the judge said (from his
personal experience), and just how do you intend to stop him from
driving. Now my husband is on record as saying he'll take the car
away.

Lawsuit in the making. I refused to let them keep the car as a car.
My fil flipped when we took the car. Okay, you can have it back but
it will be nothing more useful than a planter. I took the wires, the
coil, the distributer cap. They're in a bag in my garage. I also
put a big sign on the engine, do not. fix this car, in the event my
mil got the bright idea to call a mechanic. Which she most certainly
would. As far as she was concerned, he was the best driver she ever
met and she truly resented that they couldn't go to breakfast
because the stupid doctor reported him to DMV.

All I can say is I am so grateful he was taken off the road before he
killed or hurt someone. But people should know that just taking away
their license is likely not going to help. Not my idea of a good
time, but further measures must be taken. They don't remember they
can't legally drive any more.

nancy

gwen love

Frederick, where have you been all this time? Good to see you. Hope all is
going well with you, and with your wife. Bring us up to date please.
Gwen
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If you believe in heaven and hell only to die and find there's nothing to it,
you have lost nothing. If you don't believe in heaven and hell and you die to
find out they are real, you can lose everything.

fargo

But did she give you the house? Of course not! Looks like you're going
to have to continue your death vigil. Don't worry, she'll die someday.

kalinda

Wow, where did you come from and why would you say such a thing?