cjameston75

Hello everyone,
This is my first posting and I am not sure how to explain what I would
like. My partner is bipolar. It has not been officaly diagnosed, but
he is getting tested today. His family has a history of bipolar, and
for the last 6 months he has been in a great depression with short
moods of high energy and a high level of excitement. Why I am writing
is because I don't know what I can do anymore with him.
I realize that he is stepping in the right direction and getting help,
but these last few months have been killing me. I feel stressed by
having to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning. I come home and
find that he has called in sick from work and just sleeping on the
couch without anything done. Sometimes he did have enough energy to
go to the store and buy a bottle of wine to knock out before he gets
knocked out by it. When I confrount him with his drinking he tells
me more or less that it is his life and that I need to butt out (of
course this has been censored).
He has had family problems in the past and feels that it is his job to
fix it all. When he can't fix it he becomes withdrawn, depressed and
starts drinking for 3 days. It has been so that when he gets sad or
depressed he falls further and further into a dark hole. He starts
putting himself down and then starts talking about how the world would
be better if he killed himself. I have talked him out of hurting
himself many times and tried talking to him, but the only thing that
seems to work is for him to either pass out or just fall asleep
crying.
About 2 weeks ago, after a five day binger of wine. He was passed out
on the bed. I woke him up and we argued for about 2 hours. After
having a hole punched in the wall and many tears he decided that it
was time for him to get help. He was hospitalized for 3 days. After
the 3 days he told the doctors what they wanted to hear and he was
out. 24 hours later he was drinking again and the repeat of
depression would occur 72 hours later.
Many people might be thinking that I need to leave him. If he does
not want to help himself that I have no point in being with him. I
think differently. I am not co-dependent on him and the house is in
my name. We share nothing besides our lives and history. But for me
to leave him because of something he can not control I feel is
selfish. It would be like leaving someone because they have an
illiness. I don't see that in me. On the other hand it is clear that
he is not the same guy I met 3 years ago. I know he still loves me
but I find it harder and harder to want to go home to him. I love
being with him when he is happy, but now I am scared because I don't
know when/why he would go into a depressed state and start yelling.
This on top of his drinking and me having to do all the house work is
starting to wear me down to the point of tears. I have started to
dread the weekends knowing that nothing good will happen, and if
someting good does I just worry knowing that this will not last and
the next big dip will happen in the next few hours. I prey that when
he drinks he passes out before his mood swings.
In some aspects I know we are lucky knowing that we have no children
to witness this. Nevertheless it still makes it difficult. As I said
at the beginning I do not know what I want to accomplish by posting
this message, but just writing out my feelings have helped a little.
Thanks.

BTW, if you want to write back, just post here or use my email. If
you want to bust my balls for being *** hold your breath (or your
fingers) I will just delete it once and ignore you forever. Take care
everyone.

vicky

Hi Chris,,
Nice to meet you. Your partner maybe bi polar but there is no way to
know for sure unless he stops drinking and after a few years has
problems with depression and mania... Some people quit drinking and
their lives get straightened out considerably and some people take meds
for a while when they stop drinking and that seems to help, If he is
really bi polar and he has suicidal tendencies that is not something to
take lightly drinking or not drinking. My mother was an alcoholic and
she spent time in mental institutions and tried to commit suicide a few
times but she was one of the lucky ones because when she quit drinking
she had no more of those types of problems. There really is no way to
predict what the outcome will be when someone quits drinking.

The only suggestion I can reasonably give to you is to consider
going to Alanon. When people drink alcoholically they "are" mentally
ill and sick... the solution is for them to quit drinking and find a new
way to live. There are lots of people who quit drinking though and find
that their mental problems continue in one form or fashion and they have
to be willing to address that..

I don't know if bi polar runs in my family... but I know alcoholism
does and some forms of neurological problems such as epilepsy and
muscular disorders and mild forms of autism. I seem to be the lucky one
who has been blessed with Bi polar in my family

Take care and welcome here,
Vicky

heatherok

FYI: there is no test that one can run to see if one is bipolar. A mental health
professional will ask all sorts of questions to see if your partner is bipolar.
If your partner was taking an anti depressant without a mood stabilizer, then
he'd almost certainly be manic...that was how we figured out I was bipolar.

You also have to realize that you can't help him unless he wants to help himself.
You can't make him do it. Even fully blown manic as I was, my brother carrying
me into the clinic, asking for help for my speed addiction (he thought my manic
episode was because I was on drugs), I said I was fine but my doctor standing in
the receptionist's office clearly saw I was manic.

To this day, I don't understand how in the hell anyone in my life could stand me.
Heaven knows, my current husband (whom I've known for a long time) spent many a
night with me on the phone because I was depressed and upset and leaned on him.
Heaven knows he made many a trip between Tulsa and St. Louis because he was
concerned about me. I also had other issues I've had to deal with, and it hasn't
been an easy road for me, and it has taken me a while to get to this level of
acceptance with things, but it was well worth it for me.

From what you say about his drinking problem, sounds like he is upset about his
depression as much as you are and while I don't think you should let him off the
hook, I do think you do need to back off just a bit. He can't help it, much. I
know this will be hard for you to understand, but it literally is a major
struggle for him just to get out of bed. Once he gets the proper medication and
some therapy, he should start to return to some sense of normalcy, but he won't
ever be "normal" or "quite the same". Neither one of you will be.


Yes, he will need some specialized therapy. It probably wouldn't hurt for you to
get some also. That way you both can work things out as individuals and as a
couple. My husband and I have a therapy session with both of us once a month,
mostly to let the therapist know how things are from his point of view but also
he sees things that I don't, and the therapist wants to know.

He may need to get a handle on the family issues first before the
bipolar...sounds like the family issues are tied in directly with his drinking.


If he isn't abusive, I think he needs to hit bottom. I know that I have done
many things in my relationship with my husband that most normal couples would
have split up over, but he has always stayed by my side. I know I've tinkered
with my meds to the point where I stopped taking them, done some really stupid
and dangerous things while manic, and really gave him reason to leave me once.
After that, I had to work a long time to rebuild a lot of the trust that was
there...and sometimes he still isn't sure on things. He no longer counts my meds
and I learned to set limits and learned how to communicate better. But it took a
long time for us to get to this point. He is lucky to have you stand beside him
during this. Not many partners would.

No, I do want to say "welcome" though! Some regulars when this group was just
starting out were ***, and in fact, I was just thinking of Ian the other day,
wondering how he was doing because I hadn't heard from him in a long time.

Besides, some people are just plain ignorant. I know...I'm from the deep, deep
south!

rich

BTW, I couldn't even tell you were *** until you said so.
Is a "family intervention" possible for him?? It's hard to be in denial when
everyone confronts you with the same message.
Good luck.
-Rich

cjameston75

Thanks everyone for your help. He is working on it and with support I
think we can work it out. He is investigating AA meetings in our area
and as I said before he will be going to a physiologst. Man, I really
think his family screwed him up. I hope we can help him out of the
hole. Take care and talk to you later

c_jameston75@yahoo.com (yahoo killed my last account for this post on
their network, -jerks).

Chris