19th April 18:09
What should Ondrea Walmsley do? (stress panic down heart job)
What should I do???
Hi I am new here! And this place seem to have loving warm people who give good advice. I used to post in the romance newsgroups and, well the trolls have taken over.
I have a pretty complicated situation and really dont know what to do, and I suppose after I explain it all, I might get insight from the feedback. At least, perhaps, i know what to do. I suppose in all of us, there is a sense of intuition what you feel inside what one must do. It this sense of your embers that tell you in some ways where to do, but fear and inertia gets the best of most of us, doesnt it? Anyway...on with the delimma.
I met a guy via interent and we corresponded for a while and for about a year and a half fly back and forth to visit to each other. I am from California, and he is from Canada. So it seem everthing was looking good. He is sensitive, an erudite, he was very generous. My ex and I were total opposites. thought honestly I really think he is a good guy and we just didnt love each other. He is married now and i am very happy for him. We have a great friendship in a way.
now where was i? Oh yeah...we decided to get married. I applied for a K-1 visa which enabled him to emigrate here. though it was really against my better instincks because I always felt it was necessary for a day to day relationship to see how one is in the real world not the mini-vacations you get with a long distance relationship...
which it turns out I am right.
So we planned the wedding...It was going to be something inexpensive. I am a single mom a wonderful 10 year old and I make decent money but by no means am i loaded. I barely eek by. My daughter goes to private shools cuz the public are bad out here and my ex is not require to pay so he doesnt, of course.
A week before the wedding date, after the invitations and all have been set up and arranged and where my husband's family were going to fly down from Ontario to stay at Ceasars for the wedding, my only niece--24 years old was struck by a drunk drive. She was at camp Pendleton and leaving. She loved Marines and was seeing one. She had just joined the navy and was about to ship out in three weeks. Anyway she was hit so hard, (head on the drive a truck at 55 mph and she a small compact car) they airlifted her to a trauma center. I was so upset. I have one sister and this was her only daughter. we visited the hospital, she was unconscious. they didnt know if she would make it. I was so traumtized, I wanted to call of the wedding. I couldnt. my only sis and brother in law obviously were not going there. so really they are my only family and they were not coming. though a few of my friends were.
I was not emotionally ready to go but my husband's family pressured me to go and they were really cold about it when i got there cuz i started crying and really was hysterical that first night. I wanted to throw up. they basically in so many words told me to butch up and make like I am happy to get married. The whole thing was so surreal to me. and then three days later we got the call my niece, my only freakin neice died and here i was in vegas!!!
WE left and i am still haunted by this, It just happend only in April! Still my husband hasnt been that warm and understanding, not that he has been mean but just clueless and distant. which seems the way he is all the time. something i would have noticed had we had a *normal* relationship! He is an introvert and it is very difficult to get him to talk about any feelings at all. I am mad at his parents for being so cold to me (they are religious fanatatics so i was told jesus didnt want me to cry it was wrong???!! and then i got a story from his mom about how her sister died many years ago from a tragic accent from the war--they are croatian and i should be *greatful* my niece is not in pain??!!)
In additon to this tragedy is i have so much pressure on me. My sister who is epilyptic when her daughtger died flipped out. But still seems normal but she attacked me and told me a lot of viles things. I havent been mad at her becuase I know that is how she is dealing with this death, we all deal with it in our own ways, but it hurt. So she is not talking to me.
On top of that, my cousin filed a complaint because i am trustee of my mom's house and he didnt like the payoff I offered him so i had to plunk down 2500 for a probate attorney.
I also have a lot of stress at work, though i love my job and at least have a great envirioment, however busy it is.
Now add in all of my stess and anguish to being married to an distant introvert and I am about to just fall apart.
so now it's been almost four months. my husband has not found work. I had many rows with him because i come home after 9 hours of work and the house is not clean it appears he hasnt done anything at all. he claims to spending all day sending out resumes. My husband is like a little boy and now i have to littlerly write down insturctions to tell him some things i need him to do for me. I am not asking a lot. I dont expect the house to be immaculate, or a big gourmet meal cooked or even sometimes no meal cooks, I just need him to help me prepare for this case in court to fix a few things aorund the house and yet weeks and weeks go buy and nothing gets down. When i ask him what he does all day, he says he is sending resumes, for crying out loud! he can do that in the evening or a few days a week. do i have ot work 10 hour days and do everything else? And then he never comforts me. I talk to him and like a turtle he crawls into his shell. The amazing thing about this in a small
bit of time that would take years for normal coupoles I discovered his pathos and his families, that cold detached way of things by the death of my niece.
and the scary thing is at night i get this panic attacks, like bad dreams of death and that my life is stagnant. I had that when I was married to my ex and I think it is a sign, that i made a mistake
but what am i to do? He quit his job to move here and he needs to live here for two years to get his green card. I signed an affadavit of support! I own a house and I dont want to give him any part of it. It was my folks I have been paying the mortgage and basically paid everyone out. I dont want to pay for support there is no way i could do that barly making it now.
my husband has been coddled all his life. His parents are well off. his dad a doctored now retired. When i met him he was 42 and living with his folks. i told him on ICQ i didnt like dating men who are middle aged and living with their folks. he was but he with hold that information. had i kown i would have not dated him. after about 6 months or correspondence when i finnaly fly up to met him, he moved out the month before and told me in canada he was living with his folks. I thought that was dishonest. he told me he didnt lie to me. I said it was a lie by omission becuase he knew my feelings and to inform me now he knew i was under that assumption he was on his own. He has living with his folks for most of his life. He never paid them rent and his Mommy cooked for him and cleaned the house, you know. his folks loved him being there. He went to school but didnt work. I worked and put myself to school. I had to scaped for everything and my husband it was handed to him. And in
all that time 42 years you think he have some assets? nope! I am the one with all the assests. Why was i so stupid???
It seems sometimes nothing in my life has been great. The only thing is I do love my job and my 10 year daughter gives me joy. without her in my life I think I would have drown.
why is it I have to take care of everyone? who can take care of me? sometimes i want to crawl up into a cocoon and wish I never married him at all.
I dont know how to untangle this miss. I really dont have any desire to go to marriage counseling. i dont think if i have to go after three months of marrigae then it a joke. I have told him once I though our marriage was on a thread he seem very hurt. he realy loves me i know that, but love doesnt solve evyerhting. I feel in my heart i made a mistake.
I feel stupid and i should have knonw better. I dont believe he wants to take advantage of me vis a vis my assests but i think he just is a big boy who wants another mommy and I dont want to be his mommy.
He will not take any direction on his own and expect me to tell him and lead him by the hand.
what should I do? get it annoled, what would the INS do? will I have to pay him allimony? it's only been a little over three months since our marriage. this is so depressing!