Indigo moon ma 2015-12-09 12:16:33
TITANIC – THE 5 MINUTE VERSION
My, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?
KATE’S WEASELY FIANCE:
Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an
artist named “Picasso.” I am certain he will amount to nothing.
Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our ’90s audience, because of
course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.
Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many
Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
Thank you. So are you.
I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
“brooding” face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back
again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be
While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my
fiancee’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt
because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to
my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates
me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water.
Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus,
you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we
hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is
coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
* * *
I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment
to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the
backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that
I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY
angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course you
will have to take off all your clothes.
But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?
I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is
in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will
According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
* * *
Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.
Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
That can’t be good.
That was irony, you fools.
Baa! Moo! Where’s Leonardo?
* * *
I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
That is terrible.
Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
Excuse me, I–
(aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here.
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-
somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff
you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with
water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
Why don’t you just shoot me?
Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me.
Of course, you’re going to die anyway–
Don’t spoil it for us! Boo!
He’s right, though. I am doomed.
Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.
I hate you people.
* * *
And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped
me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for
having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and
not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now,
and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper?
I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt.
You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was–hey! Don’t
you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I’d turn you over my
knee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge
diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)