steph

Hi All,

I lurk around once in awhile gathering great tips and suggestions re:
step-parenting, but now I've got an issue that I need some help with. Here's
the background. My partner of 8 years (we choose not to mary for several
reasons) has a daughter that we have for summers. In all respects we have
the same relationship as being married (i.e. we own a house together, have
our names on both vehicles, share the bank account, etc.) and when SD is
here we are a very happy family. So two years ago my partner was laid off
from his job and has had a lot of trouble getting a new one, but has had a
couple month long contracts. In other words I've been supporting us and
paying his child support to the BM who pretty much uses the money for
herself (don't get me started on her... she insists we buy all of SD school
clothes each year and then decides that she doesn't like them and gives them
away even when we ask her to send them back if she won't let SD wear them
because she doesn't like the colors - it's a power/control/competition
thing).

Anyway, forward to this summer... SD decides she hates living with her BM
for several reasons (insinuates physical abuse by her SF) and wants to stay
with us for the school year. Note, none of this has gone through the courts
because my partner is too scared of this (he's way too passive for his own
good). I insisted when this was being discussed that if that was the case,
then we HAVE to get support from the BM because I don't make enough to
support us (I'm contemplating bankruptcy right now and then I lost my job so
now I am supporting us on my unemployment which isn't working) plus then add
the expense of a kid. Don't get me wrong I love SD dearly and we are really
close, but it's not going to help anybody if we lose everything because of
this.

So, he agrees, and the BM says "of course I'll pay support" and SD starts
school here. Guess what... no support. BM says that it's just too hard right
for her right now because she is separating from her husband and she can't
do it. I have had a few fights with my partner over this, but he just hates
conflict to the point that he asks BM "if you can maybe sc**** up a few
dollars it would really help". WHAT THE #@!$?

I am really pissed off about this and mad at the whole situation. I have
worked my ass off for everything we have and he can't even get the guts to
push BM to pay us for supporting their kid. Not to mention that if I was a
bitter person and refused to pay support for him, he wouldn't have paid
support for two years because he didn't have a job and couldn't pay it
(which she totally bitches about if we don't get the check in the mail in
time for her to get it exactly on the 1st). I've totally lost out on things
for myself over these two years because we HAD to pay support instead of...
oh say... me paying my car insurance which now I can't drive because we
can't afford to start a new policy and my insurance lapsed or me getting
things like haircuts, etc. because we spent the only extra money we had on
support. We even rented out one of our rooms to have a few extra dollars to
cover support when I switched jobs and was being paid less.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so mad at him and at the BM. I know that I
put myself in this situation by agreeing to this, but it was on certain
conditions. Now we have SD in school and she feels safe and is happy, I
would hate to disrupt this for her. I hate to say it but I'm to the point of
wanting to leave. It's killing our relationship and I am just so resentful
all the time. Since we aren't married I have no say over anything regarding
SD legally like going to the courts myself.

Does anybody have suggestions?

Thanks,
Stephanie

gplenexa

Even if you were married, you would have minimal legal say.

I would tell your partner that either he go to court and get the support
(which you can do yourself - it doesn't take an expensive attorney) or you will
leave him.

~~Geri~~

"It's Football Saturday at Memorial Stadium and 'There's No Place Like
Nebraska!!'"

kathleen

Just a couple of observations-
You didn't say how old SD is (or maybe I missed it?) I am surprised
that you haven't had any problems in switching the custody!

Even if you were married, you still would have no say regarding SD.
This is really a marital problem, so I'm going to let Anne jump in and
advise.
;-)

With hope and heart,
Kathleen

--
In belaboring the sins of some religious people, we could feel
superior to all of them. Moreover, we could avoid looking at some of
our own shortcomings. Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had
contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil.
~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions


: Hi All,
:
: I lurk around once in awhile gathering great tips and suggestions
re:
: step-parenting, but now I've got an issue that I need some help
with. Here's
: the background. My partner of 8 years (we choose not to mary for
several
: reasons) has a daughter that we have for summers. In all respects we
have
: the same relationship as being married (i.e. we own a house
together, have
: our names on both vehicles, share the bank account, etc.) and when
SD is
: here we are a very happy family. So two years ago my partner was
laid off
: from his job and has had a lot of trouble getting a new one, but has
had a
: couple month long contracts. In other words I've been supporting us
and
: paying his child support to the BM who pretty much uses the money
for
: herself (don't get me started on her... she insists we buy all of SD
school
: clothes each year and then decides that she doesn't like them and
gives them
: away even when we ask her to send them back if she won't let SD wear
them
: because she doesn't like the colors - it's a
power/control/competition
: thing).
:
: Anyway, forward to this summer... SD decides she hates living with
her BM
: for several reasons (insinuates physical abuse by her SF) and wants
to stay
: with us for the school year. Note, none of this has gone through the
courts
: because my partner is too scared of this (he's way too passive for
his own
: good). I insisted when this was being discussed that if that was the
case,
: then we HAVE to get support from the BM because I don't make enough
to
: support us (I'm contemplating bankruptcy right now and then I lost
my job so
: now I am supporting us on my unemployment which isn't working) plus
then add
: the expense of a kid. Don't get me wrong I love SD dearly and we are
really
: close, but it's not going to help anybody if we lose everything
because of
: this.
:
: So, he agrees, and the BM says "of course I'll pay support" and SD
starts
: school here. Guess what... no support. BM says that it's just too
hard right
: for her right now because she is separating from her husband and she
can't
: do it. I have had a few fights with my partner over this, but he
just hates
: conflict to the point that he asks BM "if you can maybe sc**** up a
few
: dollars it would really help". WHAT THE #@!$?
:
: I am really pissed off about this and mad at the whole situation. I
have
: worked my ass off for everything we have and he can't even get the
guts to
: push BM to pay us for supporting their kid. Not to mention that if I
was a
: bitter person and refused to pay support for him, he wouldn't have
paid
: support for two years because he didn't have a job and couldn't pay
it
: (which she totally bitches about if we don't get the check in the
mail in
: time for her to get it exactly on the 1st). I've totally lost out on
things
: for myself over these two years because we HAD to pay support
instead of...
: oh say... me paying my car insurance which now I can't drive because
we
: can't afford to start a new policy and my insurance lapsed or me
getting
: things like haircuts, etc. because we spent the only extra money we
had on
: support. We even rented out one of our rooms to have a few extra
dollars to
: cover support when I switched jobs and was being paid less.
:
: I just don't know what to do. I'm so mad at him and at the BM. I
know that I
: put myself in this situation by agreeing to this, but it was on
certain
: conditions. Now we have SD in school and she feels safe and is
happy, I
: would hate to disrupt this for her. I hate to say it but I'm to the
point of
: wanting to leave. It's killing our relationship and I am just so
resentful
: all the time. Since we aren't married I have no say over anything
regarding
: SD legally like going to the courts myself.
:
: Does anybody have suggestions?
:
: Thanks,
: Stephanie

the watsons

yup, is there any work DH can do, even if it's not in his field? get DH to
file the paperwork for child support and a modification of custody...get him
to check on state resources, see what kind of state aid you can get for
having her and having a low household income...does her school do free
lunches? does SD need daycare? sometimes, that's state subsidized if you're
using daycare for your child while you work...

lay it on the line-this is his daughter too, and he needs to get up and do
something 'bout it....especially since you have no legal voice to your SD,
and you don't even have the benefit of being his spouse, so he has to track
down the state resources too...'sides which, you're working full time...he
has free time you don't...

sorry if i'm overly blunt-three hours of sleep ****s...

Jess

vicki robinson

You know, I'd agree with this, but I'd omit the word "too" in this case.
She's *his* daughter, period. It doesn't matter if there's a stepmom,
married or not. She's his daughter. That support check from her mom is
*hers*, it's not his to waive or waffle about. He needs to get the ball
rolling to make sure that she's taken care of by both of her parents.

Vicki

amy lou

Question is how does Steph initiate this ball rolling thing? I think the
answer has something to do with her setting a boundary.

Amy

the watsons

i'd send her to bed early one night, sit down with him over a nice cup of
coffee, and say something like "i really appreciate that you have asked BM
to send us whatever she can, but our finances are getting to the point that
we can't wait on her to do that, and frankly, i'm getting overloaded...i'd
really like it if you could start doing <insert tasks here> while i'm at
work tomorrow so that it would make our finances easier..you have to do this
because she's your daughter and i can't....if you can't or won't do it, tell
me now, because then we need to decide if we send SD back to her mother
because i simply can't bring in the money to support us without your
help"....

Jess

kitty

"The Watsons" <warpedsystems@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:it_ab.236$La.147@fed1read02...

the watsons

er?

Jess