mkgarbin

Well, you all were right. I started my job last week, working with
food, as I have said. It is really, really, really detrimental or so I
have found so far. I was at a point where I was binging and purging
just once a week. Since starting this new job, I've progressed to once
a day. I assume it is from being around all this food though it may be
something else. I still have too much time on my hands.

So, my face is swollen though nobody else notices which infuriates me.
If only my mom would notice, I'd be forced to stop. Regardless, I am
hell bent on stoping on my own. I can not keep this up and so have
resolved to simply knock it off. No more b/ping for me, my new lament.

Also, I've decided to break up with this guy I am sort of seeing. He
just isnt my type and it is pointless to stay with him. I am not that
desperate. As I have said, it is just so nice to be with someone but I
am seeing that it can also be a comfort to be alone, in a way. I've
always got myself and that is enough for now. So, I will let him know
in the next few days.

I think that's it. Hope you are all well.
Meg

pat/lynette

Meg--

Good luck overcoming the increased B/P. Do you have a plan of action to
help you stop?

Take care!!

Lynette

arghgirl

Hi Meg

Good for you for being resolved to stopping the b/p. What are you
going to do differently? I am finding that, for me, getting some
exercise, eating a protein-rich breakfast, OING TO BED EARLY (late
nights are the worst for me), and generally talking more about my
feelings have been really really key.

Are you sure its the food that is making the b/p worse? I remember you
saying before that you baked loars of cookies and never b/ped on them.
I am thinking that maybe just the stress of going back to work in
general could be responsible. Any big change like a new job is going
to make the ed rear its ugly head. Anyway it sounds like you know that
things have to change and are resolved to do it so thats great. (Funny
when I was a waitress I did really well with the b/p....watching
people eat all day and being around all that food just make me so sick
of food to the point where I didnt want to eat at all.)

Re: the guy, it sounds like you are always with guys who are "not your
type". Do you know who your type is? Do you think maybe that you are
just afraid of getting really close to someone? Just an idea but
obviously I don't really know!

Good luck

love
ag

mkgarbin

Thanks, Lynette. No, no plan in stoping the b/p cycle. Is there a plan
of action out there? I am just going cold turkey with the thing, I
hope.

Hope you're well!
Meg

mkgarbin

As I wrote to Lynette, I am just going to knock this habit off. I
hope. Excercise is deffinately a good idea, however. It will ocupy
some of my time and make me feel better about myslef. As for going to
bed early - well, I always do. Unless I go out, that is. My medication
generally knocks me out by ten.

Yes, in the past being surounded by food extinguished my need and/or
want to b/p. That does not seem to be the case this time around. Maybe
it is the stress of returning to work or maybe I am just bored. I
really can't ****yze the situation.

Yes, I do know what my type is to some extent. I rarely meet my type
which is why I keep ending up with guys who dont fit the make. No, I
am not afraid of getting close to someone, on the contrary, I would
love to have a very close relationship. This guy just isn't the one. I
have a friend who is encouraging me to break up with this guy which is
the main reason I am doing it, I have to admit. Still, I think it is
best for me and for him. He is too busy to have a girlfriend,
something he has made clear he doesn't even want. I do, however, want
a boyfriend or someone to be close to. So, we just aren't in synch at this point.

Thanks, ag.
Meg

P.S. Hope your new marraige is going well and hope you ed is in
control.

arghgirl

Hi Meg

Sounds like you do know what you want in a relationship and this guy
just isn't it. Sorry for playing the devil's advocate but was just
throwing ideas (wrong!) out there.

I'm so glad about your no b/p resolve - excellent! How was day 1?

I am doing "ok"..in a bit of a frustrating place and generally I am
loads better. More productive and happier and most of the time feeling
pretty normal, but I am still b/p every few days or so and I don't
know how to get over this hurdle. They are kind of planned and in
control b/ps and not times when I totally lose it as before but it
seems I have a hard time just totally functioning without them. I
think a bit part of the problem is my inability to let go of my body
image issues and wanting to lose weight. I think if I told myself that
I would just stop and eat what I want and not worry about weight, I
might be able to do it, but I am having a hard time doing that. I also
feel like I just have a general low-lying depression that just won't
go away.

but life and marriage are generally very good

ag

mkgarbin

Um, hows about we call this day one. Yes, I screwed up. I had the day
off yesterday and went overboard a bit... But, have resolved (again)
to stop cold. Today.

Well, you told me, in the past, that we are about the same size which
means you are thin! I'm about 5'3" or so and weigh (should I spoiler?)

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
and weigh about 110. I am on the small side of weight per my height.
And, if you're the same you have nothing to worry about. For me, I
have to admit, it is the antipsychotics that I take which help to a
large degree. They really sway my perspective on my body. Not to say
that I dont want to lose weight, just to say that I am comfortable
with my body (as long as I dont b/p). Anyway, point being that you
should feel good about yourself. Does your husband know you're bulimic?


Excellent!
Meg

arghgirl

Hi Meg

I am glad that you are still resolved to stop b/p. Its so hard, isn't
it? I keep making a promise to myself and really do want to stop but
then sometimes slips just seem to happen....just so they are getting
fewer and farther between I am happy now though.

Re: size/weight/etc - how can it be that I am certain that YOU are
thin at the weight you are at and that ANYBODY ELSE would be thin at
that weight/height but that somehow I am just a freak and am fat at
the same weight/height? I ponder this a lot and have yet to come up
with a good reason but still it is so! Sigh...

Hang in there!

ag

p.s. Yes my husband knows...he is very supportive although of course
he does not "get it". We are trying harder to talk about things and I
am trying to be open about slips/etc and letting him know how he can
help. He is a big big help to me and I have been b/ping a lot less
since I've been with him and also have kept a very stable weight
(having to eat with someone everyday helps a lot!).

sarah_mcmullon

Hi Meg and Ag!

At the moment, I am limited to where I can post to google groups from.
For whatever reason, we have a problem with our ISP and I can't access
the "post messages" page. We are going to get it sorted out though. I
hope. Anyway, I'm reading and I'll try and post when I can.


I'm really glad to hear that ag. How often are you bping now? I had
gotten it to about once a week, but the last couple of weeks, I've had
2 a week. I know why they happened though and I guess I have been
stressed but I am so aware that I could so easily slip back to bping
every day.

I am still having therapy once a fortnight and it feels more "right"
than it did but I still struggle a lot on the wednesday afternoons
when I'm not going. I guess it helps that I am so busy with uni and
work right now. I'm wondering how I'll feel when things are less busy.
But I shall deal with that when it happens.

In terms of "working with food", I used to find it a nightmare. My job
isn't all around food - I am a HCA with the elderly but of course it
does involve serving and feeding at least 2 meals in a shift. When I
was really bad with the bulimia, I was often spending the majority of
my shift eating and being sick. It was very hard to manage work and
food, but I am loads better now. When I had a med change, and the
depression started to improve, then it was a lot easier to break the
cycle. Now I haven't bped at work for weeks (ok, so since last month,
I've only been working once a week, but even before I went back to
uni, things were a lot better).

I think the 60mg fluoxetine is helping a lot. It has lifted my mood
and reduced the urge to bp. Though of course, it is still there at
times, and then I have to rely on other mechanisms to resist - eg not
having a debit card (so I can't get money from the ATM on impulse),
having little binge food in my cupboard, being pro-active when it
comes to depression (exercise to lift mood, get enough sunlight etc).

Mmm. I wonder about that too.........

Why is it that i can sit there and listen to lectures about "normal
BMI", osteoporosis, increased mortality etc etc, and still think that
I'm fat with a BMI of 20.

My boss once said to me, that the hardest thing about this illness was
that she knew how intelligent and sensible I am, and yet it is still
able to totally screw my head up.

Anyway, i'll get shot for posting at work............not that it's
busy or anything just at this moment!!!! But they always seem to think
that you should "find" something to do..........

Hugs to all
Beth

arghgirl

hi Beth

Its good to hear from you!! I am very much at the same point as you -
b/ping a once or twice a week or so...better than before but not
totally better. But I am feeling confident that I am getting there
(and it sounds like you are too).

I am so happy that the fluxoetine is helping you. I just starting
taking my Prozac again and I hope that it helps me...I am just a
little depressed all the time and I don't know why. Right now all the
Prozac has done is make it impossible for me to sleep but hopefully
that will go away!

That's great that you no longer b/p at work...even if you are going to
slip sometimes its good to have boundaries. I used to b/p a lot in my
car but I make a rule that I would do that no more and it has
helped...

It really sounds like you have a handle on things and know what you
need to do to get better...that is so great. I hope you get your email
problems sorted out so we hear more from you!!

Love
ag