Dread_oh_dread 2011-12-23 09:23:08
Tomorrow I go in for my first counseling session with the shrink
[assuming she IS an actually psychiatrist] here on campus. In a way, I
feel like there is no need for me to go, and that there is nothing
wrong with me. But even if I am not actually BPD, I share almost all
of its symptoms and need to get help for them somehow. Drugs don’t
help, I can’t help myself, and cutting sure as h*** doesn’t help.
I just need to somehow get the point out to my shrink that I am there
for HELP, not just to vent about teenage problems.
****Here is an exert from a Livejournal post I made about this whole
ordeal, it was a conversation I had between a friend and I****
….I message Ryan and start off talking to Ryan about old LJ entries
from back when we were dating. He starts to get sad, and then it turns
into him venting about how he doesn’t know what my deal is. How
breaking up hasn’t fized my random spurts of hate and loathing for
him…and how I can’t stop it..
with me i just feel like im floating
do this assigment here
free time here
pass it somehow
sometimes i dont want you to leave
sometimes i dont want you to even look at me
i dont understand it
sometimes i feel like it’s some sort of imbalance or something
i think i’ve said this before
i think that i do, in all honesty. when i started to do the same thing
with you that i did with all my other “friends” i kinda realized the
which is f***** up because theres nothing i can do about that
i can assure you they have medication for it
im to…intelligent for couseling
if i HAD meds i wouldnt take them
depends on their effectiveness i would wager
if you started taking them and you started having healthy happy
you’d take them every day
I type in some of my symptoms on Google and come across something
called Borderline Personality Disorder
“Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with
marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate,
close connections…The person may manipulate others and often has
difficulty with trusting others…There is also emotional instability
with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to
irritability and anxiety…A person with this disorder can often be
bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent”
what is it?
borderline personality disorder
even before i knew thsi existed i knew that SOMETHING was f***** up
this is bringing tears to MY eyes now
i dont want to be flawed
but i mean
you recognize the problem right?
in my eyes you arne’t flawed
i know the person you are
you’re a great friend
something just ticks almost
something just ticks almost
for the both of us
He says that all descriptions he reads about BPD, unfortunately, sound
just like me. I read them, and to me the descirption of the “disorder”
sounds like normal occurances. Not a disorder, more like personality
issues. But a disorder? Something which requires THERAPY and
MEDICATION? A LABEL? No, even if that IS me I don’t want to be that. I
don’t want to enter in the whole psychiactric scense…again.
I’m really really confused.
Should I look further into this I wonder?
Should I leave things as they are? Hope that there is nothing wrong
with me and that I’m just an oddball, a weirdo?
****An exert from a post I made in a Livejournal BPD community****
Walking through the halls of my dorm, I look at all the closed doors
and hear people inside laughing and having a good time. I think to
myself…I’ll never be able to have that. Or atleast, I will never be
able to have that AND maintain it…heh. All close relationships I have
with ANYONE are doomed to fail. I’ve always thought that maybe I just
sucked at being social, or maybe I was just a very very introverted
person. Because I’ve never been able to open myself up to someone who
hadn’t gained my trust yet or to someone I’d only known a few days.
But, enlight of this new threat- BPD, I think to myself that maybe I am
not doomed to fail at social and intimate relationships with people.
Maybe if I get “help” then somehow I can fix things. Maybe I can be
But then I tell myself I’m overreacting, and that there is NOTHING
wrong me. That I don’t have a disorder and that I’m just a f***** up
individual who is either too selfish or whatever to keep those close to
her close for long. But thing is, I am a very kind person. I’ll do
anything to help someone out. So why do I cause my best friend
pain…and ENJOY it?
When I look back on my sophmore and junior year of highschool [I’m a
freshman in college now] and how depressed I was, when I was cutting
myself and drowning my emptyness inside me, I wonder what caused it.
Till this day I don’t know why I was so sad. I still get down sometimes
now- most times for no reason, but I wouldn’t say I’m depressed.
Because I’m not. I may feel depressed for those few hours, day, or
days, but its not an ongoing thing.
Looking back on my childhood,
my mother took good care of me.
As did the rest of my family.
The only thing I was lacking were children my age to interact with, but
that didn’t bother me.
The only…problem that I had occured when I was 12. I was spending the
night at my Grandma’s house and my cousing came over. He was only a
year or two older than I, so the age difference wasn’t that big of a
difference. I was alright with him being there- we actually had fun
playing and watching tv. Everything was fine…until he started
touching me. I didn’t try to resist him. I just blanked out. Thinking
back on it, it was such a filthy f****** thing for him to do. We both
were sitting on the couch with our Grandma to our direct left sitting
in her recliner watching TV. What he does…is puts a f****** pillow- A
F****** PILLOW over my crotch and then has his way. Then later on that
night [unfortunately he spent the night] he tries to come into my room
where I was going to sleep, but my Grandpa walks in and he gets scared
and goes to his own room. The next day, that morning, we’re up [alone] and he decides that we should play “doggies” and wrestles around on the
floor…and manages to land on top of of me. He tried to get in my
pants, but I manage to get up and avoid him. The worst part of the
expierence with him, and the last [thank God] was when something
actually happened. I’m not sure how far it went. My memory of the event
is fuzzy- even while it was happening I wasn’t there. I was inside
myself thinking about how wrong this was and how I should stop this.
But at the same time, for some odd reason, I didn’t want to tell him to
stop. For some odd f****** reason…I didn’t want to hurt him.
I’ve told few souls about that,
I’m somewhat hesitant about posting it-
I wouldn’t if I didn’t think that could have effected me in some
Last night while talking with a friend [actually…my ex-boyfriend AND
friend] I came upon a realization. Something that I wish I would not
have realized..because now I am really confused.
First, background information…
Ryan [my friend] and I have had a very rollercoaster-like relationship.
The problems didn’t start until we got close with one another. Before
we became close friends, he was just a buddy whom I’d sit with in class
and eat lunch with. We never saw each other outside of school, and
rarely ever talked with each other online.
But one day, for my birthday, I invited him over and we hung out. After
that, we started talking online with each other- sometimes for hours
until the wee hours of the morning. Soon I felt like I’d created this
indestructable bond with him. I felt like he completed me, and could
possibly be the one to permanently bring me out of my depression.
My depression has been an ongoing thing since around 10th grade. During
this time I isolated myself from my family and withdrew into my mind. I
brooded with my lonliness and kept myself drugged up most of the time.
During my 10th and 11th grade years alone, I probably spent hundreds of
dollars of Robitussin [the chemical that controls cough,
dextromethrophan, in large doses provides a psychedelic dissociative
like high similar to ketamine]. I was mentally addicted to “dexing” as
it was called, and I also dabbled with a few pills [mainly
Benzodiazapams] whenever I could get some.
But almost every day I’d wake up in a filth, something that no matter
hard I tried, I couldn’t get rid of. I cut myself. I told myself it was
so I wouldn’t feel so numb, but to this date I’m not sure why I cut
myself. It seemed…satisfying in a way. Even after numerous trips to
the shrink and a script of Lexapro, things were still gray.
But no, now Ryan somehow seemed like he would be the one to save me.
And we got closer and closer to one another. We were together so much
that going without each other for a day was torture. Eventually our
friendship escalated into a sexual friendship until ultimately we
We f***** each other only a few weeks after we started dating. And we
continued to do so for months. The s** was really fun to me, in the
sense that afterwards it would always leave me feeling empty. [I am not
a sexually charged person…] But in a way it was fufilling.
Only a month or so after we had started to go out, the episodes began.
There was some dirtyness- some underlying SOMETHING there with him that
wasn’t there before. Just by thinking about this in a matter of minutes
I would go from loving him to hating him. I’d treat him as if he was
inferior to me, and say hurtful things to him. For some reason I felt
no remore while I was doing it. Sometimes I would intentionally hurt
him by hitting him, kicking him, or biting him. This would last from a
day or two to an entire week. Then, as abruptly as it came, the “funk”
[as I like to call it] would lift off of me, and I would feel horrible
for what I’d done- not knowing exactly WHY I did it to him. I loved
him. He ment everything to me. Why would I want to hurt him?
This patteren continued throughout our senior year of highschool. Ryan
truly loved me and cared for me, so eventhough he would be broken
hearted, he never left me. He just took my insults. Alot of times I
would talk about how he was below my potential and I could do much much
better than him.
But he stuck with me. My depression, for the most part, regressed into
these brief episodic moments where life would seem flat and
meaningless, but it would never last long.
Now here I am in college.
I broke up with Ryan around a month ago, but he still loves me and
cares for me. And I still need him as a friend, so we still hang around
each other. But breaking up hasnt stoped my abuse of him. If anything
it has increased because I don’t have as much guilt as I would if we
were still going out.
But back to last night’s conversation.
We were talking about how I can’t break the cycle of being his friend
then turning around and hating him and making him feel like s***. I
tell him that I just can’t help it and that how in a matter of minutes
I can go from seeing him as my best friend whom I care about deepy to
someone who I hate and who I can take pleasure in making them sad.
I tell him how it’s just…happens.
He says then that sometimes he wonders if it’s an imbalance.
Being curious myself, I Google my “symptoms” and after a while come
across BPD. While reading it I felt like I was reading an entry out of
my Livejournal or something. I sent him a link that describes BPD, and
after reading it he said “I hate to admit it, but this fits you to a T”
But I would not beleive this if Ryan were the only person whom I’d
become close too and then pushed away. But throughout my life I’ve
always had problems sustaining close relationships with people.
Eventhough I’m somewhat a shy and quiet person, I have no problem
interacting with people. But when it comes to having intimite
friendships or relationships with people, I’ve never been able to
sustain one for a long period of time. I’ve never known why every
“best” friend I’ve hadm I’ve always blamed it on my inability to be
social and outgoing. Or maybe I was too “weird” for most people to hang
around for a long time.
But reading this…
it all makes sense.
The drug use [when I’m dexed, I feel at east with myself- even now I
do], the ruined relationships, my mood swings…or then again, does it
make sense because I want it to make sense?
I’m so confused,
should I actually try and get “help” for my “problem?”
Im an 18 year old female at Appalachian State University. There is a
psychiactric service here on campus. Should I make an appointment?
Part of me says no, because there is no problem- that if I’ve been able
to go this long that I should tough it out for the rest of my life.
Another part says no because I’d rather hold it all inside and battle
it own my own just to keep my mom happy- I don’t want her to worry like
she did when I was going to counseling in highschool. Then again…a
small part of me says yes, that I’m missing out on so much beauty in
life because of my turmoil.
People tell me how nice of a person I am, and how beautiful I am. But
those are people who I pass in the halls and wave hi to, or people who
I may sit down and talk with for a few minutes. Those people dont know
the real me. They don’t know how cold and empty I feel sometimes, and
how I feel so ugly and how I hate myself. But they don’t have to know.
To them, I’m able to smile and wave at. I can be cheery and they can
think all these happy things about me and great things. They will never
know the extent of my pain. I won’t let them.
I just need SOMETHING.
I really am afraid to go to the counselor. Part of the reason being
that I wouldn’t know where to start. I mean, talking with me I seem
like a very happy intelligent young lady. Would they get the same
impression and blame my problems on stress or teenage angst? Would they
not take me seriously? Plus I have no idea where to start…I can’t go
in there and tell him that I fear I have BPD. They would think I was
being too presumptious or am a hypochondriac. [Even though to an extent
I am- when it comes to physical ailments I secretly wish that I would
come down with something horrible. I’ve wished that I would get
pneumonia or get cancer…I think it’s the fact that if that happens, I
will be surrounded by lots of loving faces and I would feel loved]
I think if I went I would show them my posts and LJ entries Ive made
over the years. Maybe..?
Sleeper 2011-12-23 09:23:18
Perhaps you could bring the text from your message with you. It seems
~flower~ 2011-12-23 09:23:45
I agree with Julie, bring those copies with you. It might make it alot
easier. Sometimes it is so overwhelming to explain things, and you
have already done it once. Even print out your post here.
Write anything else down that you have question wise. Then you
won’t be trying to remember everything.
taking basic info that you don’t get right into things then.
I read so much of me in your post. I freaked out a bit too when I
was told BPD. But knowing something can help you. So look at the
I hope it went okay for you. Good Luck.