Alex 2009-05-17 05:02:41
It happened five years ago, when I first met my best friend, who later will
become my girfriend. We spent 2 years of a wonderful relationship as a
couple, when I later broke up with her. Why? Just because I didn’t felt
anything about her anymore. Just like that. No fights whatsoever, just.. I
didin’t feel like I loved her anymore.. So we broke up.
She suffered from depression (lack of lithium on her blood). I helped her
throughout difficult times in her life, that specially united us more and
more, specially me with her mom. We were like mates trying to help her
Now time has gone by. Four months after we broke up she dated someone else.
We continue to talk almost every day, as we then became very close friends.
That was fine with me.
Two months ago I started to feel different about her.. I did feel very
atracted again.. (In love?).. and no matter what I do, well, she’s already
with someone else, so.. there’s no chance whatsoever.
The thing is that I can’t let her out of my mind, and that’s taking me onto
a deep depression. I can barely concentrate on my own stuff. Everytime I can
I invite her out to dinner, to a movie. I keep giving her big roses, buying
her CD’s that I know she like.. I mean, I still think all the time bout her.
The other day I walked outside a music store and the first thing that popped
into my mind is what record can I buy *for her*.. Same stuff when going to a
flower store.. Or when I’m travelling overseas.. a gift.. a souvenir..
whatever thing that can be catalogued as
She’s like a drug. I need her caress to live. it’s more like gasoline.. We
still talk once or twice a day.
My friend says I became obsessed with the girl. It’s not true love.. just
I’m jelaous of her friends and of her current bf.. Not in a violent way
though. I just swallow the pain… silently…
I’ve been into psycologist and all she says to me is that I must stop seeing
her for once and all. But I can’t..
I don’t have many friends.. you can count them with the fingers on one
What can I do?
Thanks for reading so far.
Thingsfalnapar 2009-05-17 05:02:45
You always want what you cant have. I go threw the same thing. its
just the way we are as humans, ya know? We always remembered the good
things about what we had, but never the bad. Perhaps if you were with
her again, youd slowly remember why you lost your feelings for her to
Alex 2009-05-17 05:02:48
I dunno… I feel like I grew up a little bit since then, and I might handle
the situation in a different manner.. At least I won’t be mad if she let me
try again ….
Although I do know that there’s no rewind button, I still think that she’s
the only one for me..
One of the things we achieved throughout our current relationship as close
friends is confidence. We can talk about everything, it’s like there are no
boundaries. I told her many times that I’ll wait for her, no matter how long
it takes.. that I love her.. and she keeps replying “You’ll change your mind
later.. dont wait for me.. you’ll find someone else.”
Obviously that discourages me… and my mind doesn’t (want to?) understand
and accept the fact that she’s with someone else and it will be easier for
her if I just forget bout the entire business.
The fact that I helped her a lot through her depression makes her want to
“return the favor” to me (in a very deep and authentic way, not seeing it as
an obligation) and that’s why she helps me..
Luca t. 2009-05-17 05:02:58
I don’t think that ruining the friendship you have with her will help
you at all. I believe that if you do as the psycologist said you will
feel even worse.
IMO you should stay close to her, as a good friend, i know, it hurts to
see her being happy with other persons that aren’t you, but if you do
love her then you should give her your support and let her do what makes
her happy. When you love someone you want them to be happy, even if this
makes you feel like s***.
Be her best-friend if you cannot be her boy-friend, maybe one day she
will see that you still love her… but even if this doesn’t happen, at
least, you have got a best-friend.
Alex 2009-05-17 05:03:01
I’m trying to do just that.. mm trying is a good word.
I told her many times that I loved her, that I’d like to be with her again,
and that I’d be crazy just to kiss her lips again, but when you are in love
with someone else .. well, most of the times you dont give a d*** about
someone else wanting to be with you, specially if you are OK with your
Now I just ask her to help me pass through this situation in the best
She once told me “You don’t love me.. you just want things to be like it
used to be…”
Electro 2009-05-17 09:44:42
it’s a rough place you’re in. I know, I’ve been down a similar path. I
broke up with this girl.. ..we both eventually ended up with others..
…down the road she wanted to get back together with me, and I turned her
down, (because I was in a relationship at the time). She ended up in a
relationship with an old friend of mine. I regret our breakup in the first
place, it was so petty and I could’ve tried harder.. ..and I immediately
regretted turning her down even more. I was still in love with her.
She’s now married and has a kid.
The thing is, we are still friends. We don’t hang out all the time, or
connect as deeply.. .but the understanding is there, and always will be.
The other thing is.. ..even tho I love her.. ..I also love others. I did
move on past her awhile ago now, and have been through several other
relationships. I still pine, on some level or another, for each one that I
let get away.. ..but from a general stand-point. She is not the “one” to
fulfill me, none of them were. I don’t know if that person actually exists
or not.. ..and if they do.. ..as I understand it.. ..I won’t have to try to
hard to find them.. ..it’ll just happen when it may.
Anyway.. ..matters of the heart can’t be easily wrought out.. ..but I hope
you can stay strong for yourself – you’re walking a painful path. I don’t
recommend your shrink’s advice either.. .but give her/yourself some space
nonetheless, to gain some perspective. Regardless, when you’re always
around to fulfill something that her bf might be lacking, how could she
ever realize this unless you’re out of the picture?
Alex 2009-05-17 09:44:49
Reading you now is like visualizing me me some years ahead.. – except for
the several other relationships -. She has been so far my first gf.. and
well.. the only one and still it’s difficult to un-attach..
In fact, right now I’m holding my hands trying not to dial her number..
Trying to concentrate in my own studying but I can’t focus… it’s a vicious
But yes, we do have a close relationship. We hang out almost every week or
two, usually it’s me inviting her to a movie, some place to eat.. Just for
the pleasure of seeing her, touching her (like making a caress on her face),
and talking to her. That makes me feel sooo good.. Untill she leaves … 🙁
Good point… I try to do that sometimes… by not being _me_ who calls her
all the time..
Also, after almost two months of “therapy” (one of them were merely tests
(Roscharch, and such)) I’m dumping my shrink.. The thing is that she always
tells me what *I want to hear*.. And well.. I can’t afford it anymore.. it’s
expensive enough for me..
She tells me things like if a course is too complicated for me.. “just leave
it”.. The last thing she came with was that I was very anxious and therefore
it will be good to leave college for a year and have therapy with her.. OK,
I feel depressed, but I don’t know if I’m really that bad to get
medication.. I talked to my ex-gf who suffers endogenic depression and she
doesn’t want me to take meds cause it will be worse, as mine it’s a purely
Psycho gave me a diagnosis of what I have – none that I do not know
already – and there has been no advance since that “discovery”
Well, that makes sense.. She once told me that every friend of hers fills
something that non of the others can do, for instance, her bf always makes
pressure on her bout studying. He doesn’t help her with that. He lets her
search for what she needs. If something is wrong, it’s her fault for not
studying hard enough.
I’m the one who tells her that “everything is gonna be okay.. Just push hard
enough until you feel comfortable with. Dont pressure yourself beyond your
own limits”.. and so on.. Sometimes when you feel really bad, you need to
hear something not harsh enough just to recover from a blue..
Thanks for your words..
Travis king 2009-05-17 09:44:56
I had almost the same idea going on with me in a way. A girl I asked over 2
years ago now that rejected me and didn’t want to be friends. Even after
that, I still liked her for some reason. I don’t know why. She was mean to
me and said mean things about me behind my back, but I still continued to
like her. I went on this newsgroup and asked about that and they told me to
forget about her. I still had trouble about it, but finally, I started to
forget about her. My grandma has a trailer up north in a trailer park by
the lake that I have always enjoyed, but not until this year did I leave the
trailer constantly to go outside and be social with everyone else in the
trailer park. This was my version of medicine. It got my mind off of
things, it let me come out of my shell, and it also let me think, who cares
what someone thinks of me? I should still just drop it and have fun. It
really made a difference. I’ve been feeling better ever since, even though
we closed up the trailer for the Winter. When I was out in the trailer
park, it made me realize how nice most people are, which helped me think
that the girl I now used to like was a “witch” if you will. Since then, I
have decided that I’ll just have to accept anything that happens to me. I
still have never had a girlfriend yet as I’m nearing an adult, but I decided
oh well. I’d rather wait for someone really nice and caring to come around
than be in a rush to get a girlfriend because I feel like it. If I never
get a girlfriend, I guess I’ll have to accept that and make the best of my
life with what I’ve got. Now in your situation, some of it might be
different. Like the others are saying, since she’s obviously a caring and
nice person, you should keep in touch with her. You should be friends
(really good friends). The key is to be a really good friend with her
without conflicting with her current relationship because if you conflict
with her current relationship, she may get anger towards you. You should
still feel really good about yourself for making her feel a lot better about
herself. Let’s put it this way, would it feel better to be really good
friends with her or enemies? If you get any opportunity to have a really
good friend, take it and run with it. Maybe try doing something you enjoy
doing very much to help you get your mind off of the problem for awhile
anyhow. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a girl out there’s that you’ll like
even more. You are in a very difficult situation, but there’s always a
solution. Just like a math problem that you don’t understand, if you work
through it, keep trying, get help, and work some more at it, you’ll get the
correct answer. It may take time, (a lot of time) but make the best of your
life as you can. I still to this day don’t understand the point of life and
why we’re here, but at least we should try to make the best of it. We’d all
like to hear how things are going. Keep letting us know how things are and
take care. Hope things pan out.
Luca t. 2009-05-17 09:44:59
Don’t worry about this Travis, i found my (ex)-girlfriend at the age of
22/23 (now i am 27)… before her i never had a gf.
Don’t be in a hurry for it… it will happen one day. There is no need
to force things, take your time, one little step at time… it is your
life, don’t let others interfere with it or decide when you should or
shouldn’t have a gf (or even a bf).
Oh and btw… i found my ex-gf here, on this NG, she now lives far away
with another boy, but we are still good friends 🙂
Alex 2009-05-17 09:45:03
Thank you so much for replying.. !
Sometimes I’ve made conflict into her own relationship, making she and her
bf became mad b/c of me, I wasn’t looking for it though, it just happened..
and then forgotten.
I’ve thought that because I’m her ex-bf I’d get some sort of “special
treatment”, I mean, not like “any-other-friend of hers.”.. For some time it
worked great, until her current bf start making pressure on her that what
she was doing wasn’t allright.
This week has been weird, I’ve barely talked to her.. Maybe that’s good for
me.. She’s like a drug, I need her, but if she doesn’t call me maybe I’ll
feel more de-intoxicated.
I’ve never been a social-get-along-with-anybody kinda guy, it costs me too
much to get into a conversation with someone, if I’m making the first move.
I do not like sports, I’m not a good reader, I don’t travel that much
either, so sometimes I feel I don’t have any subject to talk to someone.
If someone asks me something or needs help, no problem, I can keep the
conversation from there. I harldy even know new people, though I hope to do
it next year, when I’ll enter a new college
Starting from next wed, I will be going to a new shrink, hope this one helps
me out, although I know 90% of the effort must come from me and I must *do*
I’m convinced that if I meet more people, eventually I’ll get her out of my
mind (and see her only as a friend) and that’s a battle I’ve been liberating
with my own since years ago…
Alex 2009-05-17 09:45:06
En news:3ucdnjF10c8siU1@individual.net, Luca T. escribi :
The thing is that sometimes you just feel that “your time” is passing away,
and nothing happens..
It’s the feeling that you’ll be 30 for example (I’m not that old though) and
still lonely 🙁
And all of your friends either are graduated, married or have children
Travis king 2009-05-17 09:45:17
You mentioned earlier something about how you’ll be 30 with no girlfriend or
something along those lines with everyone else you know being married etc.
Let’s put it in this way. (In a computer way.) Someone might get this new,
powerful machine that brags about it all the time, but two years later, you
get a new computer that’s even more powerful and better than that other
person’s machine. In other words, the more patient you are, the better off
you’ll be. Like Luca told me, take it slow. It works better this way.
Travis king 2009-05-17 09:45:19
Wow! You found your ex-gf on here. That’s neat. I guess that goes to show
you that you can find gf’s or bf’s just about anywhere.