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1 1st June 06:28
james hall
External User
 
Posts: 1
Default Idiots Abound - Enjoy On A Weekly Basis - My Pleasure (right-wing)


The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 124)
September 1, 2003
Whistle-Ass Edition

The Whistle-Ass Administration
Want to hear the misAdministration's latest excuse for the lack
of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? I'm warning you: this
excuse is so weak that if you asked it to walk ten paces it would
say "Screw that, I'm going back to bed." Okay, here goes.
Administration officials said last week that they are suddenly
concerned that all the bullet-proof, solid-as-a-lump-of-titanium
evidence they'd gathered about WMD may have actually been
stinking, rotten lies passed on to them by - gasp - Iraqi double
agents. That's right, the Administration is now alledging that
Saddam Hussein sent out spies to spread false rumors that Iraq
was in possession of WMD, thus forcing the United States to tip
its hand and invade. I'm sorry, I'm writing this down but it's
just making no sense. Saddam Hussein sent spies to convince U.S.
intelligence officials that he had WMD when he really didn't, so
that we would invade his country, remove him from power, kill his
sons, and kill him if we ever got our hands on him? And we were
completely fooled by this ruse? I actually can't believe the
Administration has sunk this low. It's pathetic. Oh, and by the
way, guess where this latest information has come from: believe
it or not, "former Iraqi intelligence agents." Boy, all that
British intelligence must have really ****ed if our government is
now relying on the word of people who used to spy for Saddam
Hussein to convince America that we were right to invade Iraq.
What next?

The Republican Party
Next time you hear a Republican complaining about how Democrats
are un-American, ask them this question: why is the Republican
party outsourcing its fundraising activity to Asia? That's right,
believe it or not, and despite the patriotic God-Bless-America
rhetoric the party likes to spew, the GOP is using call centers
in Gurgaon and Noida in India to raise funds for the party and
for George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential campaign.
"Enthusiastic fund-raisers" in India will now be cold-calling
American familes (probably either right around dinner-time or at
six o'clock in the morning) using a panhandling process which
involves a "high degree of automation in order to limit human
intervention." So basically the GOP is employing robots in India
to try and scrounge money off of Americans. How patriotic. Seems
to me that we have plenty of unemployed people in America right
now who could do this job, but then that would probably be too
expensive and you can hardly blame the GOP for wanting to look
abroad for cheap labor. I mean, duh. Geez, you'd think we wanted
them to stimulate the economy or something. Not that most of the
unemployed people in America are going to want to do jack shit
for George Whistle-Ass Bush anyway, and rightly so. Hey, I have a
question: if the Republican Party is leaving America, does that
mean they don't love it any more...?

Brit Hume
Thanks to our friends at Buzzflash for pointing this one out. Fox
News anchor Brit Hume was spotted recently telling his viewers in
an oh-so-fair-and-balanced way that American soldiers are less
likely to be murdered in Iraq than regular Americans living in
California. See? Our troops are perfectly safe! So how does Mr.
Hume come to this conclusion? Why, like any fair-and-balanced
journalist should - in a thoroughly scientific, common sense
manner. Here's Brit's theory: since Iraq is "roughly the same
geographical size" as California, and 6.6 Americans are murdered
every day in California compared to 1.7 Americans in Iraq, isn't
it obvious that Americans are safer in Iraq? Well sure, if you
use the completely bogus "land area" argument that conservatives
like to trot out at disturbingly regular intervals (see the
right-wing map that claims Bush won the 2000 election by a
landslide). However, since there are 38 million Americans in
California and only 170,000 in Iraq, it turns out that Americans
are actually 66 times more likely to die in Iraq. It's no
surprise that Fox News (new motto: Wholly Without Merit) wants to
downplay the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq - after all,
they and their viewers positioned themselves as the only real
pro-Americans in the the United States. Now it's not looking
quite so pro-American to unquestioningly support George
Whistle-Ass Bush, they're getting a little desperate. But Brit
Hume is supposed to be a journalist for crying out loud. Fair and
balanced? He should despise himself for misleading the public in
such a fashion. It's hard to imagine even Rush Limbaugh sinking
this low.

Marc Racicot
Get ready to jump out of your seat and kick the cat! According to
the Associated Press, George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential
campaign is "appealing for donations by portraying Bush as a
fund-raising underdog." But... but... but... isn't Bush on target
to raise an unprecedented $200 million dollars for his campaign?
Isn't he holding $2000-a-plate fundraising dinners all over the
place? Didn't he smash fundraising records during his previous
campaign? Pah! According to campaign chairman Marc Racicot, all
of that is completely irrelevant. In a fundraising email to


president during the nomination battle than we will have to
defend him. Cough-bullshit-cough." Look, if the people who
support the GOP are really this gullible, they damn well deserve
George W. Bush for another four years. Mind you, it's not really
any surprise that Bush's campaign is reaching out to supporters
by appealing to utter stupidity. After all, that is their target
demographic.

Wally O'Dell
Diebold, the company which manufactures electronic voting
machines that are in use in several states, have been walking a
particularly fine line recently considering accusations that
their machines are easily hacked/re-programmed to alter voting
totals after an election. But a recent revelation alledges a
startling motive for the dubious security surrounding their
machines. It turns out that Wally O'Dell, CEO of Diebold Inc.,
sent out fundraising letters last week to Ohio Republicans asking
them to donate $10,000 towards an Ohio Republican Party event at
his home. Yup. The CEO of a company that makes voting machines is
holding Republican Party events at his house. Boy, that doesn't
sound like a conflict of interest. But check this out: O'Dell
says in his letter that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver
its electoral votes to the President next year." Holy Possibility
Of Foul Play, Batman! Can this guy be serious? Let's just check
the facts one more time: Wally O'Dell is the CEO of Diebold,
which makes voting machines which are alleged to be easy to hack.
Wally O'Dell says that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver
its electoral votes to the President next year." Excuse me, I
have to go pick my jaw up off the floor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
So we still don't know a great deal about Arnold's plans for
California should he become governor, but we do know this: he's
got a great big penis and he's not afraid to use it. Well, so he
says. According to an interview in Playboy spinoff Oui magazine
back in 1977, Arnold has partaken in bodybuilder ****es (ewww -
how much grease do you need for something like that?) and has
also acknowledged that the ladies used to be fascinated by
"little Conan." Said the gubernatorial hopeful, "Women have told
me they're curious about its size - you know, outgoing chicks
who're just trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of
lines, including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it
means nothing. Bodybuilders' ****s are the same size as everyone
else's." Really? Is that before or after they pump themselves
full of steroids? Because I've heard rumors about that stuff you
know. Oh and by the way, if you want to amuse your friends just
read the previous quote again, this time out loud in an
outrageous Austrian accent. Guaranteed laughs, I'm telling ya.
Anyway, here's some more classic Arnold, this time on women's
issues: "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if
she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good
****, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care." Impressive stuff.
Sadly though, while Arnold is clearly a true believer in equality
for women (as long as they're a "good ****") he's not so keen on
equality for ***s. Appearing on Sean Hannity's show last week -
well, I say "show" but as far as entertainment goes I think I'd
rather be forced to listen to a three-hour-long greaseless
bodybuilder **** - Mr. Schwarzenegger announced that "***
marriage should be between a man and a woman." See that? A simple
solution to a complex problem. Give this guy the governor's job
already!
Fox News
While we're on the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's
probably worth taking a look a last week's Drudge Report.
Apparently Fox News honcho John Murphy is sick and tired of all
the puns being made about Arnold and has ordered his news
reporters to stop it. So if you want to hear more "Total Recall"
and "Running Man" gags, you're going to have to go somewhere
else. But do we detect a little desperation from Fox News here?
Could it be that they are worried that people won't take their
candidate seriously? According to Drudge, Moody wrote in an
internal Fox memo last week, "The urge may seem irresistible to
play off Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting career ... Resist it.
Otherwise the effect is often to belittle the candidacy of the
front-runner for one of the most important offices in the U.S.,
and that's not fair and balanced ... Certainly don't suggest he
is part of a 'circus' or lump him in with novelty candidates."
What, Arnold "Oh, you're hurting me, you're so big"
Schwarzenegger, a novelty candidate? Perish the thought.

Elaine Chao
Here's a great piece of news for working Americans, just in time
for Labor Day: if you're one of the millions of Americans who
relies on being paid time-and-a-half for overtime work, the Bush
administration would like to say SCREW YOU, BUD! Yes, Elaine Chao
announced a new Whistle-Ass plan last week which will end
time-and-a-half for good. You won't have heard about this because
it's buried deep inside the Federal Reigster, but Greg Palast has
an excellent account on his website. Apparently while the plan
will end overtime pay for veterans (nice, huh?), it does extend
benefits to certain employees - and then promptly tells business
owners how to avoid federal law, by simply paying those employees
time-and-a-half and then reducing their overall pay so they don't
actually make any extra money. Sounds like "pulling yourself up
by the bootstraps" might get a whole lot harder once Bush and Co.
are done with this country.

The White House Press Corps
If you thought the media was supposed to be a guardian of our
freedoms, the trusted protector of truth and honesty, well...
where have you been, Mars? Wake up and smell the coffee! Last
week Our Great Leader invited the White House press corps to a
little barbecue at his pig farm - um, I mean, ranch - in
Crawford, Texas. Of course, these stalwart journalists all
declined the invitation on the grounds that it might impair their
objectivity if they were seen to be cavorting with the president.
Did I just write that? In your dreams did they decline. According
to the Washington Post, "...some 50 journalists and camera crews,
along with a dozen aides and as many Secret Service agents, piled
into a half-dozen white vans for the drive to the heavily
fortified Bush ranch" where they loaded up on "beer from coolers
and Australian (read: not French) red wine," not to mention
"fried chicken, potato salad, coleslaw, jalapeno biscuits and
peach cobbler." And what was discussed at this little shindig?
I'm afraid we can't tell you, because Bush insisted that all
conversations were strictly off the record. Although allegedly
the journalists were "forced to acknowledge that Prairie Chapel
Ranch is not such an awful place after all." Right. So the real
question is, what self-respecting journalist would sacrifice
their credibility for the opportunity to schmooze with
Whistle-Ass for a few hours? Answer: all of them, apparently.


Dr. Jack Clemmons
And finally: Jack Clemmons, superintendent of the Lubbock (Texas)
Independent School District last year banned students from
forming a *** Straight Alliance group (purpose: "to provide
support for *** and straight students and promote equality in the
school system and community"). Managing to roll ignorance and
bigotry into a nice neat ball, Lubbock said "I would have denied
other clubs whose basis was ***. I would have denied a Bestiality
Club. I would have denied a Gigolo Club. I would have denied a
Prostitute Club." How about a hypocrisy club? Jack Clemmons could
be the founding member. See, while the superintendent was busy
banning all things ***-related in his school district, he was
apparently conducting an extra-marital affair with an employee on
school property, and using school computers to send her dirty
emails. The emails turned up as part of a lawsuit which Lambda
Legal is filing on behalf of the *** Straight Alliance group
against the Lubbock Independent School District - the messages
were written on school computers, so by law they are part of the
public record. I know you're dying for a sample, so here goes:
"You should know by now that I mean that I will begin by giving
you a kiss but that it will soon lead to a..." Nah, that one's
pretty boring. How about: "I will give you an additional $500.00
.... If you will get totally ***** with me here in the office.
What do you think? I am serious. You would have to be ***** and
allow me to..." Stop right there! I've heard enough! The really
funny thing is that apparently less than five hours after he
wrote that last email, Clemmons appeared on local TV to defend
the school district's abstinence-only *** education policy. Ah,
conservatives. Hours and hours of free entertainment. See you
next week!
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2 1st June 06:29
james hall
External User
 
Posts: 1
Default Idiots Abound - Enjoy On A Weekly Basis - My Pleasure (right-wing)


The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 124)
September 1, 2003
Whistle-Ass Edition

The Whistle-Ass Administration
Want to hear the misAdministration's latest excuse for the lack
of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? I'm warning you: this
excuse is so weak that if you asked it to walk ten paces it would
say "Screw that, I'm going back to bed." Okay, here goes.
Administration officials said last week that they are suddenly
concerned that all the bullet-proof, solid-as-a-lump-of-titanium
evidence they'd gathered about WMD may have actually been
stinking, rotten lies passed on to them by - gasp - Iraqi double
agents. That's right, the Administration is now alledging that
Saddam Hussein sent out spies to spread false rumors that Iraq
was in possession of WMD, thus forcing the United States to tip
its hand and invade. I'm sorry, I'm writing this down but it's
just making no sense. Saddam Hussein sent spies to convince U.S.
intelligence officials that he had WMD when he really didn't, so
that we would invade his country, remove him from power, kill his
sons, and kill him if we ever got our hands on him? And we were
completely fooled by this ruse? I actually can't believe the
Administration has sunk this low. It's pathetic. Oh, and by the
way, guess where this latest information has come from: believe
it or not, "former Iraqi intelligence agents." Boy, all that
British intelligence must have really ****ed if our government is
now relying on the word of people who used to spy for Saddam
Hussein to convince America that we were right to invade Iraq.
What next?

The Republican Party
Next time you hear a Republican complaining about how Democrats
are un-American, ask them this question: why is the Republican
party outsourcing its fundraising activity to Asia? That's right,
believe it or not, and despite the patriotic God-Bless-America
rhetoric the party likes to spew, the GOP is using call centers
in Gurgaon and Noida in India to raise funds for the party and
for George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential campaign.
"Enthusiastic fund-raisers" in India will now be cold-calling
American familes (probably either right around dinner-time or at
six o'clock in the morning) using a panhandling process which
involves a "high degree of automation in order to limit human
intervention." So basically the GOP is employing robots in India
to try and scrounge money off of Americans. How patriotic. Seems
to me that we have plenty of unemployed people in America right
now who could do this job, but then that would probably be too
expensive and you can hardly blame the GOP for wanting to look
abroad for cheap labor. I mean, duh. Geez, you'd think we wanted
them to stimulate the economy or something. Not that most of the
unemployed people in America are going to want to do jack shit
for George Whistle-Ass Bush anyway, and rightly so. Hey, I have a
question: if the Republican Party is leaving America, does that
mean they don't love it any more...?

Brit Hume
Thanks to our friends at Buzzflash for pointing this one out. Fox
News anchor Brit Hume was spotted recently telling his viewers in
an oh-so-fair-and-balanced way that American soldiers are less
likely to be murdered in Iraq than regular Americans living in
California. See? Our troops are perfectly safe! So how does Mr.
Hume come to this conclusion? Why, like any fair-and-balanced
journalist should - in a thoroughly scientific, common sense
manner. Here's Brit's theory: since Iraq is "roughly the same
geographical size" as California, and 6.6 Americans are murdered
every day in California compared to 1.7 Americans in Iraq, isn't
it obvious that Americans are safer in Iraq? Well sure, if you
use the completely bogus "land area" argument that conservatives
like to trot out at disturbingly regular intervals (see the
right-wing map that claims Bush won the 2000 election by a
landslide). However, since there are 38 million Americans in
California and only 170,000 in Iraq, it turns out that Americans
are actually 66 times more likely to die in Iraq. It's no
surprise that Fox News (new motto: Wholly Without Merit) wants to
downplay the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq - after all,
they and their viewers positioned themselves as the only real
pro-Americans in the the United States. Now it's not looking
quite so pro-American to unquestioningly support George
Whistle-Ass Bush, they're getting a little desperate. But Brit
Hume is supposed to be a journalist for crying out loud. Fair and
balanced? He should despise himself for misleading the public in
such a fashion. It's hard to imagine even Rush Limbaugh sinking
this low.

Marc Racicot
Get ready to jump out of your seat and kick the cat! According to
the Associated Press, George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential
campaign is "appealing for donations by portraying Bush as a
fund-raising underdog." But... but... but... isn't Bush on target
to raise an unprecedented $200 million dollars for his campaign?
Isn't he holding $2000-a-plate fundraising dinners all over the
place? Didn't he smash fundraising records during his previous
campaign? Pah! According to campaign chairman Marc Racicot, all
of that is completely irrelevant. In a fundraising email to


president during the nomination battle than we will have to
defend him. Cough-bullshit-cough." Look, if the people who
support the GOP are really this gullible, they damn well deserve
George W. Bush for another four years. Mind you, it's not really
any surprise that Bush's campaign is reaching out to supporters
by appealing to utter stupidity. After all, that is their target
demographic.

Wally O'Dell
Diebold, the company which manufactures electronic voting
machines that are in use in several states, have been walking a
particularly fine line recently considering accusations that
their machines are easily hacked/re-programmed to alter voting
totals after an election. But a recent revelation alledges a
startling motive for the dubious security surrounding their
machines. It turns out that Wally O'Dell, CEO of Diebold Inc.,
sent out fundraising letters last week to Ohio Republicans asking
them to donate $10,000 towards an Ohio Republican Party event at
his home. Yup. The CEO of a company that makes voting machines is
holding Republican Party events at his house. Boy, that doesn't
sound like a conflict of interest. But check this out: O'Dell
says in his letter that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver
its electoral votes to the President next year." Holy Possibility
Of Foul Play, Batman! Can this guy be serious? Let's just check
the facts one more time: Wally O'Dell is the CEO of Diebold,
which makes voting machines which are alleged to be easy to hack.
Wally O'Dell says that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver
its electoral votes to the President next year." Excuse me, I
have to go pick my jaw up off the floor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
So we still don't know a great deal about Arnold's plans for
California should he become governor, but we do know this: he's
got a great big penis and he's not afraid to use it. Well, so he
says. According to an interview in Playboy spinoff Oui magazine
back in 1977, Arnold has partaken in bodybuilder ****es (ewww -
how much grease do you need for something like that?) and has
also acknowledged that the ladies used to be fascinated by
"little Conan." Said the gubernatorial hopeful, "Women have told
me they're curious about its size - you know, outgoing chicks
who're just trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of
lines, including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it
means nothing. Bodybuilders' ****s are the same size as everyone
else's." Really? Is that before or after they pump themselves
full of steroids? Because I've heard rumors about that stuff you
know. Oh and by the way, if you want to amuse your friends just
read the previous quote again, this time out loud in an
outrageous Austrian accent. Guaranteed laughs, I'm telling ya.
Anyway, here's some more classic Arnold, this time on women's
issues: "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if
she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good
****, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care." Impressive stuff.
Sadly though, while Arnold is clearly a true believer in equality
for women (as long as they're a "good ****") he's not so keen on
equality for ***s. Appearing on Sean Hannity's show last week -
well, I say "show" but as far as entertainment goes I think I'd
rather be forced to listen to a three-hour-long greaseless
bodybuilder **** - Mr. Schwarzenegger announced that "***
marriage should be between a man and a woman." See that? A simple
solution to a complex problem. Give this guy the governor's job
already!
Fox News
While we're on the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's
probably worth taking a look a last week's Drudge Report.
Apparently Fox News honcho John Murphy is sick and tired of all
the puns being made about Arnold and has ordered his news
reporters to stop it. So if you want to hear more "Total Recall"
and "Running Man" gags, you're going to have to go somewhere
else. But do we detect a little desperation from Fox News here?
Could it be that they are worried that people won't take their
candidate seriously? According to Drudge, Moody wrote in an
internal Fox memo last week, "The urge may seem irresistible to
play off Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting career ... Resist it.
Otherwise the effect is often to belittle the candidacy of the
front-runner for one of the most important offices in the U.S.,
and that's not fair and balanced ... Certainly don't suggest he
is part of a 'circus' or lump him in with novelty candidates."
What, Arnold "Oh, you're hurting me, you're so big"
Schwarzenegger, a novelty candidate? Perish the thought.

Elaine Chao
Here's a great piece of news for working Americans, just in time
for Labor Day: if you're one of the millions of Americans who
relies on being paid time-and-a-half for overtime work, the Bush
administration would like to say SCREW YOU, BUD! Yes, Elaine Chao
announced a new Whistle-Ass plan last week which will end
time-and-a-half for good. You won't have heard about this because
it's buried deep inside the Federal Reigster, but Greg Palast has
an excellent account on his website. Apparently while the plan
will end overtime pay for veterans (nice, huh?), it does extend
benefits to certain employees - and then promptly tells business
owners how to avoid federal law, by simply paying those employees
time-and-a-half and then reducing their overall pay so they don't
actually make any extra money. Sounds like "pulling yourself up
by the bootstraps" might get a whole lot harder once Bush and Co.
are done with this country.

The White House Press Corps
If you thought the media was supposed to be a guardian of our
freedoms, the trusted protector of truth and honesty, well...
where have you been, Mars? Wake up and smell the coffee! Last
week Our Great Leader invited the White House press corps to a
little barbecue at his pig farm - um, I mean, ranch - in
Crawford, Texas. Of course, these stalwart journalists all
declined the invitation on the grounds that it might impair their
objectivity if they were seen to be cavorting with the president.
Did I just write that? In your dreams did they decline. According
to the Washington Post, "...some 50 journalists and camera crews,
along with a dozen aides and as many Secret Service agents, piled
into a half-dozen white vans for the drive to the heavily
fortified Bush ranch" where they loaded up on "beer from coolers
and Australian (read: not French) red wine," not to mention
"fried chicken, potato salad, coleslaw, jalapeno biscuits and
peach cobbler." And what was discussed at this little shindig?
I'm afraid we can't tell you, because Bush insisted that all
conversations were strictly off the record. Although allegedly
the journalists were "forced to acknowledge that Prairie Chapel
Ranch is not such an awful place after all." Right. So the real
question is, what self-respecting journalist would sacrifice
their credibility for the opportunity to schmooze with
Whistle-Ass for a few hours? Answer: all of them, apparently.


Dr. Jack Clemmons
And finally: Jack Clemmons, superintendent of the Lubbock (Texas)
Independent School District last year banned students from
forming a *** Straight Alliance group (purpose: "to provide
support for *** and straight students and promote equality in the
school system and community"). Managing to roll ignorance and
bigotry into a nice neat ball, Lubbock said "I would have denied
other clubs whose basis was ***. I would have denied a Bestiality
Club. I would have denied a Gigolo Club. I would have denied a
Prostitute Club." How about a hypocrisy club? Jack Clemmons could
be the founding member. See, while the superintendent was busy
banning all things ***-related in his school district, he was
apparently conducting an extra-marital affair with an employee on
school property, and using school computers to send her dirty
emails. The emails turned up as part of a lawsuit which Lambda
Legal is filing on behalf of the *** Straight Alliance group
against the Lubbock Independent School District - the messages
were written on school computers, so by law they are part of the
public record. I know you're dying for a sample, so here goes:
"You should know by now that I mean that I will begin by giving
you a kiss but that it will soon lead to a..." Nah, that one's
pretty boring. How about: "I will give you an additional $500.00
.... If you will get totally ***** with me here in the office.
What do you think? I am serious. You would have to be ***** and
allow me to..." Stop right there! I've heard enough! The really
funny thing is that apparently less than five hours after he
wrote that last email, Clemmons appeared on local TV to defend
the school district's abstinence-only *** education policy. Ah,
conservatives. Hours and hours of free entertainment. See you
next week!
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