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1 16th June 16:12
garrison hilliard
External User
Posts: 1
Default Mormon stuff that is amusing (able ghost gender order science)

See what lack of skepticism can bring you?

This material is from "Richard the Lion-Heated" at

The events surrounding the Tower of Babel actually did happen. Until
then, everyone spoke the Adamic language. And when the tower was
built, a group of faithful people (who had prayed to have their
language preserved) fled to the Americas and crossed the Atlantic in
supersonic submarines with windows and shining stones. These were the
Jaredites. (See Book of Ether in the Book of Mormon.) But they were
all killed, just like the white Nephites, and that is why we don't
have any traces of their civilization, or any white descendants among
the native populations of the Americas. (Only the descendants of the
cursed group, the Lamanites, who did not pay tithing or live the Word
of Wisdom or the Law of Chastity, so they ceased to be white and
delightsome and became brown as Cain.)

All the structure, practices and rituals that exist today in the
Mormon Church have existed since Adam. Baptism, for example. Adam was
baptized, just like any Mormon today, by immersion. The Spirit dunked
him in the water, and then brought him back to the surface. (As I read
this passage in the "Pearl of Great Price" back in Seminary, I
couldn't help laughing out loud. How freaking ridiculous.)

The scriptures and leaders say that we will have to wait until the
Final Judgement in order to be assigned a kingdom of glory. Till then,
every one is waiting, either in Paradise or in the Spirit Prison.
However, Doctrine and Convenants says that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
are already gods. And I have already heard leaders say that Joseph
Smith has also become a god already. Maybe they sneaked their way in.

Families are sealed forever, and parents take great pride in the fact
that their children are sealed to them. But eventually each child will
also become a god in another planet, and there will be no such thing
as a parent-child relationship as we have today. Every "worthy" member
will be a god in some different universe. Why the bother of sealing
parents to children?

Men cannot get to the highest degree of glory alone, and neither can
women. Marriage is essential. Bachelors and spinsters will be damned
and will eternally burn in a lake of fire and brimstone, where there
is weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Oh, but spinsters will be
shown some mercy. If they pay their tithings and abstain from
cappuccinos until their last breath in mortality, the Lard will be
kind enough to give them a man in the afterlife - but she will be just
one of many wives of this faithful stud. (One more pearl in his
crown.) As for bachelors, they did not honor their penishood, so they
will have to scrub heavenly toilets, sweep celestial floors and take
out Kolobian garbage for the rest of the eternities. If they are
gifted enough, they might be allowed to play the trumpet to praise and
honor the ones who actually married forty wives and now seat in
thrones of glory. (Or are lying in celestial beds having *** in order
to populate worlds with spirit children.)

Everyone will be resurrected. Everyone will have a perfect body for
the rest of eternity, whether they end up in the celestial kingdom or
elsewhere. So those who eventually become gods will have physical
bodies and will have actual *** in order to make spirit babies to
populate their planets. So a man and a woman will have physical ***,
and the woman will get pregnant, but the child will actually be a
spirit. After nine months expecting her little ghost, the ethereal
baby is born and starts standing in line to be sent to some planet in
order to finally get a physical body. This ghost has to wait until
another couple in some planet has *** so he can again enter a womb.
And the story goes on.

The Church is so family-oriented!!! But if you don't pay one of tenth
of your income, do not give up your Coca-cola [in some areas] or do
not stop playing with yourself, you won't be able to attend the
wedding of a sibling or a child in the holy temple. And the only way
to ever see your family again in the afterlife is to pay, pray and
obey until the end. Any minor mistake, and you are alone for ever.

Even if science shows the existence of hermaphrodites, tran***uals,
bi***uals and homo***uals (and even common sense just cannot deny it),
there is no such thing according to Church doctrine. Gender was
assigned since the pre-existence, and there are no mistakes whatsoever
about it. (See the Proclamation on the Family.) People in the world
can be born with all shades of hair color, skin color and eye color,
all heights and weights, all kinds of differences (left-handedness,
colorblindness), physical problems and disabilities (blindness,
deafness, inability to walk, Down syndrome, all kinds of mental
disabilities), but in gender there is no exception and no diversity at
all. You are either a boy (who obviously is supposed to like girls) or
a girl (who is obviously supposed to like boys). God would NEVER make
a mistake about it... YEAH FREAKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!Sure, there are
hundreds of others. I had fun coming up with those ones, and I wish I
had more time to list others. For now, let me just mention a couple

Although leaders do not want to talk about it, they do admit that
there is a Heavenly Mother. Maybe the reason why they do not want to
talk about it is because actually there are thousands of Heavenly
Mothers!!!! After all, God, being an exalted man, is worthy enough to
have hundreds of wives. So the human race has hundreds, thousands or
maybe millions of heavenly mothers, depending on the horniness of
their polygamous god.

Joseph Smith saw God the Father, Jesus Christ, and received dozens of
other angelic visits (Moses, Elijah, Peter, James, John, John the
Baptist, etc) But in order to "translate" the Book of Mormon, he still
needed to resort to magical devices (a kind of 19th century crystal
ball) and to wear a breastplate with supernatural powers.

after centuries and centuries of isolation. Not only were they
prophets, but they were all experienced linguists and goldsmiths.
Plus, the golden plates, upon which earthly prophets had carved
inspired messages for thousands of years, lay hidden in ***orah for
over a thousand years. But then, for some reason, the Lard decided to
send an angel to take them back in his wings and hie to Kolob.

Joseph Smith really did not want to start polygamy, but a powerful
angel with a sword threatened him and made him do it.
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