d hamilton

Amy, you posted:

It's nice to see men with ED that actually think of their woman's
needs too. I, unfortunately, am not in that kind of relationship. I
don't think it's just his ED bothering him. I think he hates my
weight. I'm not really that big, he just can't stand women with meat
on their bones. Makes me wonder why he married me.
<<

I clipped this from the post "Questions About Women." I don't know
all the details of your relationship. I looked for additional posts
from you but, if you've gone into great lengths about your
relationship somewhere, I missed it. So, this post will involve some
guesswork.

You also suggested, when asked what you like, that anything aside from
being ignored would be good.

Your postings sound like something my wife might have posted several
years ago.

I've had ED for quite a few years probably. The problem is I didn't
realize it most of those years. I had very low testosterone and my ***
drive was so low that I just had no interest in ***. I thought my low
libido was caused by having three young children in the house and the
sleep deprivation that accompanies kids.

For the last five or six years my wife and I rarely had ***. When we
did I would sometimes have problems (the last 3 years), but the ***ual
encouters were so infrequent, it was hard to detect a pattern.

I remember my wife complaining about our lack of a *** life. She
suggested we have *** 2 or 3 times a week. When she said that I can
remember thinking, 'No freeking way! That will kill me!' *** just
seemed like a lot of work. (Again, the last three years)

Oddly enough, having that thought at that time didn't set off any
alarms. I was in my late 30's. Certainly I was normal. I found out I
had low T mostly by accident -- I mentioned to my doctor, in passing
at the end of a visit, that I had low libido. He got a very serious
look on his face and the fun began.

FWIW, my wife had been at me for a long time to see a doctor. I didn't
do anything about it, not because I didn't love her, or because I was
stubborn, or any of 100 other reasons except -- I was young (that is,
late 30's ... not early 70's), certain I was normal, and I didn't feel
bad. I was tired and would rather sleep than have ***, but again, we
had three young boys and had been going without regular sleep for
several years.

I found out about the low T three years ago. I'm sure I had problems
at least two years prior to that. I remember being in Colorado Springs
6 years ago and realizing that that weekend would mark 6 months since
we'd last had ***.

I don't know what my wife was thinking. She would sometimes complain
about the poor state of our *** life -- but she rarely initiated ***.
When she did, I tried to be there for her. When the penis became
unreliable (again, I never considered calling it ED ... just fatigue
or stress) I would provide an oral service before penetration to make
sure she got something out of it. (You know, I should have thought
that something was wrong the night I noticed I was going soft during
fellatio. When I noticed I was losing the erection I started focussing
on it so much that when it failed completely I thought it had deflated
due to worry.) Of course, this lead to me worring that she might be
thinking, "Oh no, not cunnilingus again! Can't he try something new
just once."

That last paragraph was supposed to go in the direction of the things
my wife might be thinking that were causing my problem but I drifted.

I don't know if my wife blamed herself or not. I know she eventually
began to think that I was pushing her away and that I didn't love her.
My wife is not a petite woman; I have always thought she was stunning.
I would tell her daily, I'm certain, that I loved her. I would hate to
think she thought my lack of desire had anything to do with a pound or
two she may have put on.

While I can't blame my low T and the accompanying problems entirely
for the degradation of our marriage, it certainly didn't help. We
separated almost a year ago and she is pressing for divorce.

Now, for the irony: About 6 months ago I noticed that whenever I was
around her I would start to get an erection whenever the conversation
would be of the nature suggesting our relationship wasn't totally
over. It would appear that treatment started working just a little too
late to do me any real good. Well, with respect to my marriage,
anyway. I still feel a helluva lot better than I used to.

That last sentence says a lot. I feel better than I used to. However,
when I felt bad I didn't realize it. I didn't NOT go to the doctor at
my wife's urging because I was trying to be an ass ... I just didn't
think I felt bad. I didn't think I had ED. I thought I was normal,
just tired.

For a really bad ****ogy -- Have you ever bought a new pair of
sneakers that were exactly like the pair they replaced? You put the
new sneakers on and they feel great -- but they're just like the old
pair, which don't feel so great anymore. And you can't put your finger
on the point in time when the old shoes started to feel uncomfortable;
they broke down so gradually there never appeared to be any big
change. From day to day they felt the same.

That was my life. My mid-to-late 30's. From day to day I felt the
same. There was never a day when I felt a switch was flipped and BOOM
I felt bad. Hey, I didn't think I felt bad. I didn't feel depressed
(somedays were good, some were not, but that's life). I didn't feel I
had ED. I didn't think my ***ual appetite had changed. From day to day
I felt the same.

It was last summer when it all came together. I was in my front yard
watching the boys play and I noticed that I was having a pleasant
time. I had spent many nights in the front yard before, watching the
same boys play the same way, interacting with people and being your
typical neighbor. I never felt out of place or put out. I just didn't
feel anything. But this night it hit me that I was actually enjoing
myself. I wasn't just there ... I was there and enjoying it. I don't
explain it well. (There was a This American Life on NPR a while back
that explained it better.)

(It was about this same time that I was driving down the road and
noticed an attractive woman walking from her car to her house. There
were some stirrings and I remember thinking, "Well, this is new.")

Now that I feel better I am able to see just how bad I felt then.

My soon-to-be-ex wife is a wonderful person. She is a strong woman.
She is dedicated to the family. I am not trying to say anything bad
about her. However, I honestly believe that without the Low T and
accompanying problems our marriage would still be intact. Had I gone
to the doctor earlier things may have turned out differently. Of
course, I'm not trying to say this was the only problem -- I'm saying
that the camel can support only so many straws before its back breaks
.... this is one of several straws that finally drove the camel into
the ground.

In other posts you said you stay with your husband because you love
him (someone asked why you stay with a man who may not be interested
in you). My wife loved me for many of the years I had no libido.

I imagine that in time you may grow tired of your current situation.
I'm not trying to slight you. But, as I look back over the past
several years I can recognize several attempts my wife made to give
things another shot. The magic was gone by that time.

You mention your husband has ED. What is his *** drive like? Does he
often initiate *** and then have trouble? You've indicated you are
more or less ignored. Could his ED be caused by low testosterone?

Or, do you initiate *** and find he has trouble? If my wife had
initiated *** more often I may have noticed (after the 'Oh no, not
again ...') I was having problems time after time. I would have
probably denied any problem, however. (I was young!! And again, not
blaming her)

In any case your husband needs to get to a doctor. If he has low
testosterone he could wind up with bigger problems than ED. Low T is
linked to loss of muscle mass, loss of bone mass, diabetes,
depression, weight gain, (heart disease?) etc. Just about anything
that can go wrong in a man.

If he has normal homone levels, high libido, and ED caused by
something else, well, there are plenty of things to try.

Of course, getting him to the doctor may be the trick. I'm a nice guy.
I'd do anything to help someone. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to make
an appointment to see my doctor about a problem I didn't think I had.


You know, as happens so many times, I start with a single point or
idea and turn it into a Usenet clogging post. Sorry about that.

Good luck.