Michelle stein 2012-07-25 16:23:37
This was posted to some mailing lists; I don’t know who the author is.
Who remembers the game show “Match Game” which was a big part of 1970’s
daytime TV? Well, I watch it almost every day on the Game Show Network.
And I got to thinking. What if wrestlers were on the show..as the host,
the panelists, and the contestants. What would it be like? So I
decided to find out. It might be a little something like this….
MATCH GAME WWE (A Parody)
(A Vinnie Mac In Your Pants or Else Your Fired Production)
Announcer from offstage: “Get ready to match the Stars! It’s the
award-winning, always exciting Match Game WWE. And here are the
stars…. “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, Fabulous Moolah Moolah &
Mae Young, “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, “The
Chosen One” Jeff Jarrett and “The Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmy Valiant…
And now, here’s your host, Chris Jericho!”
Y2J: What’s up monkeys and welcome to Match Game is Jericho! Here I
am traveling the world as a genuine, legendary rock star, and I’m
dragged right back into the WWE scene again in yet another attempt to
save this company from it’s own ineptness and mediocrity. Yes Jeff,
what is it?
Jarrett: Listen up slapnuts! I’m not even a part of the WWE circus
anymore! Why the h*** am I here in this game show with all of these
Y2J: Because Vince said so! And what Vince says goes! Any more
Jarrett: I don’t have to listen to Vince anymore. I’m the one with
all the stroke around here! I’m the chosen one! I quit Vince and I
quit the WWE! Don’t p*** me off, slappy!
(From out of the back comes Umaga and The Great Khali. Umaga quickly
slams hard into Jarrett, knocking him senseless! Khali picks up Jarrett
and slams him hard to the studio floor as the crowd boos.)
Y2J: What’s that, Jeff? You have to go! Fine! Get that assclown
out of here while I introduce our two contestants.
(Khali & Umaga haul the body of Jeff Jarrett away as we see the podium
next to Jericho spin around, revealing two persons.)
Y2J: Monkey number one! Tell us a little bit about yourself please.
Contestant # 1: My name is Billy Gun… er… Kip James! And I’m
Y2J: Look, it’s Billy One, now known as Kipper James.
Billy: That’s Kip.
Y2J: All right, Drip!
Billy: That’s Kip!
Y2J: I hear you, Pip!
Y2J: And let’s see who your opponent is for tonight, Lip!
The other contestant is revealed and it’s Abdullah the Butcher…
Y2J: It’s Abdullah the Butcher! Welcome, Abdullah!
Billy: Aren’t you going to make fun of his name too?
Y2J: Are you crazy? I don’t want a fork stuck in my head! Shut up,
Billy: It’s not fair!
Y2J: Cry me a river, Heiney-boy! Abdullah, welcome to Match Game is
(Abdullah just stares straight ahead with a crazed look in his eyes!)
Y2J: OK then! Have we gotten anyone to replace that joker, Jarrett
on the panel yet?
Announcer: Here is the final superstar and member of our panel, The
Immortal Hulk Hogan.
(The sounds of “Real American” fill the studio as Hulk Hogan comes
out, poses, and takes his seat!)
Y2J: Had to have your own entrance, right Hulk?
Hogan: Well, you know bruthuh, that it’s all about the power of
Hulkamania and the millions of Hulkamaniacs out there. What ya gonna
do, bruthuh, when Hulk Hogan matches you!
Y2J: Whatever, Slo-gan! You know how this works! We ask a question
– you superstars… and you too Dusty, fill in the blank. Then our
contestants try to match your answer. The one with the most matches
wins. Hey, Mr. A**-Clown! You go first! Pick A or B.
Billy: “A” for my a**!
Y2J: You are such a dumbass! OK monkeys, here we go! Baron Von
Raschke got a new wig. Now he looks like “blank”…..
(Music plays as the wrestling superstars write their answers on little
cards. When they’re all finished, Y2J turns back to Billy…)
Y2J: OK, you heard the question. Baron Von Raschke got a new wig.
Now he looks like “blank”.
Billy: My a**!
Y2J: OK idiot! Now I understand why you’re stuck in Orlando hauling
around Bullet Bob’s luggage. The moron said “his a**!” Rusty Rhodes,
what do you say?
Dusty Rhodes: Well, I am the American Dream and I get funky like a
monkey all the night long, if you will, taking that trip to the pay
window and doing it right!
Y2J: Just turn over your card, Dusty!
Dusty: Oooh, the lord is smiling tonight and all the fans are going
to smile with the Dream. I said, “Funky like a monkey, if you will!”
Y2J The Baron got a new wig and now he looks funky like a monkey!
You’re a idiot, Rhodes!
Dusty: No, I’m the American Dream, if you will!
Y2J: Jackass! And now to the two lovely, and I use that term
loosely, ladies on our panel, Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah. What
is your answer.
Moolah: Well darlin’, I know the Baron and I’ve seen him wear some
Y2J: Don’t call me “darlin’!’ I’m not that kind of guy!
Mae: I want to show my puppies!
Moolah: Mae, sit down and shut up! And keep your shirt on! We said
‘A Fuzzy Cueball”..
Y2J: I won’t even comment on that one!
Mae: I wanna show my puppies!
Moolah: Mae, don’t do it!
(Mae Young pulls up her shirt and flashes the studio audience. We
hear the sounds of vomiting echoing throughout the studio and hear some
small children crying in the distance!)
Moolah: Mae! See what you did!
Mae: I showed my puppies!
Y2J: Don’t you ever, eeeevvvvverrr do that again, you skanky old bag!
I’m ready to borrow one of Abdullah’s forks and gouge my own eyes out!
(The camera pans over to Abdullah who hasn’t moved and it still just
sitting there with a crazed look in his eyes!)
Y2J: Back to the game!
Billy: Did I win?
Y2J: Billy, will you please SHUT THE H*** UP!
Billy (looking down) Sorry!
Y2J: Who’s next? It’s the 16-time World Champion, the Nature Boy Ric
Flair. What is your answer, Ric?
Ric: Wooooooo! The Nature Boy is riding high and ready to go all
night long! Woooooooo!
Y2J: Your answer, Nick!
Ric: I said Baron Von Raschke looks like a limousine riding, jet
flying, kiss all the girls and make them cry, wheelin’ dealing son of a
(Flair stands up and falls off the podium to the ground with a Flair
Y2J; What the h*** was that, Flair?
Flair (picking himself up): Force of habit! Sorry!
Y2J: Well, at least you’re not doing the same old thing over and over.
Billy: I thought it was great, Champ!
Ric: Thanks, Billy!
Y2J Geez! Two morons who like to expose themselves. Figures they’d
Y2J: Still no matches because Kipple is a r*****! Next up is “Stone
Cold” Steve Austin. What do you say, Steve?
Austin: I woke up this morning and had a little breakfast!
Austin: I had some eggs.
Austin: Some bacon.
Austin: Some ham.
Austin: Some jelly for my biscuit!
Austin: Strawberry jelly. I don’t like grape!
Austin: Then I had a beer!
Austin: Then another beer!
Austin: Then I reached for a third beer!
Austin: But decided against it!
Austin: Then said what the h***, and drank it anyway!
Austin: And then I come here to be on a stupid game show!
Austin: And be asked stupid questions!
Austin: Hey Jericho!
Y2J: What?… I mean, what is it Steve?
Austin: You’re a sissified sonovabitch!
Y2J: Just give us your answer, Austin!
Austin: My answer?
Austin: You want my answer?
Y2J: Flip over your d*** card!
Austin: What was the question again?
((Jericho starts to get upset, but then smiles!))
Y2J: I see what you’re trying to do, Austin. You want to make me
mad. I’m not going to play your game! The question was, Baron Von
Raschke got a new wig. Now he looks like blank!
Austin: Raschke with a new wig, huh? He looks like a bald-headed
sumovabitch with a d*** wig on his head!
Y2J: Not a match. Let’s move on!
Austin: Hey Jericho?
Y2J: What Austin?
(Austin smiles and shoots Y2J the bird!)
Y2J: All right, Hogan. You’re turn! Baron Von Raschke got a new
wig. He looks like a blank!
Hogan: You know, I was wondering if Austin was ever going to quit
trying to hog the spotlight and give someone else a chance. I can’t
stand it when other wrestlers try to hog all the glory for themselves
and won’t give the little guys a break, bruthuh!
(As these words leave Hogan’s mouth, the entire top row busts out
laughing! Dusty falls off his stool and hits the ground!)
Flair: Look! Dusty wobbles and he still falls down! Woooooo!
Hogan: What’s so funny, bruthuh!
Austin: You’re a stupid, bald headed, sunovabitch Hogan!
Hogan: You’re calling me bald! Look at your head, Austin!
Austin: Yeah, but I look sexy with no hair. You look like a red and
yellow peacock exploded all over you.
Hogan (getting angry): I made this business! I am this business!
Say your prayers and take your vitamins! And whatcha gonna do, when
Hulk Hogan and the largest arms in the world run wild on you, bruthuh!
Austin: Don’t make me get up and kick your a**.
Hogan: You and what army?
Dusty: If you will, funky like a monkey, all the day and night,
trippin to the pay window!
Y2J: All right children! Calm down. What was your answer, Sterling
Hogan: My answer is Buy Brooke’s CD!
Y2J: Nope, you’re not a stage dad trying to keep your name alive
through your daughter.
Y2J: Never mind! Valiant, I know it’s a lot to ask, but please give
us an answer and let’s get this over with.
Valiant: Whoo – mercy! The Boogie man feels good today, baby! The
Boogie Man has been listening to all of these answers. And the Boogie
Man feels your pain, Jericho!
Y2J: Brother, you don’t know the half of it!
Hogan: Bruthuh! You said bruthuh! That’s a copyright violation!
That’s my line! That’s my trademark! I’m calling my lawyers! And
whatcha gonna do! When the most ruthless lawyers run wild on you!
Y2J: Hogan, I said it once and I’ll say it again… will you please
SHUT THE H*** UP! OK, Valiant. What is your answer?
Valiant: Well, the Boogie Man knows Raschke. And I gave him some
wigs. And the brother was styling! He was fighting all the ladies off!
Kept putting them in the claw! Mercy! But the Boogie Man has the
answer! He looks like Captain Lou Albano!
Y2J: You’re just as brain dead as the rest of these losers!
Billy: Did I win?
Y2J: We have another round to…
(Y2J looks as Abdullah who still hasn’t moved or said a word since the
beginning of the show.)
Y2J: I can’t handle another round of this. All of you are assclowns!
You win, Billy! Now, let’s close the show! I’m Chris Jericho and I’m a
honest to God living legend and true rock star. And you will never
eeeeevvvvvvvvveeeerrrr see me hosting this show again! We’re out of
here monkeys! Good night from all us here at Match Game WWE!
Stop Mad Cowboy Disease: Impeach the son of a Bush.