sole

Even though things in my life are under control, right now. This last
couple of months have been a real challenge. My oldest son, who is almost
17, decided to take a nose dive. He was doing all the things he wasn't
supposed to do. Got hooked up with a girl and they decided to try and get
pregnant. Luckily, they didn't succeed. He stole our car on a number of
occasions. My daughter, who is 15 is acting perfectly 15 and is daily
zapping me of what little patience I have. I could go on and on.

I also became pregnant 3 months ago, which was a total surprise. I was
devestated. A month later, right when I was getting used to the idea and
feeling comfortable with it, I miscarried. Man, was that a psychological
punch in the nose. The point is, I was surprised at how quickly my stress
peaked. I have become keenly aware at how fragile all of the progress I
have made is. Kind of disappointing and discouraging because I so want
there to be a time in my life when I can say, "I'm all better. I can handle
this." I know everyone has there moments but I just want to be able to
handle life's natural hurdles.

I didn't spiral out of control but I was right there, on that edge and it
scared me. My last nerve is always just a straw away. That ****s. But at
least now I know I don't have to be stuck in that dark place forever.

sole

mali5@myway.com (mali

It scared me too. I am studying for the Bar Exam and earning money
doing work online. That ‘one step back' is a killer and this is what
I came up with for me to handle it:

I can "tough out" being poor, overweight, and alone. I can "tough
out" an injury that put me in crutches, loosing money in a large
investment, being broken down and robbed on the road side and other
stressors that would leave the average person complaining for months –
BUT I can NOT tough out depression. That little depressive episode is
a full blown EMERGENCY.

It scares the hell out of me, too. My Psychiatrist and Psychologist
say that it will probably take a long time to move away from that edge
when an emotional problem triggers the BPD in me.

My family never participated in my BPD. Thank-God I had one or two
good friends to help me! Now that my family sees my progress, they
are being nice to me and more welcoming to me. When an emotional
trigger hit me, I could not turn to my family. If they didn't get-it
then, they sure won't get-it now. My family wants to believe that
this BPD is totally behind me. It hurt in the past that they didn't
participate and it hurts now when I am reminded of their position.

Well, these few posts reminded me of the ‘ground rules' and the people
who were there for me during the intense BPD days. My family might be
nice to me now, but I have to place a higher value on the people who
will support me when I am on that edge.

This weekend, I will be at a family event where there will be tons of
people who will congratulate me on my recovery, loosing weight,
earning money... They don't want to hear how close I come to the edge
when things go wrong. I must smile and act gracious. Part of me
wants to not show up or tell them that I am still angry that they
abandoned me. But no, I need to push through the event with smiles
and thank-you's.

Will we ever make a total recovery?
I have become keenly aware at how fragile all of the progress I

I hope so, but I haven't gotten there yet.

Mali

sole

When crisis hits and I'm faced with either depression or a blow-up, I tend
to pick depression. I guess because it allows me to maintain some sense of
control. When my stress peaks everything can come out as anger and that's
where I lose it. I am much better at controlling my anger on the outside
but the rage inside is just as bad. So when faced with the choice of
depression or anger, I take the blues. Maybe because it gives me an excuse
to retreat. To crawl into bed. I get more support when I'm depressed, than
I ever would being angry. No one likes to deal with a ball of angry fire.
I didn't used to have the choice.

How long ago were you diagnosed? Do you take any meds?

I can relate. Even though my family has always supported me, they weren't
pleased with me accepting the BPD diagnosis. Their concerns were valid.
They didn't want me to become a label. I can understand that. They know me
well and know that when I get into something, I go full on. They didn't
want it to consume me. After explaining my views and experiences a number
of times, I left it alone and just let them watch and see. I still don't
use the words Borderline Personality Disorder. When they sense I'm out of
sorts, I just say, "It's the same old, same old creeping up again."


That's about all you can do. BPD is so very hard for people to understand
and believe because everyone experiences the same "criteria" that is used to
diagnose us, to some degree. They just don't understand how very
exaggerated those behaviors are in the life of someone with BPD. Yes, smile
and say thank-you. It's empowering. :-) Sole

mali5@myway.com (mali

I don't have support when I get depressed. Anger helps me move
through the incident quicker. I am finally well enough to start using
my intellect to confront a person who contributed to the problem.
This therapy is great stuff! I still need practice but confronting
someone's participation holds them accountable even though
uncomfortable to bring up.

I was diagnosed in 1995. I no longer need an antidepressant. I have
a hard time falling asleep so I take Remeron and Geodon before I go to
bed. I have Xanax for acute episodes of anxiety, but rarely need it.


I still don't


My family didn't care enough to remember "Borderline Personality
Disorder". They just stick with "Depression". I'm angry about their
ignorance.


Very true!

Good News:
I made a toast at the family event and "stole the show". I took the
opportunity to thank him and the people at the party for how they
enriched my uncle's life and how it impacted me. I made it very clear
that I intend to make a full recovery so I can surpass even my
original expectations. I let everyone know that "Nothing in life
stays the same". I hope some of those jerks heard me loud and clear.

One friend of mine helped me to realize that even if they were nice to
me that wouldn't really erase the past. Someone said that it takes a
long long long time. I hope I pass my exams so I can afford to move
away from them.

This is a hard disorder sometimes.

Mali

sole

This is an area where my thinker and my feeler don't line up. If my thinker
thinks I've been wronged, I have no problem confronting the person in a
cool, calm and collected way. But if it's my feeler that's been wronged
then boy howdie, watch out. That's when I have to choose to rage or go into
my depressed mode. God, that doesn't make any sense. I'm really tired of all this introsprective crap.


Glad to hear the event went well for you. Sounds like you handled yourself very well.


Cliches are cliches because they are usually true. "Time heals all wounds."

Yes, it certainly is.

sole