ivan mcdonagh

I'm sure that I'm not the first that this has happened to but still I
feel obliged to share my shame and embarrasment!

Greetings by the way, this is my first post to this newsgroup.

I recently took possesion of 4 western blue tongue skinks (Tiliqua
occipitalis) and have them housed ever so comfortably whilst their
"mansion" (120 square metres of outside browsing, sunning, sleeping and
feeding area!) is being constructed. I have loved and comforted the
little darlings for the last two weeks even going so far as to clean
their temporary home at least twice a day even though it is big enough
that twice per week still wouldn't be a problem.

And how do I get repaid for this love and devotion?

Two of the little bastards escaped and hid from me!

The enclosure is escape proof and is checked, as I said, at least twice
per day. The door (they are currently kept in what was the spare
bedroom) is fairly tight fitting and is kept closed at all times.

I think that it isn't just iguanas that have the power of disapparation!

The lizards not only passed through solid glass they survived (probably
built a small air balloon!) a drop of over 5 feet. For those of you that
don't know, the Tiliqua species are the largest of the skinks and they
are particularly known for their inability to climb or fly - ha! I say,
Ha! Having circumvented the barriers of solid glass and desperate (to a
lizard) height these two promptly walked through the solid wood door.

The only mistake that was made was that the ring leader appears to have
misread the map and headed for the always closed front door of my house
rather than the never closed back door. In this way, thanks to the sharp
eyes of my flatmate, I was alerted to the break in time to take
preventative action.

If you were aware that I have a dog who is not terribly old and is
always very alert and has exhibited increasing curiousity ever since I
banned her from the lizard room you might ask why I was not alerted by
her. All I can suggest is that she was bribed or blackmailed into
silence. We shall be having words!!!

So, one lizard found, two caught in the act and one missing ... what to
do?

I did what any responsible owner of expensive lizards (these cost me
well over AU$200 per head!) would do - I screamed and shouted and
stamped my foot! As I considered the local environment (cats, dogs,
*large* birds of prey and people who use snail bait) I considered that
my reaction might have been a little extreme and rather self centered.
In view of the fact that my lizards were attempting, in a very
complicated manner, to commit suicide I settled for stamping my feet and
slapping my hand against the wall a few times. Screaming and shouting is
just *so* childish!

Well now - the ring leader wasn't talking! All I got was name, rank and
serial number. Although I don't claim that I was fully in control of
myself I was able to refrain from torture - just let it happen again,
that's all I can say! Bring it on baby!

The hunt was on! I have read the most enlightening accounts on Melissa
Kaplans wonderful site (www.anapsid.org) with respect to finding missing
reptiles and, of course, I am fully aware of "The Iguana Way (or, How
Iguanas get into Iguana Heaven)". In light of my experience, the only
mistake that was made in the latter document is the assumption that only
Iguanas have "The Way" and that "heaven" is species specific. I can now
assure you all that "The Way" is very non-species denominational and
that "heaven" will accept any reptile (herptile?) that sufficiently
confounds and confuses the owned.

Anyway, back to the hunt. Let me remind of the scene ... We have a major
jail break in progress and the guard (a not-so-little-and-very-alert
black labrador) is pretending to be unaware of the situation. The main
gate to the premises is closed (as far as people, mosquitoes,
cockroaches and etc are concerned - I think I forgot to include
disapparating lizards in the design!) but the servants entry at the rear
is wide open. The people house is fairly old with plenty of holes at
random and unexplored places and an uneven floor throughout upon which
various pieces of domestic machinery sit. We have two bedrooms complete
with bed, clothing on the floor, various bits of paper and a few boxes.
Oh - did mention that the rear entrance was wide open???

If I had known that "The Iguana Way" was not species specific I may have
proceeded differently. If I had even stopped and considered that perhaps
*all* reptiles are sneaky and devious I may have proceeded differently.
Had I thought (full stop!) I *would* have proceeded differently.

As it was though, I thought like a human - this, of course is the lesson
learned! Do not think like a human, think like a reptile!

My reasoning thusly followed a fairly sensible (for a human!) path.
Escape from cage --> Escape from room --> Escape from house --> Escape
from property. I started by assuming that I had interrupted the break
before the escape from property phase but after the escape from house
phase.

Lesson learned! You must think like a reptile!

Having wasted about 20 minutes scouring the immediate environment
outside of the house I finally wondered if I had interrupted the
breakout somewhat sooner than I had thought. It also occurred to me that
perhaps the one (the one that I caught) was only acting as decoy and
sacrifice so that the three could move on to better things.

Back to the lizard room wherein I found the remaining two sipping their
water and discussing the state of affairs of the nation. All that was
really needed to complete the surreal atmosphere was a couple of
armchairs! Needless to say, the missing lizard was not part of this
connvivial atmosphere!

So, finally thinking like a lizard, I headed for the bedrooms. Where
else would a lizard intent on escape go? Ha,ha,ha! The benefit gained is
that the bedrooms are no longer harbouring bacteria and other small
animals capable of initiating nuclear warfare. The downside, of course,
is that we are still missing a lizard - no doubt intent on its own
nefarious plans for domination of the world.

I shall not bore you with the stupid, thinking-like-a-human things that
followed except to say that they were all, without exception, stupid,
thinking-like-a-human type things!

I finally found the missing beastie. No doubt anyone who has kept herps
for any length of time could have predicted the location but it came as
a complete surprise to me.

The underneath of the washing machine is diificult to get to (even if
you *are* a disapparating lizard capable of walking though solid wood
doors!), it is cold, wet (from the poor drainage system that my landlord
won't repair) and dark. The inside (apart from this one place) is warm,
spacious and much more suitable for hiding. The outside is even better.

Why would a lizard intent on ruling the world choose underneath the
washing machine as an appropriate place to hide? Probably because it is
aware that humans are stupid and just cannot stop thinking like humans
even when they try to think like a lizard.

So, it was a happy ending to an adventure that I would have been ever so
happy to forgo! I realise that it could have been much worse and I am
grateful to the lizard gods that they chose only to have a small laugh
at my expense.

If any reader has not yet had the "pleasure" of being tormented by the
lizard gods be warned! It will happen, yes, even to you! For those of
you who have suffered already I hope that you will feel my pain and send
whatever sympathy you are capable of.

I wish you all all the very best and assure you that I am somewhat more
wise now than I was a couple of hours ago.

Regards,

Ivan.
theanalystwhat@westnetwhat.com.au delete what

n jill marsh

On 8 Mar 2007 21:07:38 +0800, Ivan McDonagh


One of things I like about herps is their utter disregard.

nj"kinky"m
--
"You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end"