18th February 14:38
NORV, 9-5, Sweeps To Playoffs, As 7-7 TOWW Backs Into A Last Chance!
BAYONNE, N.J. , Dec. 17 - The Washington Bottom-Feeders preserved
their chances of becoming the worst and most unlikely NFL playoff team
in history with a hardly deserved "thank you" win over the generous
New York Giants.
The New Yorkers, who didn't seem to care about losing to losers, took
the loss in stride.
"We can beat 'em anytime we want," sneered defensive end Michael
Strahan. "You watch, if we play 'em again, we'll beat their sorry
Ass apparently is what Clinton "He Do What He Do" Portis was seeking
in the Three Sheets Motel here early Monday morning, along with
several Redskids teammates.
"I like this place," said Portis, his arm around a *****, perspiring
220-pound-plus ho. "Like, man, they change the blankets twice a
month, and you don't have to worry about slidin' and squishin' over
sheets, 'cause they don't furnish 'em."
Portis, who was the sole offensive producer on the field, agreed the
team will need more than luck if they are to reach the playoffs, still
an unlikely eventuality, given that the playoff-hungry Vikings are
next on the schedule.
"Dey gon' wup us, probably," he offered. "But with the Lord's hep,
and our HGH, we'll give 'em hell fer sure."
Fred Smoot, no stranger to hos, said he thought he saw the ghost of
Sean Taylor in one of the seats at the Meadowlands.
"He was there, I tell ya, wavin' a pistol at some guy and raisin' hell
before the cops nabbed 'im," Smoot said, as he pumped and thrust his
organ in-and-out of a black ****age gal astride him on the floor.
"He was there to inspire us to win. [puff-puff] And we did!"
Quarterback Todd Collins, in his first NFL start in 10 years, admitted
the wind and the Giants' pass rush caused him problems.
"It was a tough week for me personally," he said while dressing in
another Three Sheets room.
"My wife was about to give birth on the coast and Mr. Snyder was kind
enough to provide a special flight to get me to the hospital in time
for the delivery. I made it just as the baby's head was coming out.
"Then I asked this young guy in scrubs how things were going, and he
said 'Very well.'
"I said 'thank you doctor,' and he said, 'Doctor? Shit I'm this
"Christ, 'Collins whined, "can you imagine what this did to my
confidence? Man, I got back on that plane pronto and got into La
Guardia just an hour before game time. What a day. What a week!"
# # #
Earlier, asked on the field after the game how he felt about the
victory, Th' Ol' Washer Woman coach drawled, "I thought we played with
a lot of heart, especially since most of the season we've showed no
As a big snot-bubble emerged from his left nostril, TOWW added that
while he didn't think the Skids could beat a deserving playoff team
like the Vikings, he believed they'd make a no-good account of
"Well, we've played like bottom-feeders all season - for years in fact
- so we'll need the kind of luck we had tonight if we're to stand a
chance next Sunday.
"But, hey, Norv Turner's 9-5, and he's definitely the best coach the
Skids have had since I retired in '93 - including me! If Norv can
win, that doesn't mean I can."
As reporters dumbfoundedly scratched their heads, the snot-bubble
broke over TOWW's furrowed face as he slowly and bedazedly turned and
tottered toward the clubhouse, the rear of his khakis soaked in their
usual sepial seepage.
# # #